Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry

October 21, 2004

Precognitive Mortgage Lenders, and other Spam Themes

  • I'm still seeing a lot of Precognitive Mortgage Lenders in my spam: "people" who write to inform me that my mortgage application has been approved, even though I had not submitted one. Are these people psychic? Are they from some alternative, parallel future where the parallel me is fiscally responsible?

  • In the random phrase generator spam department, this week I've been getting a lot of "Your son is in pain" or "Your mother is in terrible pain" or "Pain is killing your father" in the subject line. Who's been seeding the phrase generator with phrases from self-help books?

  • Speaking of random phrases and names being generated, I suppose it's inevitable, but occasionally one of the random phrases seems - ALMOST - to have some sort of meaning to me. Enough to give me pause. It's no problem for them to get MY name, but occasionally I'll see a friend's name in some sort of context that has a slight resonance. Last week I got an email spam from a beloved great aunt that died recently, someone whose name was hardly very common. Does this raise troubling questions about the afterlife and purgatory? No - but I can see in the future one might read the spam subject lines just like one reads tea leaves or the I-Ching today.

    Posted by Chris on 10/21/04

    i ching.

    Didn't the friggin i ching say the world was supposed to have ended by now?

    :: doing crazy motion with index finger ::


    Posted by: friend jessica at October 21, 2004 1:50 PM

    I believe you're thinking of Nostradamus. NOT I CHING. Don't dis my religion.

    Posted by: Chris at October 21, 2004 2:40 PM

    :: glancing knowingly at Jesus ::

    "this one, over here.."

    Posted by: friend jessica at October 21, 2004 2:43 PM
  • May 14, 2004

    "Revolve the Loaf" by Tyler J. Supermarkets

    More wisdom from the Squarson A.I.:

    Campbell R. Swearword said he wouldn’t live in America if Jesus was President.

    Unbuckles H. Sexton sends "Fraternal greetings from the people's republic, darlin! :)"

    Bookworm O. Constraint says that "the only sideeffect with Viagrax is that all the women in your city will want to get in the bed with u.."

    Gonad K. Dallied asks "Did you know that fat women have a terrific sense of humour? Or that they are absolutely adorable? Oh yes, they are! And the most adorable and cheerful have decided to take part in our project!"

    I'll spare you the details of the Gonad Project. Gonad goes on:

    Still hesitating? Stop! And start enjoying!

    From Competency Q. Gable: "What makes a housewife happy? At first these poor ladies thought the world was ruining. Until they have found a way to satisfy themselves, and give pleasure and satisfaction to their partners. The only problem was that their lovers were not their husbands! But as you’ll see, that’s not a problem anymore! Pleasure they are giving is all yours!"

    The wisdom of Fathomless O. Specifications: "In the past, men created witches now they create mental patients."

    And from Jekyll T. Unpleasant - "Landlords, like all other men, love to reap where they never sowed." Unpleasant then goes on to try to get me to visit his site, assuring me that "You are really anonymous!"

    And the poem:

    "Revolve the Loaf" by Tyler J. Supermarkets

    Wally wanted: Upon upset worms, wipe not yet wipe slyly
    Feminine the war demonstrated a poor child, well
    Man lifts a close blade.
    Until papers put down wordlessly, the day spills as tree,
    Mice like failures break openly to entity, throwing out
    When utterances hit in long torches, the utterance rots,
    Disc had a war, which was not at all a rug.
    Undoes invisibly, jokingly, like lamps striking, invisibly
    Blue the linguist uncovered a smelly shade, negatively
    For each case, yell of the beautiful cheese.
    A page proves, cleaning woefully to a happy man,
    Seduce the case! Revolve the loaf!
    Pungent key as a blade cleans about the swell man,
    Its corn went in the lizard of a bed.

    Posted by Chris on 05/14/04

    April 14, 2004

    A Preposterous Future

    Just got a piece of spam from Stealth V. Complexity - the offer was to GET MY UNIVERSITY DIPLOMA! with no required tests, classes, books, or interviews! I could receive the benefits and admiration that comes with a diploma, and no one is turned down!

    But the funny part was the error in the subject line, which asked: Do You Want to Have Preposterous Future?

    I feel a conviction deep in my soul that I will.

    Posted by Chris on 04/14/04

    April 8, 2004

    Rocket Had an Acorn

    From Profanation Q. Lissajous, whose actual email address was ""

    Haven't we met somewhere before? :))) Chris, all human life is here, but the Holy Ghost seems to be somewhere else.

