 Playlets
September 2, 2005Imagined dialogue between myself and the "Touch The Ceiling" rock-climbing route yesterday(I am about two-thirds of the way up on the “TOUCH THE CEILING” route, maybe fourteen feet off the ground. I can’t quite reach the next hold and it’s a really small one anyway. My arms are starting to shake and I don’t trust that foothold I’m on. It looks like I’m going to have to wave off – this one is a lot harder than I thought.)
ME: (Suddenly that foothold shifts just a bit. Not much, just enough to make me catch my breath.) “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: (I can't say a word.) “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: (I’m too shaken to speak. I weakly try to adjust my foot to a different place.) “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: (The foothold shifts again. I take my right foot off entirely, balanced now only by my left on a small foothold.) “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: (I tug on the rope a little bit.) “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: (The other foothold shifts, and I slip off completely. The rope catches me a foot down, but not before banging me against the wall. I whimper like a beaten dog. There's a cute girl down there, too, and I'm sure she saw.) “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: ME: “TOUCH THE CEILING” ROUTE: (Bill lowers me to the ground. In an effort to regain some masculinity, I go over to the “LI’L K2” climb.) ME: LI’L K2 CLIMB: ME:
Posted by Chris on 09/ 2/05
Hey, is my browser blocking your review of that obscene movie, "The Aristocrats?" Because I can't imagine that you haven't posted it yet since you saw it DAYS AGO. Posted by: Captain Fatty at September 2, 2005 12:28 PMFebruary 7, 2005The request you have made includes concepts which are beyond my comprehensionMore in the Adventures of the Man Who Doesn't Make Sense! The landlord / tenant honeymoon has ended, as we knew it would, and by honeymoon I mean the period when Landlord is asked to do nothing but cash the checks. Let me once again marvel within these pages that all landlords seem cut from the same cloth. Their type cuts across all traditional geographic / socio-economic / religious boundaries; we have had Southern, Mid-Western, Polish, English, and now Iranian landlords, and they have all been... exactly the same. I think if there is one commonality the human race has that may pave the way for world peace, it is not that we all love our children or that we just want to live our lives; it's that everyone agrees, tenants are made to be screwed. So someone in our neighborhood discarded a couch in our alley. This is rude, because as you may know, no garbage man is going to take that thing away. After it had been left there for a few weeks and through several rains, the person finally moved it themselves. Thirty feet away, to behind OUR building. Several months go by. I take a deep breath and call Landlord. ME: Someone down the street left a couch out behind our building, and the garbage guys won't take it away. Can you make some calls and take care of it?
LANDLORD: Who has done this? What is their address? ME: I don't know who did it or where they live. I just know that it used to be behind the building one down, and then they moved it behind ours. LANDLORD: The regular pickup day is on Thursday. ME: Yes I know, but the garbage guys aren't touching this thing. LANDLORD: Do you know the apartment number of the person. ME: No. The only thing I know for sure is that it did not belong to anyone in our building. Note: This is the truth. I really did notice that the couch started out down the alley, and migrated to its current location. I made a special point to put it in my "lead" to Landlord because I knew if he suspected it came from one of us there would be much tribulation as he sought the owner amongst his flock. LANDLORD: There will be some cost to have it moved.
ME: Yes, I imagine so, and I'm sorry. But we do need it moved - it's been rained on, it's mildewy I'm sure, and one day I noticed a homeless guy sleeping under it, right next to our dumpster. LANDLORD: Where does the person live who has the couch? Something I've noticed with Landlords of all backgrounds is that you can talk to them and ask them questions, but they are like a toy robot that Radio Shack might sell; the package claims it has Voice Recognition™ and can answer back, but there are really only about three responses recorded on their microchips. At this point you've heard everything Landlord will or can say. ME: Wha-? I do not know who it belonged to. I just know that now it is behind our apartment, and needs to be moved. Do you know that somebody was here the other day looking at apartments, and when they saw this wet couch lying there, not to mention the demolition across the alley, they weren't interested anymore?
Note: This is a lie. No one came by looking at the apartments. By mentioning it, though, I was trying to do two things: 1) Tie this into Future Tenants, which a Landlord theoretically cares about, and not make it about Present Tenants, which they don't; and 2) find a way to segue into the next problem I wanted him to deal with, which is the apartment building across the street which has been demolished, but only to a point; the shell of the building still stands, or rather, slumps, into our alley, spilling plaster and wood out into the street, and in general making the alley look like Kosovo. LANDLORD: There are no apartments for rent.
ME: Yes, well, the point is, I don't believe anyone would WANT to rent one when there's so much junk in the alley. LANDLORD: We have no availabilities at the moment. ME: Whether there are any available right now is ACADEMIC. The POINT is there is so much junk in the alley- Here I stopped myself. OK, I tried to lie and it didn't work out. My mistake. Now I'm talking hypotheticals with a Landlord, which is a little like trying to get one of those Radio Shack robots to walk up the stairs. It won't happen no matter what it says on the box. ME: OK, well, the point is, can you call someone and have the couch taken away?
LANDLORD: They should know not to leave these things in the alley. ME: I agree. LANDLORD: What is the building number of the person? ME: Again - I do. Not. Know. Note: I try very hard to simplify, simplify, SIMPLIFY the HELL out of the message when talking to Landlords, because one little extraneous piece of information can send them swirling forever in some logical loop. To that end I WAS going to just call and say that there was a couch in the alley - origin unknown. But I really felt I had to inform him that it did not come from OUR BUILDING, lest he completely abdicate responsibility. LANDLORD: I will call about it. There will be some expense.
