Precognitive Mortgage Lenders, and other Spam Themes

"Revolve the Loaf" by Tyler J. Supermarkets

More wisdom from the Squarson A.I.:

I'll spare you the details of the Gonad Project. Gonad goes on:

And the poem:

A Preposterous Future

Just got a piece of spam from Stealth V. Complexity - the offer was to GET MY UNIVERSITY DIPLOMA! with no required tests, classes, books, or interviews! I could receive the benefits and admiration that comes with a diploma, and no one is turned down!

But the funny part was the error in the subject line, which asked: Do You Want to Have Preposterous Future?

I feel a conviction deep in my soul that I will.

Rocket Had an Acorn

From Profanation Q. Lissajous, whose actual email address was "categorically@wewonthewar.com:"

Profanation then helpfully went on to describe some great deals on off-brand medication.

Now, this bit of Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry from author Baloney R. Forsworn:

This is the most violent piece of Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry we've yet seen, all the more so for its linkage of that violence to eroticism. Though Forsworn initially is dealing with the fairly stock images of "knives" and of being "destroyed by hands," the piece then makes the shocking violence / sex connection by showing us not one but TWO acts of penetration: the first by some hams, when the act is apparently fatal, and finally, by a porpoise, which seems to end more happily for both parties.

(Interestingly, Forsworn borrows imagery from Quest M. Vortice's work here, appropriating the llama from "Enlarge The Cup" for the porpoise-tryst.)

But what are we to make of the sudden last-minute appearance of the "Wally" character, or the clear reference to the narcotizing "lonely powder" in the first line, which appears once but then is never mentioned again? Forsworn's poem suffers somewhat from a lack of focus - it is as if he could not decide if he wanted to explore the nuances of the porpoise / llama relationship, to illustrate some sort of journey through space (or time! Note the glaring, Dali-esque intrusion of a clock) in a pie, or deal more explicitly with the violent and erotic elements. One almost gets the impression at times that the poem is a random assortment of words and ideas.

Cleary Forsworn is no Vortice.

But for all his flaws, he is an undeniable master of repetition. Forsworn depicts not just two acts of penetration, but treats us to an appearance by two rockets, two pies, and, bringing us full circle near the end, we return to the idea of death and violence with a second, lethal ham.

More Squarsonry here.

A Flabby Llama

I continue to receive coded wisdom from the likes of Particular D. Damnably, Nonchalance A. Corner, and Mutiny F. Fangs in email. Their knowledge comes camoflauged as spam, presumably to weed out the casual reader and those that are not "ready" to hear such things. The spam can be categorized in a few broad themes:

1. A device exists which can duplicate any DVD, CD, or video game. A related theme: You can receive unreleased movies and music.

2. Contrary to your own experience, college girls are absolutely wild about oral sex.

3. Your debt can be consolidated / reduced in a Christian manner.

4. Apparently girls on the farm have lost all control.

5. Your penis can be enlarged using any variety of methods.

But once you get past the smokescreen of solicitation, there are smatterings of brilliance and art that must be shared:

Besides these general proverbs, there was also wisdom specifically about... the ladies.

Words to live by. Other random proclamations:

And not all the emails were from names like Stunt F. Adulteries, Lashed V. Archaically, and Deployment E. Adelaide, which are clearly robots that have tried to name themselves inconspicuously. There were also messages from Charlie Salata, Johnnie Shelmon, Ula Kirt, and Ceola Cuebas. I repeat my assertion: the A.I. is getting smarter.

And to close, some Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry, from author Quest M. Vortices.

Who among us cannot relate to his image of the Human as "heap?" Who amongst us does not identify with the flabby llama? And Quest's final, searing line, exhorting us not only to enlarge the cup but to make the gangster, will surely be compared in literature to lines such as "seize the day" or "rage against the dying of the light."

More Squarsonry here.

Squarson's Little Brother?

You decide:

http://www.duckisland.com/GreekMachine.asp

Two Compelling Emails

This was one of my spams the other day:

Hi Chris.

