July 28, 2005

The Day I Had


  • Loss of street cred. I woke up at 6 AM for the weekly con-call, unaware that I would come to know it as the day of the Bonehead I.T. Maneuver that would land at #1 on my list of such maneuvers, unseating the time I unplugged a whole rack of servers, much farther ahead than accidentally tying up the whole WAN one night or asking dumb questions, and leaving not knowing the lore of subnetting far behind.

    The night before I had set in motion a little process - a simple, innocent little batch file - that was supposed to do something really innocuous, just make a small little change. On all the subdirectories on all our file servers. Ahem.

    So I sign on to find a long and frenetic email chain already in progress. "Something bad happened across the board last night on most of the servers, guys." "What happened?" "Who did this?" "Oh man, what a pain." Because I am in the Pacific time zone, I get to work after the rest of the team does. So imagine me strolling (electronically) into work, coffee in hand, and finding everyone else on the team rushing around, frantically putting out a series of little brush fires everywhere.

    And then I read the emails, and knew they were MY little fires. I broke out into a cold sweat. What... had... I... done.

    To explain what happened, but to avoid a technical discussion, imagine that someone is, say, in charge of security in a big, multi-story self-service storage center. No - say they are in charge of a whole CHAIN of them across the country. So this fellow who is in charge of keeping up with all the different keys for all the hundreds of padlocks in the U-Stor-It chain is doing an audit of security, so he invites a locksmith in to go door-to-door and check things out, and report back. He lets him in to do his job overnight so he won't bug the customers.

    But the next morning he wakes up to find that the locksmith has not so much reported on all the locks, as removed them. All of them. Leaving everything wide open.

    That's a long, boring metaphor to describe what I did. It wasn't quite Red Alert, all hands on deck, can-you-please-come-into-my office-and-shut-the-door time. Things got back to order in several hours. To continue the metaphor, imagine that I had a master list of what lock went with which storage compartment, and it could be rectified.

    But not without some time spent doing it. And as I was the last to come on line in this situation, it wasn't MY time that was being spent - it was my colleagues, who had to spend most of their morning putting out my fire.


  • Loss of street license. I still have my Illinois license, so I went to the DMV to get a California one. I waited an hour, and when I got up to the humorless man at the counter, he filled in my info, then was getting up to get the written test when something beeped.

    "Hmmm," he said, looking at the printout. I don't like "hmmm" in these situations. I don't like "hmmm" in the doctor's office, the accountant's, the lawyer, the mechanic, the DMV, the lady at the check-out counter trying to run my coupon, I JUST THINK HMMMM IS NO DAMN GOOD.

    He read for a second. "I have good news and bad news," he said. And then he waited for me to prompt him with:

    "What is it?"

    "You have an unpaid ticket in Illinois. You'll have to take care of it before we can issue you a California license," he said, pointing to where it referred to me as INELIGIBLE for a license on the precious printout.

    Dammit. Damn, damn, dammit. "OK," I said, packing up my stuff. "What's the good news?"

    And then I swear he gave me a blank look. "Uh..." he said helpfully.

    There was no good news, folks. NO GOOD NEWS. He stammered something about how I could just get an I.D. card, but there was no good news here. That was just his little phrase, and like a kid that forgets the end of a knock-knock joke, he forgot that he forgot it. What an idiot.

    So I went onto the City of Chicago website. (Egov.cityofchicago.org, friend of the scofflaw.) They had nothing under the VIN, nothing under my old license plate, but then - I found not one but TWO unpaid parking tickets - one from 04, one all the way back in Aught-3 - under my license. WHA-?

    "Wow!" said a certain someone who lives with me. "I can't believe those were YOUR tickets and not mine!" Because, you see, someone in our house, not me, used to bring home parking tickets by the fistful.

    Then I pointed out that while under MY driver's license, there was a long, long history of parking tickets that I did not much remember, and by the way I was not the primary driver of the car, it appeared that under the license of THIS OTHER PERSON WHO LIVES WITH ME ALTHOUGH NO NAMES SHALL BE MENTIONED, there were zero.

    Zero for the one who would occasionally reach into the glove compartment to find something to write on, and nine times out of ten that piece of scratch paper was an orange VIOLATION notice. Put there by someone, and I'm not pointing fingers, but it wasn't me.

    It is almost as if, I endeavoured to explain, that for a parking violation they file the ticket under who the car is registered to, not the person that parked illegally.

    Posted by Chris on 07/28/05

    can you please come into my office and shut the door?

    Posted by: jefferson Burson at July 29, 2005 5:26 AM

    The good news might be there is no extradition to Chicago for parking tickets.

    Posted by: simon at July 29, 2005 7:41 AM


    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at July 29, 2005 1:50 PM

    Could you please put on your time wig, enter a wormhole and enter my office at 200 west adams in the year 2000? Boy were you going to get it.

