April 29, 2005

King of the Idiots: Ch. 3

The Yetis Strike

Congress was in the process of passing a special Emergency Executive War Powers Act to help the President deal with the Yeti Problem.

"The President shouldn't have to run to some 'committee' to ask for permission when these cold-hearted monsters eventually strike," a Senator declared. "It's absurd! THERE WON'T BE TIME!"

The Act looked certain to pass save for a very thin minority of lawmakers blocking the vote.

"All we're asking is that we let the Yeti Inspection Team do their work," these few lawmakers insisted. "They haven't even arrived at the Dark Forest where the President says the Yetis live yet!"

The Pro Tempore gavelled them into silence. The President, invited to this special Joint Session, was shaking his head sadly. "I've seen this sort of thing before," he said, pointing at the small group of dissenting lawmakers. "It's Yeti Mind-Poisoning."

Congress gasped as one. Could there be greater proof of the Yeti Threat? The affected Congressmen were quickly taken away by Congressional Medical Teams where they could be isolated and examined. Meanwhile, the vote continued unimpeded.

"The Yetis have made the first move," one of the Representatives said later on CNN. "And you can be sure we will swiftly retaliate."

The End

Posted by Chris on 04/29/05

Best Taglines Ever

Movie marketing is just as much a part of the current cinema experience for me as the movie. Films don't just suddenly appear, they're preceded by months of careful teasing and suspense, and if it's done right it makes the whole process, from anticipation to seeing the movie, one seamless experience.

I understand that it's the forces of marketing at work just like any T.V. commercial or glossy magazine ad, but I enjoy it, altough usually movie marketing can be pretty mundane. At worst a movie poster sometimes just looks like the compromise the lawyers finally reached over whose head would be bigger and whose name in the biggest font. But at best, it's an art form just like the film.

Taglines come out of an annoying need by marketers to summarize and encapsulate, but some of those move over into greatness as well. Here are the best ones I can think of:

  1. Even after more than twenty years, to me the best movie tagline ever is still You will believe a man can fly. I doubt I need to tell you what it was for. Maybe what was so great about it was that it was just true. To this day when I see the helicopter rescue scene, there is a moment when I still do in fact believe it.

  2. In space no one can hear you scream. Not sure why this one is so great or memorable, but there it is. Maybe because it came during the "Star Wars" era and screaming was the last thing I associated with space.

  3. The newest one, and the reason I thought to write all this: Come see where all your money went, for the Enron documentary "The Smartest Guys in the Room." Maybe I'm unduly influenced by my mindset these days, but that line alone makes me want to see the movie.

I know there must be more. What are your favorites?

Posted by Chris on 04/29/05

Let's not forget these gems:

"Every dog has its day ... on the basketball court."
(Air Bud)


"There's a scene where a guy sticks his weiner in a pie. No, I'm not effing kidding you!"
(American Pie)


"What if Columbine REALLY happened?"

Posted by: Just Pete at April 29, 2005 9:35 AM

I made up a tagline once but I have no movie or story to go along with it but I think it's gold:

Sometimes...the last person you can trust...is the last person you should.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 29, 2005 9:37 AM

I have to agree with you about the Superman tagline being the best. Like the movie itself, simple, succinct, brilliant.

Posted by: Foley at April 29, 2005 9:55 AM

I have always been fond of the the original A Nightmare on Elm Street. "If Nancy doesn't wake up screaming, she won't wake up at all." Another favorite is Black Christmas, "If this movie doesn't make your skin crawl, then it's on too tight.", and the dumbest horror tagline goes to Halloween, " The night He came home." or better yet, Halloween 2, "More of the night He came home."

Posted by: klugula at May 2, 2005 8:59 AM

Carpenter's The Thing, "Man is the warmest place to hide."

Posted by: klugula at May 2, 2005 9:17 AM

I'd forgotten about "The Thing's" tagline. That was pretty good.

Posted by: Chris at May 2, 2005 11:53 AM

April 28, 2005


From a speech given by Al Gore yesterday:

In the last few years, the American people have been told on several occasions that we were facing a dire crisis that required the immediate adoption of an unusual and controversial policy.

In each case, the remedy for the alleged crisis was an initiative that would have been politically implausible at best -- except for the crisis that required the unnatural act they urged upon us.

First, we were told that the nation of Iraq, armed to the teeth as it was said to be with weapons of mass destruction, represented a grave crisis that necessitated a unilateral invasion.

Then, we were told that Social Security was facing an imminent crisis that required its immediate privatization.

Now we are told that the federal judiciary is facing a dire crisis that requires us to break the rules of the Senate and discard the most important guarantee of the deliberative nature of Senate proceedings.

As with the previous "crises" that turned out to be falsely described, this one too cannot survive scrutiny.

Right on.

Read on to learn about an evil-sounding thing called "shadow filibusters!"

Idea for the Democrats: If you'd like to get Joe Q. engaged in the fight to save the Senate rules, point out that a "filibuster" was what Jimmy Stewart was doing in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." That's just a freebie for you guys.

Posted by Chris on 04/28/05

Don't worry, they'll want to bring back the filibuster next time there's a Democrat president.

I imagine there's a screenwriter somewhere sweating over his updated version of Mr Smith Goes to Washington - probably to star Adam Sandler or another schlockmeister capable of performing two distinct characters. They can replace the filibuster scene with something funny about herpes, "sharting" or dipping genitals in food.

I wonder what men like Jimmy Stewart and Gary Cooper - old time conservatives who made Capra films celebrating the little guy and American idealism - think of the modern Republican party and its radical power grab. They'd be rolling in their graves if they were alive today.

Posted by: isaac at April 29, 2005 8:08 AM

And I thought I was down on Joe Q.

TBogg's got it worse:

Face it. We're selfish. We're all about us and if it doesn't put a new XBox in Cody & Dakota's room or fill up the gas tank of our 12-mile a gallon TerraCrusher XLT, we don't want any part of it. Freedom for the other guys? That's their problem; when is X-Men III coming out? But threaten our "way of life" (which is more about a plentitude of internet porn, the ability to buy a 64 oz. BladderBuster™ of Mountain Dew for eighty-nine cents, and Calvin pissing-on-something car window stickers than it is about Jeffersonian democracy) and we're shipping the few, the proud, the aren't-a-legacy-at-Yale off to a country that most Americans couldn't find on a map if you spotted them the continent.

Right on.

Posted by Chris on 04/28/05

When IS X-Men III coming out? Are they shooting it now?

Honestly, before George W. Bush, this was basically my attitude, I'm ashamed to say. I was in a good job, a happy marriage, had a pet, a 401k, a big t.v., a car, went on vacation every year...what's the biggie? Who cares about stupid politics.

Then I was out of work...solidly out of work for fourteen months. Then it cost 35.00 to fill my gas tank. Now I'm having a baby and word on the street is I won't get to retire until I'm 72 and that's WITHOUT W fucking it up.

So sometimes it just takes a while for John Q. to wake up, but maybe we shouldn't write them all off. I think the IRAQ WAR of STUPIDITY shook a lot of people into alertness that would normally not care. If W. has done anything for me, it's to make me more aware, more knowledgable and better read on a variety of subjects.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 29, 2005 7:26 AM


The mummy breaks through the display case and begins eating THE CONSTITUTION.

Suddenly the lights come on. It's JOE Q. PUBLIC and SHERIFF JOHNSON!)

JOE Q.: Not so fast there, "Mr. Mummy!"

(Joe Q. marches right up to the Mummy and tears the mask off. Underneath, it's GEORGE W. BUSH!)

SHERIFF JOHNSON: My God! It was ol' man George W. Bush all along! HE was the one tearin' up the Constitution!

GEORGE W. BUSH: Heh heh heh! And its too late! I done et up and swallered the Bill a' Rights!

JOE Q: HAVE YOU? We knew what you were going to do, so we put a DECOY Constitution here instead! Our basic rights and freedoms are safe!

(George W. Bush is handcuffed.)

SHERIFF JOHNSON: How'd you know Joe Q.? When the rest of us were so mixed up?

JOE Q: It was simple, sheriff! We tricked George W. Bush into letting his guard down by electing him not once but TWICE, and by allowing him to take us to war without question! THEN, when his reasons for the war all ended up to be bogus, we made sure to call anyone who disagreed with him a traitor! For eight years we did everything he said without question to lull him into a false sense of security! When he passed a tax cut for the richest one percent during an expensive war, we pretended not to care! ALL IN AN EFFORT TO CATCH HIM HERE!

GEORGE W. BUSH: And I would have gotten away with it, too - if it wasn't for that meddling Joe Q. Public!

(Joe Q.'s adorable animated dog Fella begins chewing on George W. Bush's mummy costume.)

JOE Q: Say, Fella! That's not a chew toy, it's a U.S. President!

SHERIFF JOHNSON: I don't think he cares!

(Freeze frame on actors laughing, fade up credits and music, go to commercial.)

Posted by: Chris at April 29, 2005 10:06 AM

April 27, 2005

Caveat Emptor, Jackass

According to the polling service Gallup:

50% of Americans Now Say Bush Deliberately Misled Them on WMDs

Well. I've said it before: there was only one opinion poll that mattered for this guy, the one last November. So answer as many polls as you want, but Bush & Co were off and running six months ago. We'd be decades setting it right even if King Solomon got elected for the next two terms.

After four years, if you still couldn't get your shit together enough to look at plain facts, I really don't want to hear about your sudden epiphanies.