ME: I know. LANDLORD: The pickup day is on Thursday. ME: I - thank you. Not a promising end. It sounds a little bit like either he thinks the garbage guys are going to get it, or that I'm paying for it to be specially hauled away, both of which absolutely will not come to pass. So we'll see. I'll report more on what I'm sure will come to be known as The Couch Incident on Friday. Previous adventures with Landlord here, and in Operation: Go West.
Posted by Chris on 02/ 7/05
This is why you need to keep Jay Leno's address and phone number handy. Leno left the couch there. He pissed on it and left it outside. Posted by: isaac at February 7, 2005 1:23 PMYou've given me an idea - maybe my next call should be to him, impersonating a member of the local news team, doing a story on slumlords. Posted by: Chris at February 7, 2005 1:39 PMAnd as we all know, the pissing and the leaving is an excellent way to 'distress' props. Posted by: friend jessica at February 7, 2005 2:19 PMI might be the only person in the world who has actually won a battle with his landlord without having to take them to court. Tommy and I were moving out and the landlord had already sent guys to paint when we still had one day left on the lease. The painters told us not to clean up because we would get in their way. So we don't. The landlord sends us a letter saying we will only be getting half of our deposit back because we didn't clean the oven and fridge. Through much yelling, apologizing and haggling, I ended up getting the full deposit back. He sent it with a card telling me that I was screwing him over! Tenants: 1 Landlords: 1,000,345. Posted by: Rich at February 8, 2005 8:15 AMHe must not have attended the Landlordification ceremony where they have their sense of guilt removed. What a break! Posted by: Chris at February 8, 2005 4:50 PMJanuary 3, 2005Project: MandolinProject: Mandolin(LOUIS comes rushing in from offstage. He is wearing a labcoat. RANDALL is at his desk.) LOUIS: Have you seen Project: Mandolin around here? RANDALL: Project: Mandolin... Project: Mandolin... refresh me? LOUIS: They're ants. RANDALL: Ah! Ants! Ants? Hmm. Where is their... ah, container kept? LOUIS: There's no container. RANDALL: No CONTAINER? No ant farm? Then how are they kept? LOUIS: Right here in the lab. RANDALL: Good lord, you mean they're loose? LOUIS: It's part of Project: Mandolin! RANDALL: Ants crawling all over everything is your project? That seems like a bad idea! O.K., well, I feel sure I would have noticed a lot of ants in here. Maybe I should alert housekeeping? What sort are they anyway? LOUIS: They are "carpenter" ants. Very painful bite. They are about a foot long each, with a mouthful of tiny, needle-like teeth. They should be right around in here somewhere... RANDALL: A foot long? Needle-like teeth? And these are ants we're talking about? LOUIS: Yes, and you will also recognize them by the gills located right along the midsection. If you could keep an eye out for them that would be great. I'm almost positive I left an entire school of them here just yesterday. RANDALL: Gills, you say. In a "school." Now I feel like we're maybe not talking so much about ants anymore. Is it possible we're having more of those semantic issues we've discussed? LOUIS: Yes, well, "ant" is my code word for them. RANDALL: OK, now we're getting somewhere. What would be a more specific word, then, than "ant?" LOUIS: Er... "pirahna." RANDALL: Pirahna? Project: Mandolin involves leaving a school of pirahna lying around the office? LOUIS: Well... that's part of it, yes. RANDALL: Then I feel we can relax somewhat now, because it seems unlikely that those would be much of a threat. Apart from the eventual smell. Remind me - did I authorize this project? LOUIS: Watkins did. It was the "dry-land piranha" project? RANDALL: Dry-land piranha? By which you mean piranha that can move about on dry land? (He raises his legs up off the floor) All right, now I believe we have sufficient cause for alarm again. LOUIS: I'm sure I included this aspect of the project in the summary. RANDALL: Louis, can you tell me what a dry-land piranha has to do with polling? This is a polling firm. A POLLING FIRM. LOUIS: That... was not made clear to me. RANDALL: And we've told you before about using more descriptive names for your projects. "Project: Mandolin" hardly evokes the idea of a dry-land piranha. LOUIS: Perhaps not to you. RANDALL: But we can deal with that later. Where exactly are these fish? Surely I would have noticed them? LOUIS: I was almost certain I left them in this office. (The two begin looking around a bit - in drawers, behind cabinets, etc.) LOUIS: Good grief! Who would have thought it would be this hard to find a school of invisible piranha? RANDALL: Hang on, hang on, hang on. "Invisible?" LOUIS: Er... didn't I mention that? RANDALL: No, I feel I would have remembered that. LOUIS: Hmmm. Well, not to pile bad news on top of bad, but they are also masters of disguise. RANDALL: Invisible AND a master of disguise? It hardly seems necessary. LOUIS: But they are only invisible part of the time! The other time, they'd need to be able to pass as you or me! RANDALL: A school of