Review: Christmas with the Kranks

What was I even doing at this movie? you wonder. Well, as I mentioned before, family was in town this Thanksgiving weekend, and we needed an activity when rain spoiled our beach outing. What better thing than a completely neutral movie?

"The Incredibles" had already been seen by most of us, and when someone suggested "Alexander" I QUICKLY pushed through the "Kranks" option. God! There are not enough Conversation-Safe Flash Cards in the world to pull us out of the Bisexual Greek Conversation Abyss!

"Kranks" fails spectacularly by trying to exist in more or less the same exact space as "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" without being even a quarter as good. Damned if it isn't just a movie about people learning the True Meaning of Christmas, without any twist on that theme whatsoever.

"Kranks" brings not one new idea to the T.M.O.C. genre, except for the unintentional portrayal of the pro-holiday crowd as a mob of Christmas Nazis. There's the standard Guy Who is Actually Santa Claus, there's the ubiquitous Chicago skyline (which apparently is visible from most Hollywood backlots), there's the complete lack of anything other than the Christian holiday in the envelope universe the movie exists in.

It's unfortunate that, because the neighbors are such ogres (led by Dan Aykroyd in the movie's only lively performance), most reasonable viewers will sympathize totally with Tim Allen's desire to take a cruise instead of decorate the tree, and sink into depression along with him when he is pressured into staying by the impending return of his genetically perfect daughter. Obviously Allen is supposed to be the Scrooge of this movie, but it doesn't work if all the Bob Cratchetts and Tiny Tims are a bit monstrous.

At the end I was reminded of Clark Griswold's post-breakdown conversation with his father. Clark wants to know how his dad survived the holidays year after year, and dad admits he had a lot of help from Jack Daniels. Certainly Tim Allen looked like he needed a stiff shot when it was over, and he had finally learned the T.M.O.C.: the holiday is mandatory, there is only one way to celebrate it, and if you deviate, something is wrong with you.

Selling Out

An interesting thing about people's perceptions of you when you relocate out here: you haven't just moved, you've changed.

I picked my family up at the airport on Thanksgiving morning, and the first thing they said when they saw me was "You look so California!" Even though I was wearing clothes I've had since Chicago, and I have no tan to speak of. Maybe it was my aura? I don't know, I didn't ask.

As a matter of fact I started getting this sort of comment BEFORE I moved. Just by announcing the intention to relocate, you can be seen as a de facto resident!

Best D.J.s

Richard Milne - "Local Anesthetic" on WXRT Chicago

Nic Harcourt - "Morning Becomes Eclectic" on KRCW L.A. (Also streaming through iTunes)

Oddly, these guys have not gotten the memo from Radio that you must include a wacky sidekick or the optional third person just to giggle. So you may not know exactly what it is that you're hearing at first. But I'll tell you what it is: it's music, and in particular good music you may not have heard a billion times yet. These guys seem to be into it. How quaint!

Also, not only do these guys SAY IT when they PLAY it, you can also look it up on their sites:

http://www.wxrt.com/program/detail/local_anesthetic.html

http://www.kcrw.com/pl/NowPlayDay.html

One of which has links that take you RIGHT TO AMAZON. Let's enjoy them now before they're discovered and shut down.

TV Coverage Prediction

What do you want to bet, right now in local newsrooms all over the country, they're drawing straws over who has to be the correspondant to schlep down to the airport and get the B-roll of Thanksgiving travelers standing in line or napping in chairs while waiting for a delayed flight?

And then the one who draws the short straw goes and dusts off the copy from last year. How to put that extra "spin" on the factoids this time? Busiest travel day of the year, check. TSA being extra cautious about terrorist alerts, check. Make sure to call ahead and arrive two hours before domestic flights, check.

And then they'll get there and scan the crowds for the Joe Q. Sixpack that can bumble his way through some on-air statement about not minding the inconvenience, since it's a small price to pay for national security.

Couldn't they just use last year's tape?

Cell Phone Peeves #395498

1: Since it's really anyone's guess if we'll actually be connected when you call, I mean we'll probably be cut off right away, or you won't be able to hear me, or a train will go overhead right at that moment, and then I'll hang up and call you back but then you've called ME back at the same time, so we both go to each other's voice mail, and I'll continue to do so for a few tries since you're leaving me a message, and then I give up and THEN you call me back,

skip the inevitable preamble when we're finally connected, relaying all the missteps and false starts that went into making this call happen?