Posted by Chris on 04/27/05

For lack of a better term:


Posted by: friend jessica at April 27, 2005 9:48 AM

If we move to impeach the already lame and quacking president, it'll mean payback in another twenty years when some Democrat again feels confident enough to cheat on his wife.

Posted by: isaac at April 27, 2005 10:55 AM

I voted in that poll. The problem is, after Gallup asks you those questions, they offer you a nice Mary Kay spa basket for participating, and soon all your troubling thoughts of presidential deception melt away with the bath beads.

Posted by: Just Pete at April 27, 2005 11:59 AM

April 26, 2005

Executive Translation Service

Perhaps you read where

President Bush urged senators Thursday to "put aside politics" and confirm John Bolton as the country's new U.N. ambassador, calling him "the right man at the right time for this important assignment."

According to the leader of our nation,

"Sometimes, politics gets in the way of doing the people's business."

Don't be so quick to laugh. I think this is one area where we can be assured that Bush is an authority.


"Take John Bolton, the good man I nominated to represent our country at the U.N. John's distinguished career and service to our nation demonstrates that he is the right man at the right time for this important assignment," Bush said.

That is, if you ignore all the things that make him basically the worst possible man for this job. Imagine if the Conclave of Cardinals had deliberated for several days, and then emerged from their Vatican hidey-hole to announce that, having read my position on tearing down Catholic Churches, their decision was that I would be the perfect new Pope.

That's sort of what this Bolton nomination is like.

Still, Prez Bush says:

"I urge the Senate to put aside politics and confirm John Bolton to the U.N."

Executive translation: "I urge the Senate to put aside not immediately doing what I say to do and immediately do what I say to do."

Posted by Chris on 04/26/05

Chris, you'd make a terrific pope. You should have submitted your application.

Then again, Pope Benedict XVI is the perfect man to lead the Catholic Church into the fourteenth century.

And Bush? Maybe he's right. Perhaps we should put aside our desire for integrity and decency, and our fear of "big government" whenever we have a GOP stacked deck. Why doubt him? I mean he is president, right?

Posted by: isaac at April 27, 2005 6:40 AM

At work the other day we had to make a list of objectives and talk them over with our manager.

Being that I hate my job and think I'm dumped on all day, I said that my first objective was to create a comprehensive job description that the entire office could see and have access to.

My manager said, "No, don't do that. You don't have a job description. Your job description is to do whatever your boss tells you to do."

Seems sort of relevant.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 27, 2005 9:33 AM

I urge you to put aside your dignity and common sense and quickly do whatever your boss asks you to do. It's what the people would want.

Posted by: Chris at April 27, 2005 9:50 AM

April 25, 2005

The McNamara Period

Note to a local news station: Here's an example of one case where you DO apparently have an exclusive on a national news matter.

Because I'm not seeing this in any national news outlets. No surprise, though. When the man who led the Clinton impeachment admits the whole thing may have been politically motivated, well, who cares, right?

Henry Hyde of Illinois seems to be going through his McNamara Period - that point when elder politicians feel it's O.K. to admit that maybe the stuff they did was, well, kind of evil, but hey! I'm saying it now, so better late than never, right? No harm, no foul?

As Congressman Henry Hyde prepares to step down due to poor health, he reflects on 30 years of service and answers a poignant question about leading the Clinton impeachment hearings--Would he do it again?

A "poignant" question. Is that really the word we're looking for here? I don't really sit around and say "Ah, the poignancy of those impeachment hearings! How young we were then! What innocent times!"

But actually, now that you mention it, I DO sort of long for the days when the biggest scandal we had was Clinton's marital infidelity.

In an ABC7 exclusive, the eloquent 81-year-old conservative from DuPage County said he has second thoughts about leading the impeachment of President Bill Clinton in 1998 on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice in connection to the Monica Lewinsky affair because the process led to the embarrassing disclosure of Hyde's own extramarital affair in the 1960s. Hyde referred to his affair as a "youthful indiscretion."

Well! Thank you for your eventual candor, sir! Even if it only came about because you were yourself shown to be an adulterer. The important thing is, we've all learned a lesson. And that's what matters most.

"Would you do it again?" asked ABC7's political reporter Andy Shaw.

"That is a very good question. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I might not," said Hyde.

Ah, hindsight! And if the effort to do away with Social Security was not enough to convince you that the GOP has a long memory for grudges:

The veteran republican is also admitting for the first time that the impeachment of Clinton may have been in part political revenge against the democrats for the impeachment proceedings against GOP President Richard Nixon 25 years earlier.

Now, don't feel you owe it to anyone to put the record straight in a national forum or anything. A simple local station will do. You just relax and work on those memoirs. Have a drink! Your work is done.

Posted by Chris on 04/25/05

So I should wait another decade before I begin my youthful indiscretions? And they'll be forgiven if I vote Republican? Hot dog.

Posted by: isaac at April 26, 2005 6:59 AM

Oh well. You know, a little honesty is refreshing...at least the Christ loving republicans admit their mistakes with gladness...sort of like the Lord Jesus would. Republicans...you know I love them.

And in the end, didn't everything turn out ok?

I think so.

:: playing hopscotch with gnat ::

Posted by: friend jessica at April 26, 2005 8:11 AM

In thinking more about this, I'm glad the Republicans acted as Jesus would.

Instead of taking responsibility and gladly kicking alcoholic president Richard Nixon out, for soiling their name and party with his crimes, they decided on a course of revenge against those who pointed out the crimes and their unacceptability.

You might think a course of revenge, a grudge, might not survive two decades in a good heart but you'd be wrong. Hatred doesn't blacken your heart and soul after all, and once Jesus plots revenge he'll wait eternity for it. I think it's called being resolute. Forgiveness? Getting over it? Well that's flip-flopping.

Posted by: isaac at April 26, 2005 9:40 AM

It's time for Democrats to get revenge for the Teapot Dome Scandal. Damn that Warren G. Harding!

Damn him!

Posted by: Rich at April 26, 2005 11:01 AM

April 22, 2005

King of the Idiots: Ch. 2

The Anti-Yeti Provisions

All the polls showed that the people favored legislation to lower the cost of school lunches for underprivileged kids. And since elections were coming up for the majority of Congress, the politicians hastily drafted a "School Lunch Reform Bill."

The Congressmen, parents group leaders, and children's advocates delivered the Bill to the White House. They expected a fight: many of the President's pet initiatives were funded by tax increases on school lunches.

The President read and reread the bill. Finally, he spoke. "I would sign this Bill except for one thing," he said.

The bill's sponsors leaned forward to hear what he would say.

"There is not a single Anti-Yeti provision in the whole thing," said the President.

The Congressmen and advocates were nonplussed. "Yetis, sir?" asked a junior Senator.

"Of course," said the President. "Everyone knows if you want to deal with school lunches, then you must first do something about the Yetis."

The Congressmen looked uneasily at one another. It was difficult for such experienced lawmakers to realize they had missed such an obvious thing.

The President shook his head sadly. "Frankly," he said, "it looks like something that would have come from my predecessor."

The senators and advocates recoiled. That they were in the Oval Office was all that kept many of them from spitting on the ground. There was not a more hated man in Washington than the last president.

"He was weak on the Yeti Problem," the President continued. The Senators nodded in agreement. "I owe it to the American people not to make the same mistake."

No other words needed to be spoken. The Congressmen returned to the Hill, where they immediately went into overnight sessions. There was hard work ahead, and the school lunch bill would have to wait: they had to pass meaningful Anti-Yeti legislation, and quickly.

The End
Posted by Chris on 04/22/05

Short Straw Duty

I bet the ultimate short-straw duty for Catholic priests is being the one that has to go down and make an official statement at wherever somebody says they're seeing a vision of Mary this week.

CARDINAL: All right, Mike. You know the drill. Neither confirm nor deny, vague positive statements, mysterious ways, that kind of thing.

FATHER MICHAEL: (Sighing heavily as he gets his coat) Can't I just call the TV station and read a statement?

CARDINAL: Of course not. Now go. I'd send Dan but you know he drew the short straw for the cheese sandwich on eBay last year.

It's definitely worse than being the newsguy that has to go down to the airport on Thanksgiving.

If you're fresh out of Seminary in Chicago and they tell you to report to the Fullerton underpass to bless the shrine set up under a water stain on the concrete, you've GOT to be thinking it's first-year hazing.

Posted by Chris on 04/22/05

They found a new one today in Glendale Heights. It's a box turtle with the virgin mary on its bottom shell.

THe people called WGN to report that their turtle bore the image of the blessed virgin but they "hope this doesn't turn into a media circus".

I can think of one HUGE way that could have been prevented.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 25, 2005 6:04 AM

April 21, 2005

The F/ Deduction

Question for rappers and hip-hop artists:

Just wondering, what are the tax implications if you were "featured" on a given number of tracks during 2004? Do you count as a "dependent" if your name went after the "&" more often than before? I'm assuming K-Ci & JoJo have a fairly complex return. Do they file jointly? Who counts who(m) as a dependent? What's the deduction for that anyway? Did you get a 1099 from Mary J. Blige?

Posted by Chris on 04/21/05

And what about Tupac? The hardest working dead man in show business?

Posted by: friend jessica at April 22, 2005 6:11 AM

It's been a great tax year for Ashley Simpson, too, who learned that she won't be assessed as a "Professional Singer" per se, but rather qualifies for the adventageous "Mime and Street Performance" bracket.