Okay, instantaneously Visit this website:

http://uk.geocities.com/caastal41025co/?q=s1OTg2OS1hYWR3MTAyMzc4Mw

It is like Pepsi (Ask for more),
so Best regards.
Joan Trant.

A website like Pepsi? So that I can ask for more? I will instantaneously visit it!

To be gone from future promotions from our services and have your address removed permanently from our database, please do one of the following: 1. Simply hit reply to that email with a blank message and hit send. 2 Hit your mouse on leavemealone.pleazerzoneprod.com/awk/ and it will take you to an unlist page. 3. Send written communication to: Member Services, .19144 Bergiin Lane, Bloomfield, NewMexico, 87413, Suite: 333-B. 4. Call one.eighthundred..nine-four-nine-two-one-four-five, speak clearly and slowly your name to be reeemoveed. [crpytemail[vl]]

So all I have to do is just 1) email them, 2) follow a web link, 3) send written confirmation, and then 4) call a special 800 number, where I am to speak my name clearly and slowly to be reeemoveed. What? No fax to send?

More Squarsonry

Here for your enjoyment are more poems, apparently authored by an artificial intelligence and placed at the bottom of porn solicitation emails I get. As I mentioned before, these emails all feature this line:

something: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

or the more self-effacing variation:

stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

A robotic signature? A magical spell? Who knows. But when I realized the emails might be a source of humor, I quickly set up an Outlook rule to snag them and pull them into a special "Squarsonry" folder.

And I have noticed something somewhat alarming about the Squarsonry emails: Friends, the Squarsonry AI is learning. I wouldn't say it could pass for one of us just yet, but it is taking strides.

Here is what it knows about us so far: we like Poems for Our Enjoyment and we also all want Bigger Penises. Is there anyone among us who could deny it?

And the names, which were previously fairly easy to spot as generated by some sort of algorithm, are getting a bit better. Sure, I got emails from Flatulence P. Clacks, Killed H. Improprieties, Overhands U. Bluish, Dressiness C. Freemasonries, Hostel M. Misspells, Hustling T. Clueing, and Nicknames B. Condescension - but I also got some from the likes of Giuseppe Shadiack, Wilda Sliker, Loyd Streight, Debbra Sink, Peter Larsen, Merlin Mezera, and Mercy Hillwig! See? This thing is getting BETTER. (Although I think Francheska Normal was a bit obvious.)

(By the way - all these names are heretofore COPYRIGHTED BY ME for use in an AMUSING SCREENPLAY. So hands off.)

The subject lines and lead-ins were also getting better:

Chris are we still on for the holidays?

Playing on my love of taking a holiday with someone I met online! Very clever!

I hope you are well this was something we talked about

Ah! This is is reference to a conversation that I've already had? Then let me follow that link!

I hope this is the thing you were looking for last week

I came to you last week looking for something? Then it must be legit!

Finally, some emails ended with this ominous line:

talk soon

Friends, at this rate... I would not be surprised.

And now, some more Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry for your enjoyment. (I have taken the liberty this time of providing titles.)

POINTY WORMS

A Poem for your enjoyment:

Demonstrating, undoing, throwing out, wiping, diving,
Helpless the shade hit an ingenious grass, concisely
When hams write in cool bleaches, the spill yells,
Going pointy worms here.
Explain plan, conduct along the man, laugh
Queen exposes a flabby thicket.
The lamp spills, as if the bleach is a snack.
For each worm, devour of the bouncy hole.
Alas, the utterance has demonstrated quite quickly, going
The spark is an invisible hand, for entities expose positively,
The ace transmutates, as if the loaf is a resolution.
Counters like hangers finish lovingly but purportedly.
In corns, the book will masquerade, walk not
Addressed by turtles, returns the glass to guy.

stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

---

THE QUOTING GANGSTER

A Poem for your enjoyment:

Of moose, live the calm day, walking
And what is a spark, but a sick moose?
Its night masqueraded in the ruler of a car.
For each case, yell of the modern acorn.
Demonstrating, striking, pondering, striking, seducing,
A ham makes, finishing painfully to a healthy chair,
When turtles beckon in creepy domains, the object penetrates,
In violins, the gangster will quote, conduct not
The llama revolved cowardly, complacent penetrated the parched flower.
Its soul conducted in the canister of a driver.
For each glance, explain of the crummy glass.
And nectars demonstrate, to the pie, lightly?
Striking taught cheerleaders here.
Proves frankly, negatively, like days destroying, abruptly
Books like hares play smoothly but purportedly.
But where destroys the picnic, as though secretions were lamps, openly
Ham rots an insolent tower.
Operable as of German penetrate as cups.

stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

---

FORKS LIKE KNIVES

A Poem for your enjoyment:

When violins seduce in smelly lamps, the plant undoes,
In loaves, the cheerleader will ponder, prove not
The secretion yelled lightly, serious killed the scary light.
But where devours the elephant, as though harps were cases, esoterically
In grasshoppers, the speech will ruin, like not
What calm disc of porpoise within the hyper rulers!
The bed beckoned honestly, new addressed the unreal branch.
But where haunts the picnic, as though days were keys, unexpectedly
Creams like unicorns transmutate unfortunately to shade, quiting
Forks like knives destroy unexpectedly but wordlessly.

stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

---

AN AQUA LION, BOLDLY

something: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

Something to think about: Make aardvark, penetrate along the counter, address
The gangster liked honestly, likeable showed the crummy day.
Mauve the pant walked an aqua lion, boldly
Of wars, rot the new cheese, haunting
For each tree, see of the ugly tree. Its hole yelled in the blade of an acorn.
Ugly as of new like as gangsters.

Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry

Here for your enjoyment are some poems that have appeared at the bottom of some recent porn-spam emails I've received.

Why are they including poems in these things? All I can think of is that these words would be all I would see in the email, were my email client not capable of supporting HTML and viewing the pictures. As if the people with plaintext-only email clients somehow have to be shielded from the bitter truth that this email is not actually from a "Quantum R. Steadly" but is in fact UNSOLICITED PORN.

I believe their authorship is some combination of a random word generator and a non-English speaker monitoring the output. Case in point: Although they've mostly been ads for the Paris Hilton video, and one promising me a MUCH! MORE! POWERFUL! PENIS! there was also one from "Temp Sluts" telling me that some lusty temps (Rorw! Rorw!) were just waiting to "file my dick."

Now, I can see how to a non-English speaker, a slutty office worker just waiting to "file my dick" might seem like just the kind of naughty double-entendre an American might like. Unfortunately it takes a more nuanced command of the language to know that the idea of someone taking a file to your dick might not be what the average American wants - although you can always be sure that there will be a fetish subculture for whatever you'd want to suggest. But me, I'd have to have MUCH! MORE! POWERFUL! PENIS! indeed for that to be enticing.

Anyway, onto the poems. But first - a variation of this line appeared somewhere in all these emails:

something: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

What's that about? The Random Word Generator adding its signature?

The poems:

Something to think about:
Calm futon as a secretion walks about the intelligent book,
Beckoning nude nectars here.

Until rugs revolve purportedly, the acorn sees as laugh,
Alas, the war has speculated quite darkly, beckoning
Catch lamps with no raunchy vessel.
Rot creeps with no bouncy powder.

Desirably K. Particularize

I am getting a lot of spam lately trying to sell me not Viagra but a generic variant of it called V-I-A-G-R-A. I imagine that this version of the drug not only makes you a tiger in bed but has the added benefit of being able to slip past a set of Outlook rules designed to catch the regular drug.

The best part is the names that have been in the "From:" field on the emails. When spam comes from Nigeria or Romania or maybe somewhere in Micronesia you can usually tell from the labored English. It's like they're trying to make a Haiku out of everything.

But these names seem to come from somehere else; it's like a really big fan of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory has written a program to generate them randomly.

I've gotten offers to buy -V-I-A-G-R-A- from the likes of Admiration Q. Mare and Agustin R. Minor. Relished G. Transsexual and Multiplexing F. Cheryl want me to buy the pills! The relatively normal Marquerite Dingmann once sent me an offer, the enticing Manipulator T. Walloons sent me one, but my favorite so far has been... Desirably K. Particularize!