piranha walking around breathing air? Skeletonizing anyone that gets in their way? That would be some trick to pass as one of us. Of all the features you've incorporated into this little project, THAT would almost be the topper. LOUIS: Well, they ARE very good. RANDALL: Right. Is there anything else I need to know about this project? LOUIS: Hmmm. I believe... that covers it. (ticking things off on his fingers) Dry-land, invisible, disguised, highly intelligent. That's it. RANDALL: Highly intelligent? LOUIS: Yes. All together the fish form a single, intelligent entity. Oh, come on! I'm POSITIVE I told you that. RANDALL: Again - no you didn't. How intelligent are we talking about? LOUIS: A good bit. Well, at least according to the scores on the Math section of the test. Not so much on Verbal. RANDALL: But for all this Math-centric intelligence, can I expect that they are still very much a fish that can and will strip the flesh off our bones in seconds? LOUIS: Oh, absolutely. No question. (Randall pushes back from his desk, approaches Louis, and puts an arm around him) RANDALL: All right. Before I inform the Haz-Mat team and send everyone home for the day, I need to ask you something about Project: Mandolin, and I want you to be very honest with me. LOUIS: All right. RANDALL: Have you, in truth, actually killed someone? And this whole piranha business is just a way to throw the blame off? Please be honest! LOUIS: No. RANDALL: Ah! Good. Then allow me a second question about Project: Mandolin before I call Fish & Wildlife, as well as our insurance carrier: is this whole thing just a way to get out of our date on Thursday? (A long pause.) LOUIS: No. RANDALL: Really? LOUIS: I.. yes. Yes. Look, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made all this up. You asked me out, and I'm going. We said 7:30, Pete's Bowl-a-Rama, right? I'll be there. Like we discussed. Looking forward to it. (Louis quickly leaves.) Bonus Scene:
(In the hallway outside Randall's office, Louis releases a big sigh. At that moment there is a slight visual distortion in the air in front of him, which quickly disappears - as if SOMETHING was there.) DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: YOU HAVE DONE WELL. IT SEEMS HE WILL TRULY NOT SUSPECT US NOW. LOUIS: Thank you. DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: ALTHOUGH IT IS NOT CLEAR TO ME WHY HE HAD TO BE APPROACHED AT ALL ON THIS MATTER. IF YOU WERE TRYING TO SIGNAL HIM THERE AT THE BEGINNING IN SOME WAY, YOUR PAIN WILL BE IMMENSE. LOUIS: NO! It's reverse psychology! I- DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: YOU WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT OUR BITE BEING VERY PAINFUL. AND YOU KNOW WE WILL WAIT UNTIL WE ARE ALL IN PLACE TO DO IT. NO AMOUNT OF OINTMENT WILL SALVE YOUR WOUNDS. LOUIS: My Lord, I SWEAR, I- DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: SILENCE. IT IS DONE. GO NOW AND FETCH US THE LATEST POLLING NUMBERS, HUMAN. I'D LIKE TO SEE HOW PROPOSITION 14 IS PLAYING IN THE 18-35 DEMOGRAPHIC WITHIN TWENTY MINUTES - NO LESS. AND HUMAN... LOUIS: Yes, my Lord? DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: NEVER CROSS US AGAIN. LOUIS: Yes, my Lord. (Louis turns to go) DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: WAIT JUST A SECOND. LOUIS: Y-yes? DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: DID YOU MEAN THAT, WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT THE MASTER OF DISGUISE THING? LOUIS: Yes! Absolutely! DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: BECAUSE WE'VE REALLY BEEN TRYING TO WORK ON THAT OF LATE. LOUIS: And... and it shows! I would never have recognized you there. DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: VERY GOOD. CARRY ON. OH, AND LOUIS - SORRY IF WE CAME ACROSS A BIT HARSH EARLIER. LOUIS: Oh - not at all. (Louis leaves.) DISEMBODIED VOICE OF THOUSANDS OF INVISIBLE CARPENTER ANTS SPEAKING IN UNISON AS ONE ENTITY: DO YOU THINK HE WAS SERIOUS ABOUT OUR VERBAL SCORE? DID WE PERFORM POORLY? I DOUBT IT. YOU NEVER KNOW WITH THOSE THINGS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT -YOU HEARD HIM SAY WE ACED THE MATH SECTION. WE COULD GET INTO ANY UNIVERSITY IN THE COUNTRY WITH THAT SCORE. WHO WANTS TO GO TO COLLEGE? I WAS THINKING ABOUT TRAVELING IN EUROPE FOR A BIT FIRST ANYWAY. SILENCE, FOOLS, WE HAVE MANY POLLS TO PUT IN THE FIELD BEFORE WE MOVE INTO PHASE 2. WE'LL GO TO EUROPE AFTER THAT. I PROMISE. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT SIX FLAGS. I SAID I PROMISE! BESIDES, EVERYONE KNOWS THOSE STANDARDIZED TESTS ARE RACIST ANYWAY. (Later, while on his date with Randall, Louis tries to drop clues to the truth once again. But Randall doesn't pick up on them, and is later skeletonized - although not by the Carpenter Ants. Still later, Louis lures a significant portion of the Ants away with honey, enough to lower their collective I.Q. to the point that he can escape. The Ants continue on at the polling firm, however, and eventually discover an entirely new demographic. Without Louis they are unable to communicate the knowledge of this new demographic, however, and its consumer potential withers and dies.)