Posted by: Just Pete at April 25, 2005 6:56 AM


Posted by: friend jessica at April 25, 2005 7:01 AM

:: gently pats goat's behind, urging it to trot over to Friend Jessica's arms ::

That's how this sick game goes, right?

Posted by: Just Pete at April 26, 2005 12:30 PM

New Rules

I've always enjoyed Bill Maher's shows. Even though I don't agree with everything he says, watching him reminds me that I haven't just gone insane for the past six years or so. There are still people out there who can argue like adults.

Here's HBO's Bill Maher page, where out of the goodness of their hearts they put the transcripts from his "New Rules" segment: http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

Posted by Chris on 04/21/05

April 20, 2005

The Process of Transformation Is Likely to Be a Long One

Tired of hearing Joe Q. sing chorus after chorus of that ol' Red State standard "Darn That Liberal Media" every time one of his Congressmen gets caught beating a dog or cheating on his wife?

Do what I do - print out a copy of the Project for a New American Century's report entitled Rebuilding America's Defenses, written in 2000 - that's a year before 9/11 - by the likes of Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Jeb Bush, Richard Perle, and Dick Cheney, and which includes such classic bits as

The United States has for decades sought to play a more permanent role in Gulf regional security. While the unresolved conflict with Iraq provides the immediate justification, the need for a substantial American force presence in the Gulf transcends the issue of the regime of Saddam Hussein.


The process of transformation is likely to be a long one, absent some catastrophic and catalyzing event like a new Pearl harbor.

(Emboldenment mine, although anyone else who's ever quoted this emboldens the same part, which of course does not include that darned Liberal Media.)

Then you roll it up tightly, and smack Joe Q across the nose with it.

He will not "get it," as he has LONG moved past the "learning things" frame of mind, but this will at least keep him from parroting that particular line again.


Who am I kidding? No it won't.

Posted by Chris on 04/20/05

April 19, 2005

Dear Netflix

Dear Netflix,

Next to "Dynamite" magazine when I was a kid you have been my favorite subscription ever. Getting one of your red envelopes in the mail is a reliable thrill, and upgrading to your five DVDs at a time option was a smart decision. I don't know if you ever claimed that you have every DVD made, but it's very rare that I can stump you.

And when you actually move into the "net" part of your business plan, you can count on me to upgrade my entertainment hardware back to its pre-move levels to take advantage.

When you announced your "Friends" feature, where you can share movie ratings with others, I thought that was pretty nifty, even though I don't use your rating system much.

(It's not that I mind getting "suggestions" when I sign on, but I generally have my own agenda on what I'm going to add. And I guess I've ALWAYS been a little suspicious of how "smart" a ratings-to-suggestion feature is, even with that Queen of Internet Commerce, Amazon. I mean, if I let you know I hated "Manhunter," how do I know your computers won't extrapolate that I must also hate "Hannibal" and "Silence of the Lambs?" Not true! How might you modify my experience if I reveal that after I rented "Bedknobs and Broomsticks," it wasn't as great as I remember? Because I still like Disney movies! How will you take it if I really liked "50 First Dates" but not "Billy Madison?" But maybe I'm just being pompous, assuming I can't be profiled like every other human being.)

But I was stunned to find out yesterday that I can actually see what my Netflix buddies are renting. I mean, I know exactly what disks they actually have waiting on top of their TVs now, and they know mine.

Let me ask you to knock that off.

I don't mind sharing ratings with friends, but something about people knowing precisely what I'm renting is a little Department of Homeland Security to me. Yes, I know the distinction between sharing ratings and sharing actual rental titles is fuzzy - after all, if I've rated it, then I must have seen it - and yes, I know I don't have to have Netflix Friends.

But if I DO have Netflix Friends, how am I going to talk Bergman and Godard with them if they can clearly see I have "Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood" at home? How can I roll my eyes at their bourgeois tastes if they know I keep renting Lindsey Lohan movies?

So I'm asking you to keep the ratings but ditch the list sharing. Thanks!

Your Bestest Pal,


Posted by Chris on 04/19/05

Dynamite! I need to renew that. And Ranger Rick. I had a friend that was still getting Highlights into her late twenties. Grandma didn't read the little paper close enough when she accidently bought a two decade description.

As far as Netflix, I'd never flinch if I saw any Disney film or any orgy or any blood film on your list. If I saw Goddard, I think, "So, he finally got off his ass for that one." This feature punctures no balloons. You've already rated Harold and Kumar five stars. You are no mystery, my friend.

Posted by: fattyfat at April 20, 2005 5:27 AM

Wooooaaahhhhh what what?

Hooboy. My parents are on my friends list. I'm sure they're thrilled to see Intimacy and Young Adam are at the house right now.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 20, 2005 8:52 AM

I can't believe after the Livejournal Incident of Aught Four they'd be surprised at "Young Adam."

And I stand by Harold and Kumar.

Posted by: Chris at April 20, 2005 5:08 PM

Netflix is going to let me temporarily cancel while I'm screwing my new wife in foreign B&Bs for a month, then join back up having nothing happened to my queue. They're cool like that.

Posted by: Casey Edward Hayes at April 20, 2005 9:00 PM

Casey couldn't WAIT for the opportunity to post something about SCREWING.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 21, 2005 7:10 AM

April 18, 2005

Kung Fu Hustle

There are some movies so great that I must have the T-Shirt, the action figures, the soundtrack, the novelization tie-in, the poster, the "making-of" booklet, and the ring tone, and then there are those movies that I must have all the stuff on the way home from the theatre.

"Kung Fu Hustle" is that latter sort of film. I am sure there are several flaws in the movie - and I'll report back with them on any of my planned repeat viewings. It's a joyful, human kung-fu cartoon of an experience, and we laughed throughout. It's doing it a disservice to just call it a CGI and wire-work kind of movie, but know that if those are your bag, you'd be a fool to miss this.

Posted by Chris on 04/18/05

I hate those kind of movies that force you to buy every piece of memorabilia. Unfortunately, 80% of the movies I see, turn out to be "that kind of movie".

Posted by: klugula at April 18, 2005 5:19 PM

Are there really action figures???

I'll be honest, the only 'kung fu' movie I've seen is Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, which I didn't much care for...so it's probably 'not in my bag' as they say.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 19, 2005 8:59 AM

Wedding receptions will never be the same. I look forward to the "Kung Pao Chicken Dance", as well.

Posted by: Just Pete at April 25, 2005 7:00 AM

King of the Idiots: Ch. 1

The Hydra Crisis

A group of politicians calling themselves the Consortium for a Concerned Citizenry came into the President's office.

"Mr. President," the Consortium spokesman said. "Your term has been up for more than three months. Will you or will you NOT relinquish office?"

The president appeared to think for a moment, but then something caught his eye out the Oval Office window. "OH MY GOD, did a Nine-Headed Hydra just fly by outside?"

The terrified Consortium peered out of the windows. There was no sign of the beast.

"God, it's gone invisible again," said the President, expertly scanning the skies. "The Nine-Headers do that just before they attack, I hear."

A wave of panic went through the Consortium politicians. They began quickly babbling and clutching at each other, until the President's cool leadership prevailed.

"Everyone remain perfectly calm, and above all, NO ONE SAY A WORD," he said. "Hydras can sense dissent - and it drives them WILD."

The Consortium asked for permission to spend the night in the safety of the White House. In the spirit of bipartisanship, the President agreed and personally saw to it that they were all made comfortable.

In the morning, the Consortium went back to the Hill, where they immediately passed a resolution commending the President for his handling of the situation.

"You don't change leadership during a Hydra crisis," said one of the Consortium Senators. "It's just common sense. And the President has handled this even better than the LAST time the beast attacked."

The End.
Posted by Chris on 04/18/05

April 14, 2005

Worst Fears, Reordered for Geography

Worst Chicago Fear: Being the victim of a drive-by shooting.

Worst L.A. Fear: Being run over. "Being shot" is still a concern, but now secondary.

Analysis: No big surprises here. Despite a change in setting, the basis of my worst fear is still vehicular in nature. But I'm at a loss to explain why the focus has switched from passenger to driver. It's not as if drivers are noticably worse here. I feel they are a BIT more aggressive, but then I am walking to work all the time.

For that matter I never had any basis for a drive-by fear in Chicago, either. It's not as if I lived in gangland territory, although Friend Jessica was fond of refering to anything south of her neighborhood as Cabrini Green.

Posted by Chris on 04/14/05

Interesting how quickly you forget your greatest fear of


which coincided with my greatest fear of


We actually referred to your neighborhood (the leaning house of McCaleb neighborhood) as Bosnia, I believe. I loved your last neighborhood.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 15, 2005 11:42 AM

Worst downstate Illinois fear:

Paying too much for car insurance.

Posted by: Just Pete at April 15, 2005 12:36 PM

More on Human Lightswitch Syndrome

Friend Jessica, a friend indeed, has passed on some exciting information to me about my supposed electrical field issue, which she found on Straight Dope, from whence all good things come:

Can some people extinguish streetlamps by means of their bodily emanations?

WOW! I'm not pleased with this phrase "bodily emanations," but WOW! It's fantastic to think that I came to this belief independently, yet now Jessica has revealed that (although it's hardly common) other people think this too!