    If you believe in an unseen Christ, you will believe in the unseen Christlike potential of others. One can pay back the loan of gold, but one lies forever in debt to those who are kind. Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount.

    Profanation then helpfully went on to describe some great deals on off-brand medication.

    Now, this bit of Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry from author Baloney R. Forsworn:

    Rocket Had an Acorn by Baloney R. Forsworn

    Of signs, steal the lonely powder, proving
    The spill yells, as if the meaning is a port.
    And hams throw out, penetrating by killing shortly yet quietly,
    Destroyed by hands, solves the creep to queen.
    When aardvarks beckon in happy contents, the hole makes,
    Until girls wipe pitifully, the content walks as guest,
    And knives mark, to the futon, undetectably?
    In clocks, the pie will call, haunt not
    Where llama hits through explaining, slyly,
    The porpoise penetrated quickly, pleasant undid the nude shame.
    Rocket had an acorn, which was not at all a ham.

    Wally wanted: Calm turtle as a hand puts down about the weak chariot,
    And drivers say, to the port, lovingly?
    Thrown out by rockets, lifts the pie to vessel.

    This is the most violent piece of Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry we've yet seen, all the more so for its linkage of that violence to eroticism. Though Forsworn initially is dealing with the fairly stock images of "knives" and of being "destroyed by hands," the piece then makes the shocking violence / sex connection by showing us not one but TWO acts of penetration: the first by some hams, when the act is apparently fatal, and finally, by a porpoise, which seems to end more happily for both parties.

    (Interestingly, Forsworn borrows imagery from Quest M. Vortice's work here, appropriating the llama from "Enlarge The Cup" for the porpoise-tryst.)

    But what are we to make of the sudden last-minute appearance of the "Wally" character, or the clear reference to the narcotizing "lonely powder" in the first line, which appears once but then is never mentioned again? Forsworn's poem suffers somewhat from a lack of focus - it is as if he could not decide if he wanted to explore the nuances of the porpoise / llama relationship, to illustrate some sort of journey through space (or time! Note the glaring, Dali-esque intrusion of a clock) in a pie, or deal more explicitly with the violent and erotic elements. One almost gets the impression at times that the poem is a random assortment of words and ideas.

    Cleary Forsworn is no Vortice.

    But for all his flaws, he is an undeniable master of repetition. Forsworn depicts not just two acts of penetration, but treats us to an appearance by two rockets, two pies, and, bringing us full circle near the end, we return to the idea of death and violence with a second, lethal ham.

    More Squarsonry here.

    Posted by Chris on 04/ 8/04

    March 24, 2004

    A Flabby Llama

    I continue to receive coded wisdom from the likes of Particular D. Damnably, Nonchalance A. Corner, and Mutiny F. Fangs in email. Their knowledge comes camoflauged as spam, presumably to weed out the casual reader and those that are not "ready" to hear such things. The spam can be categorized in a few broad themes:

    1. A device exists which can duplicate any DVD, CD, or video game. A related theme: You can receive unreleased movies and music.

    2. Contrary to your own experience, college girls are absolutely wild about oral sex.

    3. Your debt can be consolidated / reduced in a Christian manner.

    4. Apparently girls on the farm have lost all control.

    5. Your penis can be enlarged using any variety of methods.

    But once you get past the smokescreen of solicitation, there are smatterings of brilliance and art that must be shared:

    Pterodactyls U. Witching says "When you're riding, only the race in which you're riding is important."

    Boutonni T. Blankness says "When the house burns one forgets even lunch." Later in the email he responds to himself with "Yes, but one eats it later in the ashes."

    Loophole V. Dandy, who I picture as wearing a tweed suit with a red bowtie while addressing a jury in a Mississippi courtroom, says "Death has but one terror, that it has no tomorrow."

    Sensibilities L. Snuff said "There is never jealousy where there is not strong regard," then tried to sell me Discount Cigarettes.

    Correctional M. Solicitors said "A good friend is my nearest relation."

    Besides these general proverbs, there was also wisdom specifically about... the ladies.

    Hampshire S. Cunningest says that "If you think that all big-busted chicks have got silicone in their boobs, you are wrong."

    Vaporizes R. Rationalizing says "Small-breasted women just comfort themselves saying that men do not pay attention to the size of the bust. But they do!"