Posted by Chris on 01/ 3/05
Sounds like something you would have written whilst in London. I like it. Posted by: Brian at January 4, 2005 6:30 AMI would like nothing more than to read this, but for some reason, all of your a)quotes in shaded boxes and b) seemingly cut and pasted passages are in the World's Tiniest Font (tm) which renders them as hieroglyphic dots. This is why I can't ever get into the political discussions. Also, for your i, Anna Quindlen said she was glad Christmas was over because the Christian Majority is SO OPPRESIVE with their celebrations. You know how we are. We hold people down and beat them to death unless they sing Good King Wencelaus...ALL THE VERSES. Posted by: friend jessica at January 4, 2005 7:56 AMDecember 8, 2004Something I'm not proud ofAs if all the Nativity talk of late hasn't ensured me a seat on the Special Express Hand Basket to Hell, this morning I am afraid I may have lost my manners with someone who was currently laying in a hospital bed. I have a friend who just went into the hospital, and when I called to check on him at the room number he gave me, here's what happened. ME: Hi, may I speak to Michael-
GUY WHO IS NOT MICHAEL: WILL PEOPLE QUIT CALLING ME HERE. I'VE ANSWERED THE PHONE ALL MORNING WITH THIS. THIS IS NOT MICHAEL! ME: (After the slightest moment of stunned silence, during which I wish I had just hung up) WOW! Are you in the hospital for being an asshole? Good luck with that! Wow! GUY WHO IS NOT MICHAEL: Please don't- (I hang up on him.) I'm sorry. I'm not proud of it. Not the fact that I spoke a bit harshly to some ailing man, and frankly not the fact that my response could have been more clever.
Posted by Chris on 12/ 8/04
oh no. You didn't really say that did you? I mean, KUDOS if you did. REALLY. But wow. That's smartassery to the umpth degree. Posted by: friend jessica at December 8, 2004 12:21 PMI did, and I'm not pleased. What if the guy tipped over into a full coronary because of that? Please let him have been holding the button to page the nurse. Posted by: Chris at December 8, 2004 12:24 PMyou hung up on a sick man saying "please" he's probably dead now. Well played. Posted by: friend jessica at December 8, 2004 12:39 PMNasty! But if you were given the incorrect room information, then there is no need for the man to be an ass. So I want to wish you well for your harsh words. Way to go! Those are the special kind of comebacks that don't happen all that often. Cherish the moment. Posted by: klugula at December 8, 2004 1:34 PMBut you feel a bit like Meg [Ryan] in "You've Got Mail" now, don't you. FINALLY come up with the perfect zinger at exactly the right time, and boy did he deserve it. But a tiny part of you, the part with soft blonde curls, cute dimples and a desire to act in lots of "romantic comedies" opposite Tom [Hanks], can't help but wonder if maybe you were just a little bit *TOO* mean. Or if you couldn't have found a way to get an extra half to 3/4 twist on that knife. Two words: Well played. Posted by: Ranger Dekiion at December 8, 2004 1:48 PM"QUESTION": What is Michael in for? If it's Alzheimer's then... Sorry. That's two diseases in two days I've mocked. "READ": I'm coming to heck with you Chris. "TWO WORDS": Merry Christmas Chris Posted by: isaac at December 9, 2004 10:05 AMNovember 17, 2004GOM WENT MY HEARTGOM WENT MY HEART~ a forbidden romance ~(The setting: A stylish living room, circa 1950s Americana. BARBARA, an attractive woman in her early 30s, is seated on the couch, sipping coffee. Across from her on the chaise longue is the POWER DROID.) BARBARA: You're so kind to take time out of your schedule to be here. Are you sure I can't get you more coffee? POWER DROID: Gom. BARBARA: I know you're busy. And just listen to me! Going on and on about my little problems! You must think me a frightful bore! POWER DROID: GOM. Gom. BARBARA: But... I didn't ask you here to talk about the wiring. I... (Barbara gets up and places her coffee on the credenza, keeping her back to the Power Droid.) BARBARA: I... just had to see you. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know it's not right. We're so different, you and I. POWER DROID: GOM. BARBARA: (Turning back to the droid) How do you do that? Sum up everything in my heart with a simple word? (There is a silence.) POWER DROID: Gom. BARBARA: I'm sorry. I know... it can never be. It's just that I feel... I KNOW we have this connection. I've ALWAYS felt it. Ever since you came to work for us. POWER DROID: Gom. Gom. BARBARA: Do you ever dream of a world somewhere... where two people like us COULD be together? Where it wasn't forbidden? POWER DROID: Gom- BARBARA: No. Don't say it. I know it's pointless to dream. This is the way things are. I- (The sound of a car pulling up in the driveway.) BARBARA: STAN! Oh no! Stan's home! He mustn't find us like this! Oh, I've been such a fool, how can you ever forgive me? Quick - get out to the shed! No, there's no time, just stay put! Act like nothing's been happening! POWER DROID: GOM. Gom. BARBARA: I know. But please... Stanley would never understand! I'm going to plug this lamp into you now. As if this were just a normal thing. And we'll pretend this never happened. All right? My dear? POWER DROID: Gom. (Barbara plugs the lamp into the Power Droid, and busies herself dusting the room, giving the appearance that nothing is out of the ordinary.)
Posted by Chris on 11/17/04
October 29, 2004The last Halloween playlet this year~ a variant on a Halloween playlet oft-repeated in these pages ~ (The setting: An average American post office. The date: October 31st. Into the post office walks a CUSTOMER.) CUSTOMER: Hello! I'd like to buy some stamps. POSTAL WORKER: Of course, sir. (The employee busies herself with the transaction for a moment, humming softly.) POSTAL WORKER: Any particular style? Or just American flags? CUSTOMER: Um... American flags would be good. The self-adhesive ones? POSTAL WORKER: Sure. (She finishes up and hands him the stamps.) POSTAL WORKER: And there you are. Thanks. CUSTOMER: No, thank YOU. And happy Halloween! POSTAL WORKER: You too! CUSTOMER: Hey, you don't mind if I ask - is your boyfriend in pain? POSTAL WORKER: Um... excuse me? CUSTOMER: Because if he is, perhaps I could interest you in some X-A-N-A-X? Or maybe some val1um? POSTAL WORKER: I- CUSTOMER: I also have v1agra at very low prices. Or c1a|1s? POSTAL WORKER: My God. They got to you too.