What other strange, solitary beliefs do I have that maybe belong to some shared psychosis? Do any of you believe that you are SLIGHTLY psychic about television programming on some basic cable stations, but not enough to actually predict when a given movie will be on? Anyone still have a nagging problem with stepping on a crack because of the "break your mother's back" thing? Anyone out there who thinks the whole "Magic Eye" poster craze was a hoax that everyone was in on but you?

Don't be ashamed! Let us unite in our oddball beliefs!

And there is some relief in finding out that at least Straight Dope has given this thing a name, HLS (Human Lightswitch Syndrome), and it will not be called McCaleb's (Make Cuckoo Sound While Twirling Fingers Near Head) Syndrome.

I should be clear. I don't REALLY think I have a field that sometimes turns off street lights. But - well, I notice it happening every now and then, and what's up with that? This morning I had to come to work early enough that the street lights were still on, and yes, one went off as I went under it. But I've never tested it. It's always been fairly random. And I've never stuck around to see if they come back on.

I know that I'm just noticing something that's happening all the time, just like the "van on the corner" as the man says in the article. So I guess now I'm wondering, why have I been noticing this random little thing and not something else? Why don't I theorize that only an even number of birds will be sitting on telephone wires outside my house? Why don't I note the trend and pattern of car alarms going off at night and wonder if I am somehow influencing it? Will I one day read back over these words and think, yep, that was about when I was starting to lose it?

Anyway, thanks, Friend Jessica! And thanks to Straight Dope for phrases like "The Delightful Ones" and "electropause."

Posted by Chris on 04/14/05

Well... Rich thinks he sees more rabbits than anyone else in Chicago.


Posted by: Big Fat Brian at April 15, 2005 6:16 AM

All I'm saying is that I see a LOT of rabbits in the city and they all seem to want me to drink beer. So I oblige. You don't want to cross a city rabbit.

Posted by: rich at April 15, 2005 6:40 AM


Posted by: friend jessica at April 15, 2005 6:40 AM

Rabbits? In the city? I've ever heard anything so ludicrious in all my life!

:: causing a streetlamp to flicker off just by my mere presence ::

Posted by: Chris at April 15, 2005 9:04 AM

Can some people extinguish streetlamps by means of their bodily emanations?

No, but I once extinquished a candle by means of my own bodily emanation. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Posted by: Just Pete at April 15, 2005 9:20 AM

Does Pete live in Sunny, Godless L.A., or in Hardworkin' Christian Chicago? Because he sounds...

Posted by: friend jessica at April 15, 2005 9:23 AM

Trust me, Friend Jessica, you do NOT want to encourage Just Pete...he ALREADY thinks he's the Owen Wilson of Podcasting.

Posted by: Foley at April 15, 2005 11:42 AM

I do have a crooked nose, if that counts for anything.

Posted by: Just Pete at April 15, 2005 12:31 PM

I Am Your Dues

I am pulling together a short movie these days. Yesterweek I was talking to an actor about it - not an audition, just chatting up somebody outside this screenwriting thing. The first question the actor asked was, what's your budget?

Well. I'm currently at the stage in of my "career" where if that's someone's first question then I know we won't be working together. But again, this wasn't an audition, we were just chatting. I said "self-funded," and he replied very quickly that he didn't work on those kinds of projects, and actually turned away a little bit.

Then there was silence. I doubt that crickets actually chirped but it would have been a brilliant time for them to do so. I went back to my paper and he stared thoughtfully out into the distance, out into the night, out into the traffic, maybe to see if other, more serious filmmakers were out there.

Well. As the Python boys used to say, it's a fair cop. And I mean that. Maybe he's been through that and wants no more of it. Fair enough. Maybe he's just set his standards at a certain level of professionalism; whatever, it's fair. And again, I wasn't askin', but just in case I was, I got the message: he wasn't givin'.

But it's a sad, crazy day when you come to know that working with you is considered "paying your dues." No harm meant, I'm sure, but nothing sets you right on just where you are on the totem pole faster than that.

When I hear from actors such as this one how much better it is to have the correct kind of catering table, a guy to handle wardrobe, a make-up person, a large crew and all the rest of it, than it is to work on a no-budget film, it's a bit like hearing someone say You know, I enjoy HAVING money more than struggling without it.

It's a startling insight. Thank God someone who has been to the Other Side has brought this knowledge back to the tribe.

To all those actors who I have helped come to the realization that they would never work on the cheap again: you're welcome. It was my pleasure to hasten this personal career standard along. May you always get to maintain it.

Posted by Chris on 04/14/05

We paid our dues... TOGETHER!!!

The difference here is, I'll remember that and I hope you do too.

Posted by: Big Fat Brian at April 14, 2005 10:02 AM

If you need a slightly pregnant gal for your film, I'll fly right the fuck out there and act the HELL out of the part.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 14, 2005 10:16 AM

What Tina Turner said about you guys is so true. YOU'RE SIMPLY THE BEST.

Posted by: Chris at April 14, 2005 10:49 AM

If he was a fellow director, he could have proceeded to question #2: How big is your crew?

Chris, come back to Chicago to make the film. You've got the actors and the crew established. We can blue screen in that great shot from the observatory overlooking LA at night...

Posted by: isaac at April 14, 2005 10:50 AM

You're right, it would be easier. I could shoot 2nd unit stuff here until our lease runs out, then come back to Chicago to make the bulk of the film.

Posted by: Chris at April 14, 2005 12:02 PM

I always knew Tom Hanks was a jag.

Posted by: Just Pete at April 14, 2005 12:03 PM

What does it take for one to get funding for a film? Not big studio stuff. But short films. There has to be someone out there willing to pitch in the $$. This is my opinion: You are in Los Angeles. Make the film in Los Angeles. Come back to Chicago only after you've exhausted all your options. You are a GREAT writer. You have an amazing talent. If you went out there to make another film back in Chicago, what's the freaking point of going out there in the first place?

What I'm trying to say is don't sell yourself short. You have the goods. Maybe it's time people start paying YOU to make films. That's all.

P.S. Can I have a part in your movie?

Posted by: Imoan is Naomi backwards at April 14, 2005 12:46 PM

I would also like a part in your movie. I will not resort to ass-kissing to get it. Just...other things. You know what I mean? "wink wink"

Posted by: klugula at April 14, 2005 1:00 PM

I would like to finance your movie. How many car chases are in it?

Posted by: Jerry Bruckheimer at April 14, 2005 1:30 PM

I agree with Naomi, just kidding urging you back to Chicago. Either way, thank the Lord of all Creation you have your own camera and you're not in the south.

Posted by: isaac at April 14, 2005 1:46 PM

I do thank the God of my choice about that each and every day.

I'd have to say in terms of career and personal confirmation, this has been the most successful comments thread... EVER. My thanks to everyone involved. Look how easily I was able to trick you into saying nice things to me. And I can only remind you that if you wrote in weekly with such affirmations there would be no need for me to make movies in the first place.

Now don't let me stop you - there are still several I don't think we've heard from. Rich? I believe you're next.

Posted by: Chris at April 14, 2005 2:28 PM

I was Jerry Bruckheimer! Chris you are the reason for the season! You are the wind beneath my wings.

Seriously, I agree with everyone else. Keep plugging away. Your talent will win out.

It must, or the Jade Monkey will be lost forever.

Posted by: rich at April 15, 2005 6:35 AM

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I HAVE YOUR JADE MONKEY RIGHT HERE PAL.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 15, 2005 6:41 AM

Oh, then don't worry about it Chris.

Posted by: rich at April 15, 2005 6:58 AM

Oh, yeah, anyway, in July or August...maybe September, you and I are going to sit down at some goddamn beach cafe or some shit and write an outline for a sitcom idea I have. IT'S GOOD. YOU'LL LIKE IT. Then over the next several weeks, we'll write a pilot and shop it around.

Posted by: Casey Edward Hayes at April 20, 2005 9:12 PM


Posted by: Chris at April 21, 2005 10:18 AM

April 13, 2005

Violence in the lost "Star Wars" Line

I guess we could have figured it would come to this:

Misplaced "Star Wars" Line Breaks Up In Chaos Angry fans from rival line throw flares into crowd

HOLLYWOOD, California (Reuters) -- The hapless ticket line for the upcoming film "Revenge of the Sith," made infamous when fans lined up more than a month in advance at the wrong theatre, was largely abandoned today when a man was struck by one of dozens of flares thrown into the line by disgruntled "Star Wars" fans from a rival ticket line.

Theatre owners took the shaken Star Wars devotees into their lobbies for protection after fans in the rival line began hurling plastic bottles and then over 30 flares on to the misplaced line. Tension over a rumor that the screening venue would be changed is cited as the motive.

The struck fan, George Lida, 43, received medical treatment to his shoulder while theatre owners urged fans to stop hurling objects on to the line.

Full story - with unbelievable pictures - here.

Posted by Chris on 04/13/05

Cripes people!!! We ALL LIKE STAR WARS!!!

I hope they don't start tipping over cars and looting! That might make them look too much like sports fans.

Posted by: Big Fat Brian at April 14, 2005 6:12 AM

Brian starts the anger ALL OVER AGAIN

Posted by: friend jessica at April 14, 2005 8:06 AM

I agree, soccer sucks.

Instead of throwing flares the people in Star Wars lines cast the ancient spell of Knor Bartok which induces a burning sensation on their fellow line members skin. Sadly enough the other members of the line play along and writhe in agony screaming, "By the Temple of Gastroth, I will reduce your land to ashes!"

Which is worse?