Can we just agree ahead of time that yes! It's NUTS how we called at the same time, and then get onto it? MUST WE go through all these cell phone acrobatics only to devote the first thirty seconds of each conversation to a prologue outlining the harrowing journey to connection? Did I try to call you earlier? Yes, as you see on your caller ID. Did I listen to your message that you just left, NO.

And, 2: Why is it when the connection goes bad, it's ME cutting out? I'm not trying to defend my cell phone, I'm just wondering - why is it assumed that it's ME dropping the connection here?

Previous cell phone diatribes: 1, 2, and 3.

Review: Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Jessica Biel Edition)

Let's be honest: much as cigarettes are a nicotine-delivery system, a movie like this is a Jessica Biel-delivery system. People want - nay, they CRAVE - that central ingredient, and will tolerate any amount of something that is bad to get it. So who cares whether it's "good" or not.

I didn't need to read many reviews to find out that this remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre stunk, but I Netflixed it anyway. And indeed! It's a less than mediocre update of a skeezy classic, but oh that girl. Merely to think about her is to Google around to find that picture of her in the sink again.

The movie takes the Crazy Killer Redneck genre a bit more in the direction of the House of 1000 Corpses mode, which is to say it's not so much a plot but a long session of torturing teenagers. It's like a filmed version of a walk through one of those community Halloween houses, with lots of Seven production design thrown in: garages and closets filled with jars of sinister-looking doodads like doll's heads, the occasional chicken's foot, and unidentifiable rotten gee gaws, and also water is dripping down over everything.

And the backwoods people who live there like to kill any young thing that wanders off the road, although why they're so mad I don't know, considering their candidate won again.

It does take the interesting turn of updating the hitchhiker scene in the beginning (and what she does could be the subject of an entire movie), but after that it's back to the Ten Little Indians plot, with Biel as the Most Valuable and Beautiful Indian, therefore the one that survives.

Still - I'm recommending it. Because if you're renting this, it's for Jessica, and the movie delivers there.

Well, shut my mouth

Maybe the next time I go mouthin' off about Private Ryan I should just SHUT THE HELL UP.

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/21/arts/21rich.html

No Kidding!??!?

Crematory operator pleads guilty. Wow - surprise verdict of the year.

Of all the non-political news stories I was sorry to see drop off the radar, this was at the top. Do you think the nation's top funeral industry concerns leaned on media outlets not to dwell on the story, lest too much attention be paid to cremation practices all around? I guess you could say, I lacked closure.

And as far as this blog goes, I can only echo what the World's Laziest Funeral Director said: To those of you who may have come here today looking for answers, I cannot give them to you. To those of you I have hurt, I apologize.

Directions to the Singularity

Start at Alicublog, looking for a Shorter Jim Lileks but notice a funny article about right-wingers mischaracterizing Liberals:

WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF

This is actually just a link to the funny article, which is on a site called Norbizness:

WILL BLAME AMERICA FIRST FOR FOOD

Ha! Plus, any site with Aqua Teen Hunger Force on it is cool! Check out the main page, and from there, become amused by the banner / bumper sticker, which says I'M LIBERAL AND I HATE FREEDOM. This sends you to a site called

http://www.zenarchery.com/

Get interested in the Handsome Boy Modeling School article, but then notice, over in the Delicious Links, something about a Neal Stephenson article on Slashdot:

Neal Stephenson Responds With Wit and Humor

So now we're getting close. Get pretty interested in the "I Love Bees" game:

I Love Bees

But there's also a link to - you guessed it - The Singularity:

http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~phoenix/vinge/vinge-sing.html

That's it. But you really didn't need directions. As you will read in the article, the Singularity is pretty much unavoidable. Just let go.

Deep Dark Truthful Mirror

Someone said to me once, "The camera does not love you." Yes, well, I knew that, but I had no idea of the sheer depth of its enmity towards me until I saw a documentary a friend had made recently starring myself as a minor character. Sweet Mary. Why didn't someone tell me.