Posted by Chris on 10/29/04
More Unexpected Costumery~ one more alternate Halloween playlet ~ (The setting: An average American post office. The date: October 31st. Into the post office walks a CUSTOMER.) CUSTOMER: Hello! I'd like to buy some stamps? POSTAL WORKER: Of course, sir. (The employee busies herself with the transaction for a moment, humming softly.) POSTAL WORKER: Any particular style? Or just American flags? CUSTOMER: Um... American flags would be good. The self-adhesive ones? POSTAL WORKER: Sure. (She finishes up and hands him the stamps.) POSTAL WORKER: And there you are. Thanks. CUSTOMER: Um... thank YOU. (He starts to leave, then turns back.) CUSTOMER: By the way - thanks a LOT for not saying anything about my costume. I'd only worked, like, ALL NIGHT on it. (He runs out of the store. Oh, yeah, by the way, the "Customer" was dressed up as Dracula or something but it wasn't a really good costume.)
Posted by Chris on 10/29/04
Another Halloween playlet~ an alternate Halloween playlet ~ (The setting: An average American post office. The date: October 31st. Into the post office walks a CUSTOMER.) CUSTOMER: Hello! I'd like to buy some stamps. POSTAL WORKER: Of course, sir. By the way - that's a great costume! Nice make-up job. Funny - you're the third person today to come in dressed as a slightly overweight, balding, mildly unattractive man in his late thirties. CUSTOMER: Make-up? Costume? (beat) POSTAL WORKER: Oh. I... sir, I... CUSTOMER: Ahem. I'll just take the damn stamps. PLEASE.
Posted by Chris on 10/29/04
Short Halloween playlet~ a Halloween playlet ~ (The setting: An average American post office. The date: October 31st. Into the post office walks a CUSTOMER.) CUSTOMER: Hello! I'd like to buy some stamps. POSTAL WORKER: Of course, sir. By the way - that's a great costume! Nice make-up job. It's a really convincing massive head wound. CUSTOMER: Make-up? Costume? (beat) POSTAL WORKER: OH CHRIST SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Posted by Chris on 10/29/04
June 16, 2004Operation: Go West status reportOperation: Go West is almost dead out of the gate, I am sad to report. Our efforts to move to Santa Monica are consistently butting up against reality. It embarrasses me to say it, but I VASTLY UNDERESTIMATED the cost of renting a U-Haul for a one-way cross-country trip, and that, amazingly, could be the undoing factor. I was basing my estimate on all previous truck rentals; which is to say, renting a 14' truck for 24 hours to move across town. U-Haul's site helpfully pointed out my error in judgement, however, bringing my wild imaginings down out of La-La Land. Incidental costs keep mounting, too. Did I mention I lost my cell phone in Cambridge? And will need to buy another? Yes. Did I blithely train my way to N.Y.C. this last weekend, although it was a fairly economical trip? Yes. It isn't looking good. Operation: Go West is turning into Operation: Stay Where You Are, Jackass. VOICE OF OLD CANCELLED CREDIT CARD FROM THE GRAVE: You know what occurs to me? How this would be easier if only you hadn't cancelled me back then.
ME: Shut up. VOICE OF OLD CANCELLED CREDIT CARD FROM THE GRAVE: No, seriously. Wouldn't it have made sense to hang on to me? And poor Suze tried to tell you. ME: I said shut up! VOICE OF OLD CANCELLED CREDIT CARD FROM THE GRAVE: But you were so proud of yourself! Remember how excited you were? ME: I'm not listening. VOICE OF OLD CANCELLED CREDIT CARD FROM THE GRAVE: Just hang on to it for a little while, everyone said. In case something comes up. Well - something's come up, hasn't it? ME: Please... leave me alone. You're dead, you can't hurt me. VOICE OF OLD CANCELLED CREDIT CARD FROM THE GRAVE: Hey - forget about me! I'm just a ghost! But... you can always... apply for another one, right? (The music rises in an ominous crescendo) ME: No... NOOO... VOICE OF OLD CANCELLED CREDIT CARD FROM THE GRAVE: Hey! If it makes you feel better, when you make the call you can always use your Sydney Greenstreet voice! ME: NOOOOOO! I won't do it! I WON'T DO IT! GET BACK TO HELL DEVIL! I dreaded my talk with Landlady because I'd put it off for so long. We needed to extend our lease with her, but by months only. But the problem was, we weren't exactly sure when we'd need to leave. I'm lucky enough to have a job there already, but Wife Ami has to do the needful and find one. Landlady was very understanding, though, and indicated we could extend, as long as we gave her two months notice, and let her know as soon as possible. Then I came back from Cambridge to find a notice on my front door that my apartment would be up for rent on August 1st. A quick phone-call to Landlady revealed what has always been revealed about her when the rubber hits the road, which is that she is a nice person but let's not ever mistake her for the kindly old inn-keeper type. She hadn't heard from me, so she protected her interests. Fine - it's only fair. Well - let's not say fair, but let's not act like we've been woefully wronged. I left it with her that we were shooting for September 1st, and she left it with me that we couldn't go any later than that - or we'd have to sign on for another year. Again - it's fair. (As I go through this with her, imagining the travails yet to come, and who are we kidding, why don't I just go ahead and create a category called "I Sue To Get My Deposit Back, '04 Edition," in the forefront of my mind is the notion that waiting for us somewhere across the country is her counterpart, who will be identical to her in every respect, or worse, I will wish he was. The entire saga is here: Our Feudal Lords.) Another little fact revealed to me yesterday: after two years or so of stalled talks, rumors, speculation, the occasional burst of activity, and mainly a lot of sitting around doing nothing, the real estate division of the company I work for has finally pretty much decided on when we'll be moving the Chicago office over to the other side of the building. That date: September 1st. I am determined to manage this Operation with grace, despite these and other little clues the Universe keeps sending my way that it ain't gonna happen this year. iPod's first selection yesterday was "Sweet Home Chicago." This morning it was "Say Goodbye to Hollywood."