Posted by: rich at April 14, 2005 8:14 AM

Let me say this.. I don't think Brian or I got the joke, and i feel dumb as a result.

Also, the goalie who got hit with the flare? Pretty f-ing hot if you ask me.


OK. Soccer is a whole different world, separate from any other sport. I declare it unfair to compare that to say baseball or american football fans. European Soccer People should be given their own island, far from civilization.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 14, 2005 8:30 AM

Yes, we should put British soccer houligans on an island somewhere.

Posted by: rich at April 14, 2005 8:49 AM


Didn't click the link. Chris is just too believable of a writer, and soccer is dumb.

I like the island idea. But isn't that how Australia started?

Posted by: Big Fat Brian at April 14, 2005 9:14 AM

In fact it is brian. Can't we give the soccer hooligans a part of hawaii?

Posted by: friend jessica at April 14, 2005 9:16 AM

Yes, look into that would you Brian?

Posted by: rich at April 14, 2005 9:30 AM

The Island of Soccer Hooligans idea has been suggested before, but scientists have rejected it, citing the dangerous possibility of some kind of Super, UBER-Hooligan evolving there in isolation.

And what would happen if an UberHooligan made it back to mainland, you ask? Well, it would be far worse than a few burning cars and trampled fans, I assure you. What you'd get is a complete undermining of all known league standards. Do you want that?

Posted by: Chris at April 14, 2005 9:37 AM

I agree, soccer is dumb. They keep moving, always running, never stopping for time outs or long periods where the camera can rest on some nutball manager chewing or adjusting his genitals.

There is an island for soccer: North America. (How close it is to civilization is a debate close to the separation of church and state issue.) The rest of the world plays football, which is also dumb but a little less by virtue of having "World Cup" actually mean World participation (see "World Series", or rather don't it's dumb and worse, boring) and "Football" meaning the ball is guided by the foot more than 95% of the game.

Posted by: isaac at April 14, 2005 10:47 AM

go pound salt in your ass.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 14, 2005 11:08 AM

RE: I agree, soccer is dumb. They keep moving, always running, never stopping for time outs or long periods where the camera can rest on some nutball manager chewing or adjusting his genitals.

Yes, it's called a marathon. And everybody loves to watch one of those.

Isaac-If the rest of the world jumped off a bridge would you?

I guess our disdain for soccer is what makes us #1 buddy. #1!

Ray Liotta and Kurt Russel should stand as a warning to us all as far as escaping is concerned.

Posted by: rich at April 14, 2005 11:36 AM

and continuing Star Wars Geeks vs Sports Geeks...The daily newspapers don't have a Star Wars section for all the mind-numbing details.

If the rest of the world jumped off a bridge, would I? Rich, you know I don't like crowds.

Posted by: isaac at April 14, 2005 12:17 PM


Posted by: friend jessica at April 14, 2005 1:00 PM

You are a crowd of one.*

*This post brought to you by the U.S. Army.

Posted by: rich at April 14, 2005 1:34 PM

Wait, your colonies are Iraq and Afghanistan. We failed to conquer both of them but you succeeded nicely, or you probably will one day.

Posted by: isaac at April 14, 2005 1:41 PM

When it comes down to it, an American is just a successful Brit.

Spotted dick.

Posted by: rich at April 14, 2005 1:48 PM


or rather


Posted by: friend jessica at April 14, 2005 1:54 PM

April 12, 2005

Mystery Quote

Who do you suppose said this?

When your opponent sets up a straw man, set it on fire and kick the cinders around the stage. Don’t worry about losing the Strawperson-American community vote.

I'll tell you, but please cinch up your Irony-Helmet pretty tight, because it could make your head explode:

That was said by Mr. Straw Man himself, James Lileks. Strong words from a man that uses the technique so much he probably has a FLAMMABLE warning on his word processor.

This is a great definition of the straw man argument, but since it comes from the site that uses Lileks' quote as a lead-in, I'm guessing they haven't read him much in the last two years or so:

"Straw man" is one of the best-named fallacies, because it is memorable and vividly illustrates the nature of the fallacy. Imagine a fight in which one of the combatants sets up a man of straw, attacks it, then proclaims victory. All the while, the real opponent stands by untouched.

Posted by Chris on 04/12/05


Posted by: friend jessica at April 14, 2005 10:17 AM

Honest Question to Swimmers

How much extra speed does the no-hair-at-all thing give you? Really.

You guys must really just ZIP through that water or whatever sport it is. I'm trying to think what could thrill me enough to make me utterly remove all hair, even eyebrows, and I'm coming up blank. And I'm not a vain man. Whatever the thing would be, it would have to really make me tingly all the time, plus significantly increase my speed.

It also just seems like an awful lot of shaving all the time, or is there a cream you use? Has a laser made it permanent? And I'm assuming swimming is what these hairless folks are up to, and not bicycling, or soccer hooliganism, or Neo-Nazism. I thought bicyclists just did the legs.

Posted by Chris on 04/12/05

I don't know how much it helps, but in a world where .1111 of a second makes a difference, why take a chance when the guy next to you is totally hairless? That's why they have the full body suits now, so only the head need be shaved.

Posted by: friend jessica at April 14, 2005 8:08 AM

Random Facts About Me, 2nd Edition

  • I believe I emit a kind of electrical field that sometimes causes street lights to go off when I pass by. I once met a girl who said she had the same thing, but apart from her, people look at me like I'm crazy when I admit this. For that reason when it happens I just keep it to myself, but if you were looking at me at that moment you'd see me nod knowingly. I hope if someone ever studies this disorder they don't name it after me.

  • When I read the word "gesture" I "mentally" pronounce it correctly, but whenever I have to actually say it aloud, I hesitate, because I suddenly can't recall if the g is "soft" or "hard." After a public mispronunciation incident I always "drill" on the correct pronunciation afterwards but then when it comes up again I still hesitate. I attribute this to a "bad sector" in my brain. I once actually tried to substitute the word "semaphore" for "gesture" in conversation but that ended up worse.

  • I think the previous post about iPod One was a bit harsh. It is somewhere between a 'cheap shot' and 'reaching' on the humor scale. I just put it up to keep the blog going, because I hate to see "gaps" in the archive calendar. April 5th is a source of embarrassment to me for this reason, but in my defense I was very busy at work that day.

    Posted by Chris on 04/12/05

    I too suffer from the urge to post daily for the sake of posting daily. I'm actually amazed at how fresh you keep everything on this site. It quickly became one of my favorites. So much so, I added you to my links. (Do I have to get your permission to do that? If so, hey, mind if I put you in my links?) In other words, I don't think you need to worry about it. Let's face it, Bush rarely takes a razzing; it's good for him.

    Posted by: Foley at April 12, 2005 6:13 PM

    I also suffer from a need to comment directly after Foley. It's like, "There's Foley! What can I say that will top ol' Foles? I know, I'll mention poop or politics!"

    Of course, it never comes out so cleanly. The comment, that is. Nevertheless, I take heart in knowing that I can come back another day and try again.

    Posted by: Just Pete at April 13, 2005 7:00 PM
  • Winner of the Unintentional Metaphor Award

    ...and the winner of the Unintentional Metaphor Award for the week is:

    The President's iPod. Dubbed "iPod One," it was given to him as a gift by daughters Jenna and Barbara. According to the NYT (via CNN):

    The MP3 player, which can store up to 10,000 songs, only contains about 250.

    Previous awards by the Unintentional Committee: The Unintentionally Symbolic Award.


    Posted by: Foley at April 12, 2005 12:12 PM

    maybe they're, um.... really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really long songs?

    Posted by: Ranger Dekiion at April 12, 2005 1:00 PM

    I think we have to assume they are. I think the Unintentional Committee is being far too partisan these days. And if there's one thing I can't stand it's an activist Unintentional judge. A time will come when the men responsible for these Awards will answer for their behavior.

    Now, I'm not advocating violence against the judges, but I AM saying, there are those that WOULD feel violence would be necessary. That's all I'm saying here.

    Posted by: Chris at April 12, 2005 1:17 PM

    April 11, 2005

    NBC's brave choice

    This Wednesday, NBC will begin to air "Revelations," a six hour mini-series dealing with an obscure topic that probably no one in America right now thinks about very much, much less has any theories or opinions on, and certainly it's not been explored in any other media, so kudos to the network for having the imagination and foresight to explore it: the End Times.

    A Biblical-themed mini-series! Well, who would have thought of such a thing nowadays? I mean, other than trail-blazing NBC! Talk about original!

    From their site, here is the synopsis:

    COULD THE END OF DAYS BE NEAR? -- From executive producer Gavin Polone ("Panic Room") and writer/creator David Seltzer ("The Omen") comes "Revelations," a six-hour event series starring Bill Pullman ("Independence Day") as Harvard professor Dr. Richard Massey, an astrophysicist who is certain that all worldly events can be explained by Science. In the series premiere, Dr. Massey is dealing with the tragic murder of his 12-year-old daughter by a maniacal murderer, Isaiah Haden (Michael Massee, "24"), who was captured and imprisoned. After a strange course of events, Massey is challenged by a nun, Sister Josepha Montafiore (Natascha McElhone, "Solaris"), who leads him on a journey through the unfamiliar world of faith. Drawn together by personal tragedy, these unlikely partners -- one who worships God and one who worships Science -- are propelled into a deepening mystery, finding evidence that the world, as predicted by The Book of Revelation, has reached The End of Days.