The movie was funny, but afterwards I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and expire. Or perhaps be fitted for some sort of Iron Mask and forced to live in exile. I could be that Guy That Lives Alone Up In The Tower and Writes in His Blog. Bottom line, my media appearances will be sharply reduced until I can train a stand-in.

GOM WENT MY HEART

Spontaneous Intersection Presidents

Just because I stopped using the Things I'll Have No Truck With category for a while doesn't mean I've gotten lax. On the contrary there are still a whole host of people and issues with which I share many things, but truck is not one of them.

And to prove it, here's one now.

Those people who feel it necessary to give me that kingly "wave through" at an intersection, even when I already have the right of way and don't need special permission from them.

I suppose I could look at it another way and just be thankful that they're acknowledging they won't hit me as I take my rightful turn. But for some reason it comes across as them granting me special dispensation out of their benevolence. I don't like it. Whether I'm on foot or in my car, I don't like it.

Imagine me walking in front of their car, stiffly holding out the palm of my hand towards them as I did. REMAIN STOPPED! PEDESTRIAN IN CROSSWALK! DO NOT ACCELERATE AT THIS TIME!

I think they'd find it a little unnecessary as well.

Dear sir in the schmancy Jaguar: We are all equals here. You don't get to be Intersection President just because you want it.

And to demonstrate the illegitimacy of your presidency, I'm going to give up my turn and wave YOU through the intersection now. That's right, there's been a coup.

Oh, I see you're annoyed now. 'Why isn't this jerk walking?' you wonder. 'Did I not, in my capacity as leader of this great intersection, grant him passage?'

Sir, you can stay there and be annoyed for as long as you want. I am a petty man, and I can wait.

James Mason Asked to Leave American Music Awards

It has long been my way, upon hearing Hip-Hop artists speak, to repeat what they have said in the voice of beloved character actor James Mason.

I find there is no better reminder to keep it street than to hear Mason, for instance, giving a shout-out to Father God and his homeys upon winning Breakout Artist of the Year.

You might therefore not be surprised that during last night's 32nd Annual American Music Awards, James had much work to do. So much so that I was asked to either stop or leave the room.

Peace out, y'all.

At Long Last, Recognition

Bravo, Field Museum of Chicago. Finally someone has shed some light on a little-considered First Lady who has long lingered in obscurity:

http://www.fieldmuseum.org/jkennedy/

Review: My Week in the Entertainment Biz

A Tool of the Man

Will it make me a tool of the Man, a mouthpiece of the establishment, to point out that, well, Saving Private Ryan IS pretty violent. Maybe it SHOULDN'T be on prime time network TV?

I don't deny that the Morals and Values Police are going to be out in force in this glorious new age, and the climate is definitely mostly conservative. But when did showing that movie become the sole way to observe Veteran's Day?

Check him out

Incredibly funny and bizarre comic strips; some of them made into movies:

http://www.cheston.com/pbf/bio.html

Comments

Since there was commenting going on that was both lively and affirming of my personal worldview, I put the thing back up that shows what's being said right on the front page.

I also fixed the annoying thing where when you clicked on "comment" it opened in two browsers. I also fixed another thing on the big comments page that I bet bothered no one but me.

This means that periodically the front page will feature links in the comments for Online Texas Hold'Em and Viagra, which means I haven't noticed yet and will soon cleanse the site with the scouring power of Moveable Type Blacklist.

Information-Only Movie Goers: Three Tales

Went to see "The Incredibles" this weekend, and ended up sitting amongst a bunch of little kids. Because Pixar is brilliant and wonderful and great and filled with light and wonder and joy, they show not only a short cartoon in front of the main cartoon, they also show ANOTHER cartoon in front of all that, really a preview for a coming attraction but practically a short in itself.

And to top that off they've arranged for the new Star Wars trailer - an event in itself worth the price of admission - to be in front of this movie.

All in all it's almost more movie goodness than you can stand. It's truly the Christmas bonanza for movie fans. Well, for some fans.

So when the Disney logo shows before the main feature (the last time it will do so, I read), and it is clear that "The Incredibles" will now commence, the ten-year old next to me says:

"It's about time."

Ah, I see. Yes. About time, indeed.