    Posted by: fattyfat at July 30, 2005 8:10 PM

    OMG! I think I just saw a ghost...

    Posted by: Ranger Dekiion at August 1, 2005 10:14 AM
  • July 27, 2005

    Random band and movie names

    Some band names:

  • The Leading Zeroes
  • Those Meddling Kids
  • The Flagrant Violations
  • The Shitheads*
  • Filth n' the Flarns
  • Cher**

    Some great movie names:

  • Long Story Short
  • Stop Me If You've Heard This
  • Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret***
  • Day of the Crapweasel
  • Filth n' the Flarns****
  • The Pimpin' Hand

    *But pronounced 'SHY-theeds' by anyone in the know, I mean the REAL fans

    **Not the singer-actress, but a string trio*****

    ***But not based on the Judy Blume book, this movie has nothing to do with that and it's just a coincidence that their names are the same, this movie is about a young girl just in her teens, wondering about teen girl stuff like boys and training bras. Well, wait, I guess it is sort of similar, so let's call her Delores.

    ****A biopic about the band and their struggles with addiction

    *****lawsuit pending

    Posted by Chris on 07/27/05

    My addition for a band name: Surrogate Scrotum

    Posted by: simon at July 28, 2005 6:40 AM

    And this one: The Vicious Knids

    Posted by: Just Pete at July 28, 2005 7:22 AM

    The Dollop Takers

    Posted by: simon at July 28, 2005 8:52 AM

    Chupacabra and the Zombie Coyotes

    (I think they're the new band formed by some of the former NKoTB and BSB members)

    Posted by: Ranger Dekiion at July 28, 2005 11:55 AM

    How about "And You Will Know Me By The Trail of Candy Wrappers?"

    Posted by: Chris at July 28, 2005 1:55 PM

    Or Manichean Bacon.

    Or 17% of the Geese are in Brazil, this can be a film, a band and a ride at Great America.

    Posted by: at July 28, 2005 2:29 PM

    One I've mentioned before: "Various Artists."

    Posted by: Chris at July 28, 2005 4:05 PM

    I listened to a show the other day that had a band, "The Following People,". When the host said, "Would you please welcome the Following People..." there was a pregnant pause before the audience applauded. It was marvelous.

    Posted by: simon at July 29, 2005 7:39 AM

    Oh, this is too much fun: Still Wearing Umbro

    Posted by: Just Pete at July 29, 2005 8:59 AM
  • July 26, 2005

    I find your concern for the environment amusing

    NOTE TO HOTELS: Please know that when I find your little sign in my hotel room inviting me to opt out of getting fresh linens every day in order to be more environmentally friendly, that first I utter a little laugh, and then I immediately go into the bathroom and throw every single ratty, threadbare towel and washcloth onto the floor.

    Then I call down to the front desk to have a complete fresh set brought up.

    How inspiring that you have made the environment a priority. And pardon my cynicism, but I am now moved not to save Mother Earth but to go to the bed, strip all the sheets off, including the pillowcases, and drop them in a knotted heap outside the door. Hello, front desk? My bedding wasn't very crisp. Please see to it that it is replaced immediately.

    Your earnest prayer for the trees is especially amusing when it is found in an establishment of the "Quality Inn" grade, where the towels are only slightly thicker than the toilet paper, and sized not for human beings but apparently for the wee folk of legend.

    How convenient that your new-found corporate responsibility to the environment is perfectly aligned with a way to give me less for my money! What a lucky break for you, and also your new friend Gaia!

    Even the damn Lorax would roll his eyes at your "Be Green" placard, and then he'd make sure to use four towels per shower - one to dry off, one to wrap around his waist, one to wrap around his head, then another to supplement that dust-rag you're calling a bath mat. Then he'd soak the rest in the tub for good measure.

    Christ, the friggin' Ents from Lord of the Rings would make a fart noise when they read your note, and then they'd steal a big stack of towels and washcloths from the housekeeping cart and throw them into the parking lot out of spite.

    Posted by Chris on 07/26/05

    :: hearty applause::

    I go to hotels SPECIFICALLY to live a decadent, wrong lifestyle with my hookers, and I want the bloodied, secretion covered sheets changed every day.

    I'd like some stats on HOW MANY PEOPLE actually DO GO GREEN? Because who DOESN'T want fresh laundered starched sheets every day of their life? NO ONE. YOU HEAR ME? Maybe Edie Brickel or some such whore, but not me.

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 27, 2005 9:49 AM

    Amen. How dare they play the environment card in that way? The next time I see one of those notes I am going to make a special effort to back over one of their shrubs in the parking lot on the way out. Sheesh!