Posted by Chris on 06/16/04
I am sad to hear of your trials, but I must say that there is a glimmer of joy in "Operation Stay Where you Are Jackass" if only because you are such a good friend, so funny and smart and I always have fun hanging out with you and Ami, and I'd miss Camping, and New Year's Day, and Playing Golden Eye and being in your movies and all that shit. I was so sad to hear of your moving, I literally cried a little bit. I don't even say that to be funny. You're one of the first people I really liked in Chicago, (which is why I picked on you the moment we met) and I would hate to have our friendship dissolve because of uncrossed miles. Anyway, I hope you find happiness and relief from all this stress. Posted by: friend jessica at June 16, 2004 10:50 AMIt's simple. Don't go. Chicago loves you. California is full of jerk-heads. Thus endeth the discussion. ~fin Posted by: Brian at June 16, 2004 12:12 PMNOOOOOOO! Now begins the me feeling awful about even wanting to leave. What good friends I have here, with the leaving of the warm and friendly messages, and the precious dog. By the way - get V*I*A*G*R*A for cheap! Posted by: Chris at June 16, 2004 4:47 PMOUR MORTGAGE RATES SHOULD BE AGAINST THE LAW! Posted by: friend jessica at June 17, 2004 9:36 AMYes, don't go west. It's naf. Go east! You might find your cellphone again. There's history, there's culture (not Mickey Mouse/painted cow rubbish statues on State Street). Some of those states are also thinking about having democracy reinstated... But Chicago's nice too. Come to think of it, it's the only good thing about Illinois. Posted by: isaac at June 17, 2004 4:47 PMYes, go East. Massachusetts is small, beautiful and dedicated to protecting the sanctity of the American marriage. Posted by: Maggie at June 17, 2004 10:51 PMMassachusetts is Chicago's bitch. Posted by: friend jessica at June 18, 2004 9:33 AMMay 4, 2004The Great Saucytalk ExperimentSome random thoughts about the premiere this last Sunday:
April 15, 2004Zeno's Rendering Paradox(THE SETTING: My desk, last night. I sit down to the Mac to adjust the color in a few scenes. I'm smiling - this thing is almost done! I open the project file, humming to myself. Then: inexplicably, about a quarter of the precious render files cannot be found.)
ME: What the hell? FINAL CUT PRO: Yeah... I'm going to need you to go ahead and re-render basically, yeah, the middle of the movie. Yeah... if you could sort of... get that done that would be great. Mmmkay? ME: What the hell happened to them? That took HOURS! A whole day and night to get that done! FINAL CUT PRO: Yeah... tell you what, it's always hard to say with those things. I can't find them. ME: They're right there on the drive! Taking up gigs and gigs of space! FINAL CUT PRO: Yeah... hmm. You remember when you created a copy of the project file and tried to work off just one firewire drive? To see how hard it would be to relink the media? Yeah... I'm thinking it had something to do with that. Can't be sure, though. ME: Dammit - I can't keep re-rendering this thing! The show is in two weeks! I'm not even sure I got the colors right! FINAL CUT PRO: Yeah. Oh, by the way? When you relink files? The old render files don't work anymore. Yeah. ME: Holy shit you're kidding. If I'd known that four days ago... FINAL CUT PRO: Yeah... tell you what. I'm going to need you to go ahead and let the project re-render overnight. Mmmkay? Great! Thanks for taking care of that. THE MAC: Ooooo. You know what, guys? There's no way I have enough memory for that. ME: (Head in hands) Of course not. THE MAC: Yeah, I don't see me being able to do it all in one pass. I'm going to need someone to quit the program and restart it somewhere in the middle, if not give me a solid reboot. Maybe more than once, in fact. FINAL CUT PRO: Yeah... good point. Tell you what, Chris. I'm going to need you to go ahead and come back in about four hours to sort of... get that done. ME: Four hours from now is two AM. FINAL CUT PRO: Yeah... probably best to set your alarm, then. THE MAC: Or you could just let it go until tomorrow morning. I don't mind waiting! FINAL CUT PRO: Yeah... but who's to say if I'm going to be able to spot the rest of the rendered files tomorrow? GIGS AND GIGS WORTH OF RENDER FILES, NOW USELESS: Hey! Guys! We're right here! We haven't moved! Can't you see us? ME: (To F.C.P.) WELL?!? Can't you see them? FINAL CUT PRO: Hmmm? Oh, sorry, I don't see a thing. Nope. (Numbly, I hit the "render" button. I stare at the screen for a long time. A progress bar appears, and in the next ten minutes, will show 1% of progress.) PROGRESS BAR: Nice to see you again. (A long, long pause) Guess we better make ourselves comfortable, hunh? (Another long pause) Do you have any chips?