    SPOILER ALERT: I predict that the professor character (who worships only Science) will have his eyes opened for him!

    I also see that on their Revelations page, NBC has put up an insightful poll:

    What will bring about the end of the world?

    1. Spiritual Imbalance
    2. Natural Disasters
    3. Man-made Holocaust

    Quick! Get on there and vote, because it's important that your voice be heard in this matter!

    I can only hope after the show my local NBC affiliate manages to tie this in somehow with my community and how WE feel about the ultimate battle of good and evil, not to mention any "End Times" exclusives they may be sitting on.

    Posted by Chris on 04/11/05

    The end times don't really bother me. We have the number one military in the world, we could just declare a new war on the demonic hoardes of the anti-Christ and democratize them.

    I'm surprised the president didn't make a campaign issue out of how he'll protect America from the Rapture.

    Posted by: isaac at April 12, 2005 7:52 AM

    WE do? Who is "we," mister Brit-man?


    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at April 12, 2005 8:03 AM

    Well, I text-messaged my vote for Natural Disasters, but, to be fair, I've felt they've been pitchy the last couple shows.

    Seacrest, out.

    Posted by: Just Pete at April 12, 2005 8:43 AM

    WE is our tax dollars at work.

    But you make me think: if the majority of a nation is secular (in Britain about 8% worship God, 2% regular church-going) are they exempt from the Rapture?

    Smooches, and raise you a hug!

    Posted by: isaac at April 12, 2005 9:25 AM

    They'll probably have to order it on pay-per-view.

    Posted by: rich at April 12, 2005 12:20 PM

    April 8, 2005

    Life's Top 10 Inventions

    The Top 10 Evolutionary Advances:


    To this list I would just add, "the disposable contact lens." "Frosting" is also up there. And let's not forget, "Rosario Dawson in Sin City."

    And to reduce controversy let me just place after each item in the list, in accordance with His will.

    Posted by Chris on 04/ 8/05

    I like the tapeworm. If I ever found one had taken up residence in my guts I would have to suspend my 'kindness to all God's animals' outlook. I'd use scissors.

    Posted by: isaac at April 11, 2005 9:19 AM

    I've always felt that the evolution of the eye has held me back.

    Posted by: rich at April 11, 2005 9:45 AM

    They're gonna take "the brain" over "The Clapper"?! When's the last time "my brain" turned off the television from across the room? It's been a while, I'll tell you that.

    Posted by: Just Pete at April 11, 2005 1:13 PM

    They should really lengthen the list. Where am I supposed to put things like "vacuum storage bags" or that alarm clock I got from Sharper Image that "plays" different smells? Truly, God is great.

    Posted by: Chris at April 11, 2005 1:58 PM

    And "Death" on the list? Isn't that more like one of the "Oh shit, why did we evolve THAT capability" moments?

    Posted by: Ranger Dekiion at April 12, 2005 12:57 PM

    April 7, 2005

    The Immortal Axl Rose

    Can someone tell me why Axl Rose is on this Rolling Stones cover of the 100 immortal and greatest artists ever?

    I see him next to the likes of Elvis Costello and Eric Clapton and don't know why he'd be there. A printing error? A placeholder image until they find Jimi Hendrix' picture? Is it some kind of compare and contrast thing?

    Posted by Chris on 04/ 7/05

    While we're at it, shouldn't there be some LAW against 50 Cent being 'along side the Beatles' in the record books for having four songs in the top ten at one time?

    That makes me f-ing sick.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 2:26 PM

    That is like the "top grossing films of all time" honor. Once "Home Alone" passed "Jaws," you knew it was a meaningless benchmark. Or at least one that would require so many asterisks and footnotes beside it that it wouldn't matter much anymore.

    Posted by: Chris at April 7, 2005 2:40 PM

    So we agree. Chris: let's be pals.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 2:49 PM

    Remember when a movie cost a nickel?

    It's all about the Benjamins my friends.

    Posted by: Rich at April 8, 2005 7:56 AM

    Yes, but I don't think old men should be allowed to lick and caress the sidewalk.

    Posted by: isaac at April 8, 2005 8:45 AM

    What's really sad is that Rose COULD have been one of the greats, had he not become a diva. Now he's just a burn-out that everyone makes fun of, but he and the rest of the GNR crew were on fire, and I really feel they could have stayed on fire, unlike Warrant, Poison, etc. The fact that most of the original GNR band is hot right now with VR says something, but it also says they have interesting choices in front men, considering Scott W., formerly of STP, is a large part of their success but also the impending reason for their undoing. I hate to buy into most talented people are troubled somehow, but with rock starts, it seems to hold true.

    Posted by: Foley at April 8, 2005 12:37 PM

    Oh crap man, I know you're not breaking bad on WARRANT!


    Posted by: friend jessica at April 8, 2005 1:18 PM

    Actually, it's a funny story...

    Just a typo. It's actually The 100 Greatest Immoral Artists of all time. You know, it's your Axl Roses, your Ken Lays, your Beel­zebubs. Really a pretty appropriate destinction.

    Posted by: Just Pete at April 8, 2005 1:30 PM

    Appetite for Destruction is one of the best albums of all time.

    It's true.

    Posted by: rich at April 8, 2005 2:04 PM

    So is Music for The Masses, but one great album does not a top 100 make.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 8, 2005 2:06 PM

    April 6, 2005

    Star Wars Line Update

    Did I call it or what? The society of the Lost Line is already experiencing division:

    OK, who would have guessed that in the very small group of people who are willing to line up months in advance of a movie to get tickets, in front of a theater where the movie isn't going to be playing, there would be room for cliques and infighting between the popular super nerds and the unpopular super nerds?
    . . .

    OK, so some waiters in line want to keep the line together no matter what theater it's shown at, and other linesters don't give a crap about the line and only care what theater they see it at - and this is shaking the foundation of the line to it's core. TO IT'S CORE!

    What will happen next? Will the entire line move to a different theater? Will the line break up and spread to different theaters? What if there's already a line at the theater they go to? Will they have a street fight to determine who gets to be first? Please?

    Posted by Chris on 04/ 6/05

    This is a situation that calls for TRIUMPH, the insult comic dog.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 6:18 AM

    In all seriousness, I think it's interesting that no matter what the sub-group, no one ever seems to back each other up on anything. In-fighting always occurs, ripping the larger goal to shreds. Whether it be religion, politics, sports teams, organizations of industry, or simple friendships. The Star Wars line is indicative of society as a whole, at least in that regard.

    Posted by: Foley at April 7, 2005 8:43 AM

    I agree Foley

    In a way...isn't SOCIETY lining up for Star Wars forty days in advance?

    Think about it, won't you?

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 9:25 AM

    Note to all sociologists and anthropologists: just spend a few hours in one of these lines, I'm sure there's a thesis in it for you.

    Posted by: Chris at April 7, 2005 10:56 AM

    Stand by for reality show deal in 3...2...

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 11:20 AM

    I'm getting back to this late today owing to a poorly sick computer. I added a post on yesterday's Alderaan thingumy that pretty much owns you geeks in a bitch-colonists way.

    We've come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as waiting in line too long for some things. Brian mentioned not waiting longer than two hours for a two hour film (or game I'm assuming), and this sound fair.

    Would you wait two hours if the film or game was over in four minutes? What about the rollercoaster geeks?!

    Posted by: isaac at April 7, 2005 11:59 AM

    Worse than all the Star Wars and sports geeks are the Star Wars BMWs (bitch, moan, whiners):

    They hated episode 1 ("disappointed" was the shared opinion) and still went to see episode 2. They hated that one too. And, AND they'll still plonk down $10 to see episode 3, and will suredly come out with identical criticisms as the first two.

    It's not exactly hypocrisy, but there must be a term for a mug who hates a film but goes to the sequels like it's damn instinctive or mandatory. Perhaps we can invent one, any suggestions?

    Posted by: isaac at April 7, 2005 12:11 PM

    Oh crap. Now I'm owned. I waited in line 2 and a half hours in 90 degree weather for a rollercoaster ride that was 20 seconds long.

    I also waited an hour and a half for Return of the King

    Does tailgating before a game count? Because it shouldn't, since it's more of a pre-party and you don't stand in a line.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 12:12 PM

    Does tailgating count?

    If some Trekkies pulled up in their Enterprise-themed van and started eating sandwiches out of a cooler before the next Star Trek movie, all the while talking Star Trek and perhaps some of them were dressed as Vulcans, would THAT count?

    Posted by: Chris at April 7, 2005 12:37 PM

    Is there beer involved?

    Posted by: Rich at April 7, 2005 1:07 PM



    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 1:10 PM

    As usual, dinosaur comics sums it up today.


    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 1:19 PM

    I wonder if anyone stood in line for The Passion of the Christ?

    What if the people in line for the Passion of the Christ all believe in Christ, but eventually splinter off into separate groups with generally the same beliefs, but still can't really get along?


    Posted by: rich at April 7, 2005 1:22 PM

    Good point, and also good subject-verb agreement.

    Posted by: Chris at April 7, 2005 1:37 PM

    The Lost Line of Alderaan

    They've started lining up for "Revenge of the Sith" at the Chinese theatre, more than a month away from the film's release. Unfortunately, the movie is not going to be playing there - it's going to be at the Arclight, a few blocks over.

    Star Wars Line Update

    But instead of moving the line, they've decided to petition for the film to be moved to the Grauman's Chinese where they are. Amazingly, there is much negotiation going back and forth between Line, Grauman's, the Arclight, and I think there is a blog dedicated to it.