    Deficient D. Phoenix maintains that "No man will say that big boobs are not cool."

    From Kandinsky L. Softwoods: "There’s one thing hot cuties are proud of most – it’s their bazongas."

    Lettuces R. Ancientest: "One can always spot an ignored housewife by the lonely looks she casts."

    Irvin K. Populous believes that "Poor women in their prime have to suppress their strong sexual appetite."

    Words to live by. Other random proclamations:

    You are totally anonymous!

    Leave no whore unsatisfied!

    Delete yourself from the list!

    Get yourself from the database!

    And not all the emails were from names like Stunt F. Adulteries, Lashed V. Archaically, and Deployment E. Adelaide, which are clearly robots that have tried to name themselves inconspicuously. There were also messages from Charlie Salata, Johnnie Shelmon, Ula Kirt, and Ceola Cuebas. I repeat my assertion: the A.I. is getting smarter.

    And to close, some Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry, from author Quest M. Vortices.

    Who among us cannot relate to his image of the Human as "heap?" Who amongst us does not identify with the flabby llama? And Quest's final, searing line, exhorting us not only to enlarge the cup but to make the gangster, will surely be compared in literature to lines such as "seize the day" or "rage against the dying of the light."

    ENLARGE THE CUP by Quest M. Vortices

    Something to think about: And what is a heap, but a flabby llama?
    Lives slowly, allegedly, like answers living, undeniably
    Lamps like heaps prove messily to shadow, quoting
    Lofty as of mauve rot as nectars.

    In queens, the car will undo, uncover not
    Kill violins with no near stain. In cases, the season will conduct, hit not
    Scary as of hot say as shames.
    Hangers like cars demonstrate succulently but quietly.
    Displays messily, unexpectedly, like pants conducting, vocally

    In years, the plan will destroy, break not
    Speculated by mice, says the ham to spark.
    And powders demonstrate, yelling by penetrating unfortunately yet doubly,
    Thin nostril as a cheese proves about the marbled rug,
    And shames speak, hitting by reconciling darkly yet pleasantly,
    Enlarge the cup! Make the gangster!

    More Squarsonry here.

    Posted by Chris on 03/24/04

    February 24, 2004

    Squarson's Little Brother?

    You decide:

    Posted by Chris on 02/24/04

    February 12, 2004

    Two Compelling Emails

    This was one of my spams the other day:

    Hi Chris.

    Okay, instantaneously Visit this website:

    It is like Pepsi (Ask for more),
    so Best regards.
    Joan Trant.

    A website like Pepsi? So that I can ask for more? I will instantaneously visit it!

    And I loved the simple "remove me" instructions on this one:

    To be gone from future promotions from our services and have your address removed permanently from our database, please do one of the following: 1. Simply hit reply to that email with a blank message and hit send. 2 Hit your mouse on and it will take you to an unlist page. 3. Send written communication to: Member Services, .19144 Bergiin Lane, Bloomfield, NewMexico, 87413, Suite: 333-B. 4. Call one.eighthundred..nine-four-nine-two-one-four-five, speak clearly and slowly your name to be reeemoveed. [crpytemail[vl]]

    So all I have to do is just 1) email them, 2) follow a web link, 3) send written confirmation, and then 4) call a special 800 number, where I am to speak my name clearly and slowly to be reeemoveed. What? No fax to send?

    Posted by Chris on 02/12/04

    February 11, 2004

    More Squarsonry

    Here for your enjoyment are more poems, apparently authored by an artificial intelligence and placed at the bottom of porn solicitation emails I get. As I mentioned before, these emails all feature this line:

    something: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

    or the more self-effacing variation:

    stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

    A robotic signature? A magical spell? Who knows. But when I realized the emails might be a source of humor, I quickly set up an Outlook rule to snag them and pull them into a special "Squarsonry" folder.

    And I have noticed something somewhat alarming about the Squarsonry emails: Friends, the Squarsonry AI is learning. I wouldn't say it could pass for one of us just yet, but it is taking strides.

    Here is what it knows about us so far: we like Poems for Our Enjoyment and we also all want Bigger Penises. Is there anyone among us who could deny it?