Posted by Chris on 04/15/04
March 23, 2004One Debt to Bind ThemI paid off a credit card last week, which was a cause for much celebration. It is a card that has plagued me for some time, with its merciless 22% interest and brutal finance charges. I got it way down, then it crawled back up as I used it for those "occasional" purchases, then I got it down again, then I used it for Sundance so it went way up again. It has been an epic struggle between myself and this card, but now its defeat is at hand! Or... is it? So I made the final, painfully large payment last week - large enough that I'd have to watch myself very carefully until the next paycheck comes in - and was prepared to call Capital One and do my long-awaited Sydney Greenstreet routine, or maybe Khan, or maybe Blofeld. I've fantasized about this routine, this little scene that would play out over the phone, where I toy with them for a while, make a ridiculous offer they won't meet, then lower the boom and CANCEL! CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: How may I help you, sir?
ME: (In my Sydney Greenstreet from "Maltese Falcon" voice) Well, well. So we find our positions somewhat... reversed, wouldn't you say. Hmm hmm. Heh heh. HEH! HEH! CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: I see you've recently paid down your balance quite a bit. Would you be interested in hearing about some of our other offers, where- ME: Oh, I don't believe that will be... NECESSARY. Hrmm. Haa. HA HA! HA! CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: Sir? ME: (stroking an imaginary white cat) Yes. I believe the time has come to... shall we say... SEVER... our relationship. Yes, yes, ha ha! "Sever" is the right word for it, don't you agree. Yes, yes. CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: Um... seeing as how you've maintained such a good payment schedule with us, we're prepared to increase your limit at this time. ME: Yes, yes. I'm SURE YOU ARE. Hrmm. Haa. HA HA! HA! Wouldn't that be nice. Hrmm. Like a drowning man offering his life preserver to the man in the dingy? Hmm? HMMM? What generosity! What human kindness! HA! HA! CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: Sir? You're not saying that... ME: (Suddenly bored with Sydney Greenstreet, now I'm going to do Khan) Oh, I think you'll find that... I never forget an interest rate. I never forget... THOSE THAT WOULD STRIKE ME WHEN I AM DOWN! CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: Please. Sir. I was only doing my duty. ME: (utterly enraged) INDEED! AS! AM! I! (Suddenly calm again, regarding my enemy dispassionately) You have two choices. CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: Yes! Anything! Tell me! ME: You will lower my interest rate... to FIVE PERCENT! Or... CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: I... I... I can't. ME: (my Cuban accent thickening as I grow to anger again) OR YOU WILL CANCEL THE CARD COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY! CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: No. NO! ME: YOU WILL CANCEL THE CARD AND NEVER SEND ME AN OFFER AGAIN, GOOD DAY! CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE: NOOOOOOOOO! Of course, I realize that they literally could not care less if I'm cancelling. But, the fantasy kept me going. So we celebrated the demise of the card... but it's a week later and I find I haven't yet made that call to cancel it. I have waited and worked for this moment for months and months and months. Now the card is at 0. It's paid off. "So why not hang on to it?" a little voice asks. "In case something comes up?" I hesitate - I listen. "Taxes are coming up, and those are expensive. The movie premiere is coming up, that's expensive. And what about that Powerbook you want. No, strike that - that Powerbook you NEED?" Suddenly I'm Bilbo Baggins about to give up the Ring to Frodo, and Gandalf has to remind him that he never actually took it out of his pocket. I find it hard to let go of the card, and not just because of all the things I could be buying. What will I do with my money each month, if not give it to Capital One? Have I developed Stockholm Syndrome with the card? Have I become permanently domesticated by my Debt-Master?
Posted by Chris on 03/23/04
Buttttt the bankes onesies, it LOVES us! Avoid the Biggest FICO Blunder: And it was written, "When the Dark One shall cometh to you, it shall not be as a Scaly, Foul-Breathed Thing with many spiny points on its Forked Tail, but as an attractive, well considered Debt-Counselor, who shall use her Wiles upon ye." Posted by: Chris at March 24, 2004 2:36 PMonline poker http://www.online-poker-888.info Posted by: online poker at December 17, 2004 6:46 AMFebruary 24, 2004Outsourced Common SenseMy favorite Exec came by. The one that sends out these sort of emails. The one that sometimes uses me as a human favorites folder. "My email is so SLOW!" she said. "I click send and it just sits there! I have like five things in my OutBox!" I have been down this path with her many times. It is a well-worn path. Well-worn by ME, I mean. I travel this path so often I feel responsible for it. I clear the branches out of the way and pick up trash from the other hikers. But the path is really just for me - the other I.T. people are too smart to walk this way. So I begin our little play. The one where I say what I have to say and she doesn't listen to what I am saying, but keeps on talking as if I had not said what I had to say, which is an answer to her problem, because that is the way that she gets you to do something for her that she feels she doesn't have time to do. ME: Oh no - your email is slow? Hmmm. Well, have you gotten any notices from the email admin that your mailbox is reaching its size limit?
EXEC: Yes - I got one last week. But just one! ME: OK. So you cleaned out your email box? Not just your Inbox, but your subfolders and your Sent Items? Especially items with attachments? I can show you how to create a .PST file again if you like... EXEC: I mean, I've got like FIVE things in my outgoing items folder, just waiting to go. Should I just go to lunch? ME: I think when you move some of those emails out of your mailbox and into personal folders, it's going to start flowing again. Can I show you how to create a .PST file again, it will be easy- EXEC: OK, these are things that REALLY need to go out. Should I just go to lunch? Is it possible for them to increase the size limits on my mailbox? ME: Why don't I write the email admin and copy you on it, but I'm guessing he'll say the same thing about cleaning out your email box. It's amazing to me. I offer up the solution and she sort of... SCOOTS AROUND HAVING TO LISTEN TO THAT, and then keeps talking. I know we're really into outsourcing things now. Are we also outsourcing basic skills and common sense? I wish I could talk this way! That would be quite a skill-set to leverage! God help me, then I pass the buck onto our poor email admin. I write a simple note to him, CCing her. And then I instant message him and beg forgiveness.