    Will the mountain come to Mohammed? Stay tuned. I assume we'll see the documentary in a year or so.

    As not only a big Star Wars fan but also the patron saint of Not Having the Right Information, I feel only sympathy for these people. I've never waited for more than a month in line, but I did spend the night once on the sidewalk for Rolling Stones tickets, and I vividly remember the weird sort of Lord of the Flies community that spontaneously sprang up. We had Line organizers, Line enforcers, and Line representatives to communicate our views to the outside world.

    At minimum, your perception of reality can become a little skewed. Best wishes to the Lost Line for the arduous month to come.

    Posted by Chris on 04/ 6/05

    Do. These. People. Have. Jobs.

    That is my eternal question when I see them lining up a month in advance. Hey, if I could get a month off of work, I'd go see part of the world or some such shit...who ARE these people?

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 8:44 AM

    I may disappear a la Karen Silkwood for saying this, but "What the f*** is wrong w/ you people?" It is nice to be a fan of things and to really give it your all in the love of your favorites, but c'mon. You are all losers, and you are the reason that nerds such as myself are made fun of. I am fanatical about many things, but I would never go to this great a length. I guess when you have no job and your parents are stupid enough to support you and your wacky behavior, then take advantage of it. You stinkin' morons. Follow Jessica to Italy for her month long trip, I will, hmmmm.

    Posted by: klugula at April 6, 2005 9:13 AM

    Oh dear. I cannot countenance such a view. You will, in fact, be disappeared for your comments.

    If you took all the fanaticism from all "Star Wars" ticket lines ever, from 1977 to the present, around the world, and multiplied it by 12, you'd still not equal the fervor we see over one season of football here.

    You also don't hear many people wondering Do These People Have Jobs on Opening Day of baseball.

    :: reopening ancient argument ::

    Posted by: Chris at April 6, 2005 9:24 AM

    Chris, the Force is strong with you . . .

    Posted by: Foley at April 6, 2005 9:27 AM

    Allow me to add the nutty sports fans to my earlier comment. **add** There, the world is balanced again.

    Posted by: klugula at April 6, 2005 9:33 AM

    THere's a very very large difference, jagoff, between taking ONE day off of work to go to a sporting event and TAKING MORE THAN A MONTH OFF TO DRESS UP IN COSTUME AND STEW IN YOUR OWN FILTH AND SICK ON THE SIDEWALK.

    Tell me you see the f-ing difference chris! SAY IT!

    I took off school to see Depeche Mode. I took off work to go see Rammstein, I took off work to go see the cubs..I took off work because I was hungover from a Bears game...but never has one of my 'avocations' lead me to take more than two days off of my 'vocation'.


    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 9:44 AM

    The Lord suuuure didn't like that.

    Posted by: klugula at April 6, 2005 9:52 AM

    The lord is agog at my l33t debate skilz

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 9:55 AM

    The multiple Darth Mauls and Yodas waiting outside theatres this month may win the battle, but sports fans win the war - many times over, without a doubt.

    I used to be excited to see movies opening day, but my fan life has gotten so much better since I gave that up. I'm also not a fan of midnight showings.

    Posted by: Chris at April 6, 2005 10:22 AM

    my enjoyment of opening day movies was sullied forever by the horror that was Matrix Reloaded.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 11:16 AM

    I'll be over here in the goat herd, waiting for you to present a single credible citation of sports fans living outside a venue for 30 days.

    Then we'll discuss the war and who's winning it.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 11:25 AM

    Do they have to be 30 consecutive days? Or can I add up all the days and nights sports fans have camped out in the parking lot the night before the Big Game since '77?

    And since we're comparing fanatics, when will we start looking at the Dumpsters Set on Fire and Cars Tipped Over After The Home Team Wins or Loses stats for each group? That seems relevant.

    I'm also trying to remember if that was George Lucas I saw on the local TV station a few years ago calling for fans to please celebrate respectfully and non-violently after the movie ended. Hmm. Oh wait! That was Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson before the Bulls championship game.

    I'll agree Star Wars fans can go cuckoo bananas, but you hardly ever hear about SWAT teams called in with rubber bullets to break them up after the movie.

    OH IT HAPPENS - but rarely.

    Posted by: Chris at April 6, 2005 11:45 AM

    As you know, I'm in a delicate physical condition and can no longer argue with you.

    But let me bring up a group that we can both agree on: The Source Awards Audience.

    Also, didn't people get killed going to see movies like Colors and Boyz in the Hood? Or were they playing sports at the time?

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 11:50 AM

    Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the Dark Side. I sense much fear on this topic . . .

    Posted by: Foley at April 6, 2005 12:08 PM

    people have tried to figure out the conflict in the Middle East and failed.

    What fate awaits those trying to figure out Jessica's Sports Fans vs. Chris' Movie Nerds?

    The saddest part of all? I love movies. I LOVE STARWARS MOVIES. Can I not love sports AND MOVIES?

    I've called in reinforcements to help me in this battle, but they probably fear to tread on these long acrid grounds.

    Chris, did we do a point counterpoint on this? Or was it an IM?

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 12:14 PM

    After the awful dialogue from the last Star Wars, George Lucas should have been set on fire, and tipped over. Does he have to write these or can we just say, "Good idea, now move away from the script."

    I think Bill Maher said it best last night. No kid shoots up his high school because he's getting laid all the time. It's always the Star Wars/Doom fan shooting up the high school because he can't play sports or get laid. Maybe in some alternate universe it's cool to have a 34 hit level and be able to discuss the whether Greedo should have shot first, but not in this universe baby!

    Posted by: Rich at April 6, 2005 12:15 PM

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~!!!


    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at April 6, 2005 12:18 PM

    Please ignore the extra "the". When I get excited I throw in an extra "the".

    Posted by: Rich at April 6, 2005 12:20 PM

    I do believe that this FILM MAKER says it all for us.



    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at April 6, 2005 12:20 PM

    The smartest men of all have spoken.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 12:27 PM

    The movie you link to does not load for me, therefore your point is invalid.

    Posted by: Chris at April 6, 2005 2:11 PM



    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 2:22 PM

    Well...both sides are geeks. One side might spends too much time in (or on) line talking geek bollocks and the other spends too many Sundays on the couch expanding their beer waistlines. Neither are getting enough sex.

    I have to agree: the month in line is silly even though some do it for charity (can't they do something that involves actual work for charity?). On the other hand, I sat next to a couple on the train a few years back, when it looked like the Cubs were on their way to the world series, and they were talking about spending tens of thousands to get tickets. Hmmm...Buy a car? Put a down payment on a house? No, let's buy tickets to a game we can see on TV? Either way: a month in line, away from work, or blowing several month's earnings on tickets to one game are both symptons of overgeekiness.

    Final score: nil/nil (although sports geeks get media approval instead of their deserved share of derision - remember the death threats against fellow fan Bartman?)

    Posted by: isaac at April 6, 2005 2:34 PM

    As usual, isaac brings his solomon like wisdom to the debate.

    I'll translate his text for Chris:

    "send Jessica some goats"

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 2:42 PM

    but Chris takes a goat back...

    Fantasy Baseball (football, basketball, etc.) is the sport geek equivalent of discussing Greedo shooting first. Neither are cool in this universe baby!

    Bill Maher is usually right but not in this case. Would a Star Wars geek really shoot up a school and miss the final episode? Doom, other video games and fantasy fandom (otaku culture) are wildly popular in Japan, more so than here, but kids don't shoot up schools there.

    Instead we should blame gun geeks. It's the one area where my views on police profiling are far below liberal. You never hear about kids who hate guns shooting up their school.

    Posted by: isaac at April 6, 2005 3:37 PM

    they kill everyone softly...

    with their song.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 6, 2005 5:09 PM

    Nope... Can't blame the gun geeks either. There are millions of gun owners (I, being one) who have never shot up a school and don't plan to.

    I am very much looking forward to the next Star Wars installment, but I will not wait in line more than 2 hours to see it on opening day.

    And just as a side note here... I've never waited in line for tickets to a sporting event even HALF as long as I've waited for a film to begin. Plus... there's beer at sporting events. Most movie theatres don't have that as an option.

    And I would NEVER pay thousands of dollars for a ticket to any movie or ANY sporting event.

    What we're dealing with here is simple.... WANNABES!!! People who wish they were good enough to play the sport, and people who wish they had lightsabres.

    And sure... movie fans don't set fires and turn over cars after a really good film, but they sure do an AWFUL number to messageboards and blogs.

    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at April 7, 2005 6:33 AM


    Thank you boy. I knew I loved you for a reason. You just totally schooled everyone.


    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 7:24 AM

    Fantasy sports is totally cool!

    But I think we should play Fantasy Transplanted Brits.

    I have first pick.

    I take Simon named isaac.

    Posted by: rich at April 7, 2005 8:17 AM

    Damn it! I totally blew the noun-verb agreement.

    Now the nouns have no choice but to attack!


    Posted by: rich at April 7, 2005 8:20 AM

    Plus, I believe that THIS completely negates Isaac's point about Fantasy Sports players.



    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at April 7, 2005 9:36 AM

    Yes, say more things about fantasy sports teams. Every time you do it makes me feel better about wearing fake Hobbit ears to the Lord of the Rings movies.

    'Movie fans don't set fires but they sure do an awful number to blogs?' THAT'S owning me? I had no idea I was so cheap.