About time Pixar stopped wasting this kid's - AND EVERYONE'S - time with all these meaningless distractions, and get down to the heart of the matter. That matter being: THE INCREDIBLES. And none of this other tom-foolery, none of this other bally-hoo.

We did NOT come to see some sheep jump around, we did NOT come to see some car talk like a hick. Those things are SILLY. And we did NOT come to see what Star Wars 6 will look like. STOP WASTING OUR VALUABLE TIME. STICK TO THE POINT, PLEASE. About time? LONG PAST TIME, I would say. That's roughly ten minutes THAT KID WILL NEVER GET BACK.

He was too young to say it, so on behalf of him and everyone else in the audience, I'LL say it: FUCK YOU, PIXAR.

Ten years old and he's already got PLACES TO BE! It's fantastic.

When I was in college I got the job of film series programmer, which I did for four semesters. It was fantastic - it was like having my own private theatre as a plaything.

Every other film lineup before had basically used the schedule as a mere link between theatrical release and home video; but I went wild, putting offbeat, full trilogies, foreign films, little-seen movies, movies banned in that state, anything that seemed cool on the schedule. I made sure to have previews, and a cartoon before the feature if possible. A lot of people seemed to like it - the numbers jumped up, anyway.

And then I discovered that a lot of the old chapter serials were available. Batman, Captain Marvel, Flash Gordon. Wow - I was ecstatic. For very little money I programmed one chapter a week, just like they used to.

The reaction? From the regulars, delight.

From the much larger student body and faculty? You would have thought I had taken their $5 and given it directly to a street-mime.

We'd start the serial - which ran around 20 minutes - around ten minutes before show time. And here's how it would go down. Ken and Susie would stop by to see the movie before going to the kegger. The'd walk in, take a look at a guy in a cape on the screen, and march out to me in the box office.

"WHAT IS THIS?" they would demand.

"It's a chapter serial," I'd explain. "It runs about twenty minutes. It's from the forties. This month it's Batman."

"IT'S IN BLACK AND WHITE," they would explain to me, since none of those words I had just said made any sense, at least not in the order that I'd used them.

"It's only got about five minutes left," I'd say. "If you want to wait out here I can let you know when it's over."

FattyFat downloads the screenplay of Star Wars 6 this morning, and begins teasing me with it over IM. Because he knows I prefer not to have any of it spoiled, this is fun for him. I explain that since the last two films have been rather... lacking, perhaps the only real Star Warsian joy left for an older fan is the anticipation. He explains that there is a scene with Anakin in lava, and what am I getting so worked up for, haven't we always known that was going to happen?

I am a Star Wars curmudgeon, he says. Yes.

But I admire him - and all those referenced here - for their attention to simple efficiency above all when it comes to movies. The important thing, you see, is just getting the basic information. And nothing extra! Just what you paid to see!

Could we not simply Powerpoint these things? Put an outline up on the internet somewhere? Think of the time saved! Think of the money!

Recent themes in spam

Defense Against the Dark Arts

From Paul Waldman in the Gadflyer:

I'm sure they'll be happy that we're all going to become conversant with the scripture.

The article also links to a great article by Gary Hart in the NYT:

and also

A better LOTR metaphor

I thought of a better LOTR metaphor for the past four years than the one I put below.

The Consultative Adventures of the Macronauts

A few discordant notes and then let's get on with our lives

I don't want to just WALLOW in the bitterness now, but permit me a few bullet points.

Tatterdemalion

A few notes to...

Not Supporting the Troops #721

I'm starting to fantasize about there one day soon being One Last Political Post on this blog, and not mentioning it again. Not that politics will cease being infuriating and comment-worthy no matter which way the election goes - but I think it would be good to concentrate on movies and rants on other subjects for a while. It doesn't take much creativity to link to something a pundit has said that makes you go "YEAH."

Still, here's something a pundit said that made me go "YEAH!"

From the Gadflyer:

I'd honestly like to hear someone legitimately rebut it, but that will never happen because saying Michael Moore is fat and dresses sloppy passes for debate in America, and is enough to keep Joe Q. Public engaged until kickoff time.

Also: I've said before that if Rudy Giuliani ran for Prez one day, I might vote for him. And I know that a certain amount of supporting the Party is necessary and required - but this damages his credibility quite a bit in my mind.