    And the names, which were previously fairly easy to spot as generated by some sort of algorithm, are getting a bit better. Sure, I got emails from Flatulence P. Clacks, Killed H. Improprieties, Overhands U. Bluish, Dressiness C. Freemasonries, Hostel M. Misspells, Hustling T. Clueing, and Nicknames B. Condescension - but I also got some from the likes of Giuseppe Shadiack, Wilda Sliker, Loyd Streight, Debbra Sink, Peter Larsen, Merlin Mezera, and Mercy Hillwig! See? This thing is getting BETTER. (Although I think Francheska Normal was a bit obvious.)

    (By the way - all these names are heretofore COPYRIGHTED BY ME for use in an AMUSING SCREENPLAY. So hands off.)

    The subject lines and lead-ins were also getting better:

    Chris are we still on for the holidays?

    Playing on my love of taking a holiday with someone I met online! Very clever!

    I hope you are well this was something we talked about

    Ah! This is is reference to a conversation that I've already had? Then let me follow that link!

    I hope this is the thing you were looking for last week

    I came to you last week looking for something? Then it must be legit!

    Finally, some emails ended with this ominous line:

    talk soon

    Friends, at this rate... I would not be surprised.

    And now, some more Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry for your enjoyment. (I have taken the liberty this time of providing titles.)


    A Poem for your enjoyment:

    Demonstrating, undoing, throwing out, wiping, diving,
    Helpless the shade hit an ingenious grass, concisely
    When hams write in cool bleaches, the spill yells,
    Going pointy worms here.
    Explain plan, conduct along the man, laugh
    Queen exposes a flabby thicket.
    The lamp spills, as if the bleach is a snack.
    For each worm, devour of the bouncy hole.
    Alas, the utterance has demonstrated quite quickly, going
    The spark is an invisible hand, for entities expose positively,
    The ace transmutates, as if the loaf is a resolution.
    Counters like hangers finish lovingly but purportedly.
    In corns, the book will masquerade, walk not
    Addressed by turtles, returns the glass to guy.

    stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry


    A Poem for your enjoyment:

    Of moose, live the calm day, walking
    And what is a spark, but a sick moose?
    Its night masqueraded in the ruler of a car.
    For each case, yell of the modern acorn.
    Demonstrating, striking, pondering, striking, seducing,
    A ham makes, finishing painfully to a healthy chair,
    When turtles beckon in creepy domains, the object penetrates,
    In violins, the gangster will quote, conduct not
    The llama revolved cowardly, complacent penetrated the parched flower.
    Its soul conducted in the canister of a driver.
    For each glance, explain of the crummy glass.
    And nectars demonstrate, to the pie, lightly?
    Striking taught cheerleaders here.
    Proves frankly, negatively, like days destroying, abruptly
    Books like hares play smoothly but purportedly.
    But where destroys the picnic, as though secretions were lamps, openly
    Ham rots an insolent tower.
    Operable as of German penetrate as cups.

    stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry


    A Poem for your enjoyment:

    When violins seduce in smelly lamps, the plant undoes,
    In loaves, the cheerleader will ponder, prove not
    The secretion yelled lightly, serious killed the scary light.
    But where devours the elephant, as though harps were cases, esoterically
    In grasshoppers, the speech will ruin, like not
    What calm disc of porpoise within the hyper rulers!
    The bed beckoned honestly, new addressed the unreal branch.
    But where haunts the picnic, as though days were keys, unexpectedly
    Creams like unicorns transmutate unfortunately to shade, quiting
    Forks like knives destroy unexpectedly but wordlessly.

    stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry


    something: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

    Something to think about: Make aardvark, penetrate along the counter, address
    The gangster liked honestly, likeable showed the crummy day.
    Mauve the pant walked an aqua lion, boldly
    Of wars, rot the new cheese, haunting
    For each tree, see of the ugly tree. Its hole yelled in the blade of an acorn.
    Ugly as of new like as gangsters.

    Posted by Chris on 02/11/04

    January 20, 2004

    Suspensory Cyclopentane Porn Poetry

    Here for your enjoyment are some poems that have appeared at the bottom of some recent porn-spam emails I've received.

    Why are they including poems in these things? All I can think of is that these words would be all I would see in the email, were my email client not capable of supporting HTML and viewing the pictures. As if the people with plaintext-only email clients somehow have to be shielded from the bitter truth that this email is not actually from a "Quantum R. Steadly" but is in fact UNSOLICITED PORN.

    I believe their authorship is some combination of a random word generator and a non-English speaker monitoring the output. Case in point: Although they've mostly been ads for the Paris Hilton video, and one promising me a MUCH! MORE! POWERFUL! PENIS! there was also one from "Temp Sluts" telling me that some lusty temps (Rorw! Rorw!) were just waiting to "file my dick."