    Posted by: Chris at April 7, 2005 9:41 AM

    No, owning you was alerting you to the fact that there are plenty of sports fans who think spending thousands of bucks on tickets or waiting in line for them is idiotic.

    You'll never see me outside wrigley field in February waiting to win the ticket lottery.

    And I also find Fantasy Sports to be far different from, say living a SCA lifestyle. Fantasy sports players don't actually dress up as sportsmen and replay or re-enact games...it's basically manipulating statistics for money...no costumes or elven names required.


    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 9:45 AM

    Hmmm. Yeah, I'm still not sure that's "owning." Maybe a very short rental? No, not that either.

    You may not personally have tipped a dumpster after your team won, but speaking on behalf of all stadium-adjacent home and small business owners everywhere - I still prefer the Star Wars guys' brand of madness.

    Posted by: Chris at April 7, 2005 11:04 AM

    I'd rather teach my kid about baseball than teach him to speak nothing but klingon.

    Your call.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 11:18 AM

    James? James Lileks? Is that you? Proprietor of the well-used "There Are Only Two Options" method?

    I'm so honored to have you on my site! I'm such a fan of the Institute of Good Cheer!

    Posted by: Chris at April 7, 2005 11:25 AM

    :: singing songs with gnat::

    :: whittling::

    You were simply expressing which you'd RATHER of the two groups. Based on my example..I'd RATHER the sports fan.

    Although, as I've said many dozens of times: I am a huge fan of both milieus

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 11:40 AM

    Fantasy sports is totally cool...to sports geeks.

    I didn't say blame gun owners, I said blame gun geeks (the gun show crowds). Gun ownership isn't the problem, the discussion is about people who take their passion to heights of geekdom.

    I was afraid someone would spin the Fantasy Sports money-making angle as legitimizing the geekiness out of it. Still geeks, profit or not. I'm sure a lot of those Magick Card Tournament winners get money out of it too. Still geeks.

    Yes, they serve beer at sports (and many people have a wager going) but how boring is it that you need these to spice it up?

    And dressing up in a jedi robe or hobbit ears is as geeky as dressing up in a football jersey or helmet when you don't play. I see plenty of Cubs geeks in my neighborhood in their geek attire.

    What we have is the Star Wars geeks who begrudgingly admit they're geeks and the sports geeks still in denial. I think the sports geeks are winning the geek war just on their inability to face geek reality.

    Posted by: isaac at April 7, 2005 11:52 AM

    isaac owns every one of us by exposing the gritty truth.

    Posted by: friend jessica at April 7, 2005 11:57 AM

    That's why I picked him for my fantasy Brit league.

    Posted by: rich at April 7, 2005 1:16 PM

    April 4, 2005

    Two Tales of "Reply To All" Horror

    The Case of the Unfinished Email

    If I am about to compose a lengthy reply to an email, especially one that needs to be super-professional, I have learned that it is best to first clear the TO: field until I am through writing.

    This is because if I just click "reply," then the mouse will then be hovering over the "send" button of the new message as I compose, and one errant tap will send it away prematurely - which happened to me last week with an email to several people in the company, including my supervisor and several team leads that don't know me very well.

    It was a fairly important matter and would be the kind of email that would be referred to throughout the life of an endeavor. As such I was composing it very carefully.

    As always when I write something with care, there are a number of false starts, some false endings, and I usually have a little ongoing list at the bottom that has ideas I want to remember to include. But I keep all that stuff in the body of the email until it's been absorbed or replaced. Spell-checking of course comes at the end.

    So at some point I tapped the touchpad one too many times during this careful crafting, and away went my unfinished email to all concerned, complete with half sentences, lists, about four different openings, some light-hearted side comments I was experimenting with, and basically about a page of gibberish.

    They must have thought I was having a Tourette's moment.

    Rather than try to "recall" the email, which is another way of ensuring that people will absolutely read it to see what you got wrong, I quickly revised and sent it along. To this day no one has brought it up.

    The Case of the Undiscovered Indiscretion

    I don't know about your job, but here, the expense reimbursement procedure is a very specific, orderly, laid-out, and a not at all speedy process to go through. Generally you can count on at least a month of lag time between submitting and that deposit showing up.

    In addition to this, our online system for submitting receipts seems to contain at least two ways I can think of to basically discourage you from seeking reimbursement. It is also infamous for losing large amounts of data if things are not submitted in a certain way.

    So I had been on a business trip and there had been questions about my lodging receipts. Even though I was within my daily limits, apparently it occurred to Accounts Payable that since my restaurant receipts did not explicitly state otherwise, I was probably drinking $25 worth of alcohol every night instead of using it to buy meals.

    But rather than request clarification for certain receipts and let the other part of the bill - over a thousand dollars in hotel room fees that I'd charged to my Amex - go through, the entire thing was rejected.

    I then had to enter the complexity of the online system to retrieve the whole thing and start again, INCLUDING re-submitting all the receipts. Even though they already had the originals. And I'd have to call the hotel in Chicago and have them faxed to me.

    Then came an email from Accounts Payable to about 100 employees, including the heads of all departments, stating that, due to some sort of database error, we would need to resubmit expenses that had previously been approved.

    I was livid. At this point we were over two months since my original submission, and I was now going to have to get in line with everyone else and wait months more - not just for this mega hotel thing, but also for stuff that had already been approved.

    As I often do in these circumstances, I vented to Friend Thomas, forwarding the email we'd all been sent to him with my own heated editorial added in.

    I do not recall the content of my ventilation. Suffice to say, the substance was that I hoped this was not the kind of service we were giving our external clients. I think I indicated that I was working on a world record for the time elapsed between expense and reimbursement. I may have said something about turning the reimbursement procedure into a drinking game - every time you get a delay, DRINK. I very definitely questioned the competence of the Accounts Payable team.

    I sent him the email. One minute later, Friend Thomas called me. He seemed worried. "Dude - did you mean to reply to all in that email?!?!" he asked.

    I went cold. I went pale. It felt like all the blood had drained out of my body. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead. I became nauseous. Oh... my... God.

    All those things I'd said... comments written in the heat of anger... my sarcasm turned to full blast... I HADN'T FORWARDED IT, I'D HIT REPLY ALL.


    Hands shaking, I went into my Sent Items folder. I had to see how bad it had been. Had I really said all those things? Were that many people on the original TO: list? I checked the email with dread.

    And Friend Thomas was the only name there.

    The bastard had pranked me.

    I'd never been gotten so good. It took me about a week to forgive him.

    Posted by Chris on 04/ 4/05

    That second is the most horrifying tale I have ever heard. Honestly. I don't recall that I have ever had something that awful happen to me. Knock on wood. Thank God it was only a prank. My sympathies.

    Posted by: klugula at April 4, 2005 3:42 PM

    Friend Thomas is an evil genius of Lex Luther potential. I would have made a mess in the old shorts if I thought that had happened to me. Just think if you'd sent a reply all apologizing for the infraction before you realized it was a prank?

    Posted by: Foley at April 5, 2005 9:00 AM

    Of course, you have to realize that friend Thomas speaks from bitter experience. He has personally racked up a couple of choice incidents where he actually did a "reply all" w/ some rather biting (but thankfully brief) commentary.

    These scenes are fondly remembered.

    Posted by: Jeff at April 5, 2005 11:05 AM

    I personally enjoy it tremendously when a more, well, let's just say "senior ranking" type fires off something really brain-dead, and then tries to beg, plead, and sometimes even threaten me into going into someone's mailbox and deleting things. They are politely informed that we will gladly do that, they just need to show written approval from our human resources or legal staff saying that we're "in the clear" to do that, since, after all, we tread on shaky ground when you start mucking around in mailboxes you don't own. A brief chat about ethics and responsible behavior by the admins with god-like powers over various systems almost always sends them away, muttering to the effect of "rules and policies should apply to everyone but me, *I* am special"... but they generally drop it... :) And no, it's not me trying to be mean, it's me co vering my own butt by enforcing a policy uniformly to prevent any abuse of the systems I run. As Uncle Ben said, with Great Power comes Great Responsibility. Wheee!

    Posted by: Ranger Dekiion at April 12, 2005 12:39 PM

    A post from and inspired by the film

    A random thought:

    I really like the Spiderman movies but is there a more compiled-by-the-parent-corporation set of soundtracks in existence?

    Let's get real and label these songs not just "from and inspired by" the film but also "selected by marketing execs of."

    Posted by Chris on 04/ 4/05

    Welcome to the Comments Casino

    I had to take down the "All Comments" link because it was basically a portal to the dark and seedy world of online gambling, incest, and Christian debt management that any comments section becomes.

    I've set up the filter to remove any comments with references to Texas Holdem or casinos, so if you have a legitimate statement about any of those topics, please use the following code words:

    Texas Holdem: Red State Devil Game
    Casino: Den of Iniquity

    Posted by Chris on 04/ 4/05

    Addendum to Horn Usage Guidelines

    A Polite Tap is not polite if it comes a mere .03 nanoseconds after the light has changed.

    Sorry if you're one of those caffeine people that prefers things at a slightly faster pace. But I'm trying to get to work, not qualify at Le Mans.

    My suggestion if you prefer instantaneous travel from point A to point B is to move it up to the astral plane. Because down here in the terrestrial world we need time for the green-colored photons to make their way from traffic signal to retina, and then crawl up the optic nerve to the GO center of the brain.

    Posted by Chris on 04/ 4/05