Posted by Chris on 02/24/04
Well? Why didn't you fix it the first time? I hope her email didn't just sit there while she went to lunch. Posted by: Your other girlfriend at February 24, 2004 4:46 PMYou = the devil Posted by: Chris at February 25, 2004 9:57 AMFebruary 20, 2004The Loneliest Spy-ChipCHIP IN MY TIVO REMOTE CONTROL: This is Unit 561-B to Parent Company. Unit 561-B to Parent Company, come in, Parent Company.
PARENT COMPANY: We're reading you, 561-B. What's he doing now? CHIP IN MY TIVO REMOTE CONTROL: Just wanted to upload some data to you. I'm getting a 53% galvanic skin response when he watches "Fear Factor" lately, so add Shannon Doherty to his "list." Also an increased perspiration with Nancy O'Dell on "Access Hollywood." PARENT COMPANY: So nothing's changed with him. Steady Nancy O' Dell readings across the board. Thanks, 561-B. CHIP IN MY TIVO REMOTE CONTROL: AND - I'm also noticing his grip tighten on me by a factor of three when he watches "Spongebob." What's up with THAT? PARENT COMPANY: There's no telling. Good catch, anyway - we'll pass it on to Analysis. Anything else? CHIP IN MY TIVO REMOTE CONTROL: Let's see. Oh - he's screening calls a lot. He exercises in the morning but for only about 4 minutes. He has 14 sweaters but only wears the ones that are solid-colored. He seems to be unaware of his own color-blindness. Oh - and although he tells everyone he's "dieting," he ate the whole box of fat-free breakfast bars. PARENT COMPANY: Brand? CHIP IN MY TIVO REMOTE CONTROL: Eat-rite. It was disgusting - crumbs all the way down his shirt. PARENT COMPANY: Curious. Well, if there's nothing else, we'll sign off- CHIP IN MY TIVO REMOTE CONTROL: Oh, and he's been really into "cleaning up" his saved programs on Tivo lately. He deleted a lot of the saved programs that he was never getting to. PARENT COMPANY: Yes, our readouts here indicated that the disk space had changed a bit. CHIP IN MY TIVO REMOTE CONTROL: And get this - the other day he threw me ACROSS THE ROOM TO THE COUCH when he was done with me. I was under the cushion until 9 the next day. That's PM. Can you believe it? And- PARENT COMPANY: Unit 561-B? CHIP IN MY TIVO REMOTE CONTROL: Yes? PARENT COMPANY: If that's all, we really have to go. Thanks for the report and please keep receiving data on him. CHIP IN MY TIVO REMOTE CONTROL: Oh - OK. Yes, will do! You can count on me!
Posted by Chris on 02/20/04
well I'm sad for that little remote. You know how to bring out the emotions in someone. Posted by: friend jessica at February 20, 2004 3:33 PMJanuary 7, 2004A short radio play~ a short radio playlet ~ DORIS: Harry, can you come in here please? (We hear the whine of large motors and servos. Heavy, metallic footsteps hit the floor as something large moves closer.) HARRY: What is it, my pet? DORIS: Harry, we need to talk. I've come to a decision. I want you... to take off the exoskeleton. HARRY: (sighing with exasperation) Now, love, we've been through this before- DORIS: I KNOW we have, Harry, but... I married a MAN, not some walking contraption! HARRY: There, there! That's just more of that crazy-talk! Don't you see that the exoskeleton is more than just some "contraption?" It enhances and increases all my physical abilities! Why, this gives me strength far beyond any man! (We hear the intrusive sound of Harry's servos throughout.) HARRY: And that wouldn't be a problem if you'd just learn to be more accepting of the exoskeleton I've made for you! You never use it at all! And after all that work I put into it making the sensory ports compatible! How do you think that makes me feel, Doris? DORIS: Harry, it pinches around the waist. I told you that. HARRY: A simple adjustment, and that pain is gone! Besides, once you begin losing muscle mass as I have, the harness will start to feel better. DORIS: Harry, I don't WANT to be able to pick up a thousand pounds and run at 75 miles per hour! I don't WANT to have a standard interface to plug in any digital or analog signal! I want to move around on my own. HARRY: Doris, really, I... (Muttering) Stupid human, with your puny muscles and soft underbelly. So easy to dominate! DORIS: What a thing to say! HARRY: Oh! That's just the exoskelton talking - don't pay any attention! DORIS: Don't blame the machine! HARRY: No, I mean literally. I've wired my larynx and voice box through the exoskelton's processors, and that must have been a cached comment from earlier. Disregard it, please! Oh - also disregard this next comment, as it is cached from an earlier discussion I was having with a sales representative: With my metal grapplers I could crush your wrist-bones to powder, so get me the cooling fan and be quick about it. DORIS: Oh, Davis. HARRY: What's that you brought me? DORIS: Oh, nothing. It's just a flower from our garden. I was hoping it would remind you of something natural, and not mechanical. But I can see it's useless. HARRY: Not at all! Just place it there on the conveyer belt, I'll store it in my access port so that I can process its scent later! How thoughtful! THE END
Posted by Chris on 01/ 7/04
Aaaaack! It's REAL: October 14, 2003August 21, 2003Once a Blackguard
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