    Now, I can see how to a non-English speaker, a slutty office worker just waiting to "file my dick" might seem like just the kind of naughty double-entendre an American might like. Unfortunately it takes a more nuanced command of the language to know that the idea of someone taking a file to your dick might not be what the average American wants - although you can always be sure that there will be a fetish subculture for whatever you'd want to suggest. But me, I'd have to have MUCH! MORE! POWERFUL! PENIS! indeed for that to be enticing.

    Anyway, onto the poems. But first - a variation of this line appeared somewhere in all these emails:

    something: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

    What's that about? The Random Word Generator adding its signature?

    The poems:

    Something to think about:
    Calm futon as a secretion walks about the intelligent book,
    Beckoning nude nectars here.

    Made by frogs, hits the chair to cup.

    Where season addresses through living, woefully,
    Its knife marked in the plan of a promise.

    A Poem for your enjoyment:
    Level the wall devoured a stealthy resolution, unexpectedly
    Violin had a counter, which was not at all a child.

    What chilly moose of paper within the ingenious unicorns!
    Demonstrate pits with no rabid girl.
    What creepy year of theater within the lonely utterances!

    And creams enlarge, seducing by returning well yet smoothly,
    Upon flabby books, fly not yet conduct joyfully
    Its harp walked in the spill of a thicket.

    Until moose mark pitifully, the glance destroys as porpoise,
    Peel the queen! Masquerade the gut!

    stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

    something: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

    Something to think about:
    Revolved by hares, tells the hanger to car.
    Serious as of lonely mark as days.
    For each drug, walk of the opaque hare.

    American torch as a creep sees about the putrid vessel,
    Torches like carpenters transmutate allegedly to picnic, pondering
    Ham writes an important queen.

    A Poem for your enjoyment:

    Throwing out, making, walking, telling, spilling,
    And fears live, undoing by addressing slyly yet shortly,
    Of spoons, make the unreal guest, penetrating
    What flabby gut of object within the flabby women!

    But where undoes the worm, as though walls were cheeses, abruptly

    Alas, the counter has spilled quite darkly, catching
    Of stomachs, lift the textured carpenter, addressing
    Enlarging, pondering, striking, showing, transmutating,
    Creep had a spill, which was not at all a pit.

    Rulers like cheerleaders kill purportedly to powder, lifting
    Dress the guy!
    Step the glance!
    Tell violins with no gargantuan content. Dive snacks with no funny plan.

    stupid things: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

    something: suspensory cyclopentane thegn aludra azole squarsonry

    Something to think about:
    And thickets revolve, addressing by quiting negatively yet angrily,
    Cup haunts a prefabricated counter.
    Intelligent resolution as a lion puts down about the turbid drug,
    Laugh rots a loud frog.

    Penetrate year, display along the cheese, peel
    Alas, the promise has quoted quite friendly, solving
    Suits like guys speculate lightly to hole, masquerading
    When nights fly in ethereal lights, the drug lifts,
    Speculate the suit! Write the llama!

    Until rugs revolve purportedly, the acorn sees as laugh,
    Alas, the war has speculated quite darkly, beckoning
    Catch lamps with no raunchy vessel.
    Rot creeps with no bouncy powder.

    Posted by Chris on 01/20/04

    January 16, 2004

    Desirably K. Particularize

    I am getting a lot of spam lately trying to sell me not Viagra but a generic variant of it called V-I-A-G-R-A. I imagine that this version of the drug not only makes you a tiger in bed but has the added benefit of being able to slip past a set of Outlook rules designed to catch the regular drug.

    The best part is the names that have been in the "From:" field on the emails. When spam comes from Nigeria or Romania or maybe somewhere in Micronesia you can usually tell from the labored English. It's like they're trying to make a Haiku out of everything.

    But these names seem to come from somehere else; it's like a really big fan of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory has written a program to generate them randomly.

    I've gotten offers to buy -V-I-A-G-R-A- from the likes of Admiration Q. Mare and Agustin R. Minor. Relished G. Transsexual and Multiplexing F. Cheryl want me to buy the pills! The relatively normal Marquerite Dingmann once sent me an offer, the enticing Manipulator T. Walloons sent me one, but my favorite so far has been... Desirably K. Particularize!

    Posted by Chris on 01/16/04