    I can't believe the idea hasn't caught on throughout the travel industry, though. You KNOW some airline executive has floated the idea of not taking passengers all the way to their destinations - because you know how bad jet fuel is for the environment. And wouldn't you be willing to save the Earth a little bit by loading your own luggage into the cargo hold? You've seen how those baggage handling carts spew smoke into the air! Have a heart!

    I'm laughing that poor Edie Brickel gets so specifically, randomly called out and degraded in your reply.

    Posted by: Chris at July 27, 2005 4:32 PM

    Airlines are great for the environment. They burn fossil fuel, unload sewage in the sea, dump fuel in the ocean if they have to turn back from a transatlantic flight (it's dangerous to land with so much fuel), etc.

    But you can't smoke at the airports because it dirties the air.

    Posted by: simon at July 28, 2005 12:12 PM

    Kill Bill Marathon Update

    It seems to have stopped for now. No information yet on what may replace it in the one-slot hit parade over there.

    Posted by Chris on 07/26/05

    I have it on good authority that it will be replaced with "Cool Runnings"

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 26, 2005 6:49 AM

    False alarm. I heard it playing this morning at around 5:30 AM, unless it's just seeped into my dreams.

    Posted by: Chris at July 26, 2005 8:06 AM

    fair enough. Cool runnings in August then.

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 26, 2005 8:57 AM

    July 25, 2005

    Climb On, Garth

    There is a place near here called "Rockreation" where they have a warehouse full of two-story simulated cliff faces for you to climb and hang from. The "cliff walls" go up at several angles - slightly sloped, straight up, some that curve right above your head. Covering everything are multi-colored hand- and foot-holds that look like giant pieces of chewing gum left to harden.

    For $40 they showed a friend and I the ways of climbing, including how to put on the harness, how to tie the knot that your life depends on, how to "belay" on the ground so that your partner doesn't plummet to his great injury, and the "universal commands" that could theoretically be used with a partner in any country where they do this sort of thing - you say "on belay," he says "belay on," which means "I'm watching;" You say "tension," he says "tension on," which means "I've got you." When you are starting you say "climbing," and partner responds "Climb on." (And sometimes adds "Garth," or at least I did.)

    And there is that most obvious of terms, "falling," which means "oh shit," which I failed to use today at a very appropriate moment.

    Included in the $40 is a week's worth of coming in and free rentals and all that. We've been back three nights so far, to get our money's worth but also because it is super fun. What could be more fun than climbing all over things and hanging from ropes and the like?

    But in contrast to that, it's also quite a few steps outside my comfort zone. I'm not super athletic - but I'm not a total slouch. Let's call what I am "formerly active." But it was a surprise to launch myself excitedly up some hand-holds on one of their "boulders," get ten feet off the ground, and find myself thinking "oh no."

    One minute you can be on the ground thinking how easy a climb is going to be, and the next minute you can be half-way up, your arm muscles quivering, more than a little anxious, suddenly thinking, "I didn't notice this slight pitch outward from down there, WOW are these handholds tiny, and oh crap."

    It took three days to figure out that I wasn't going to fall to my death; today I confidently went for a handhold, missed, and fell. Luckily my friend was on the ball with the rope and I only dropped about a foot. This served to both instantly clear my sinuses and also give me a tad more confidence that I wasn't in much peril.

    Surrounding us this week have been people who are far, far better at it than us. They are hanging everywhere, they are suspended upside-down from the ceiling, they're dusting their hands with chalk, shouting encouragement to one another, making it all look very easy, like they've all been passing around radioactive spiders. There was one girl who we have seen the last three times who could easily ride along with Batman, such are her skills. I think of these people as the zero body fat brigade.

    The best thing I can say about the place is how inviting the whole thing has been. I'm sore, I always get scared more than once when I'm there, but we've gone back every night. I know they're trying to get our membership money but usually with athletic stuff it feels really closed off. I have an unfortunate attitude problem about this kind of thing (Coach Dudley was right) wherein I need a special balance of humor, seriousness, and patience, or forget it. I can't tolerate much machismo, hence the result that I have very rarely played group sports.

    But this hasn't been like any of the Big Three Games, where you were always expected to know ____ball and love it. To my surprise, despite the grunting and intensity of the Experts - these are people that have the t-shirts, the gear, the lingo, the magazine subscriptions - they're all very inviting and interested in helping us. Special thanks go to the man I was partnered with when I was learning to belay - holding the rope so that he didn't fall. For some reason I was having a bit of a problem with the little hand motion that allowed you to always keep a hand on the rope. Rather than smack me across the face, he patiently waited for me to get it, showed me the trick, and then climbed on, while I kept him from falling.

    Posted by Chris on 07/25/05

    Thanks for the update and please do not go so many days in a row with out posting again. I depend on reading your writing to get through my work day. Keep 'em coming.

    Posted by: Vickery at July 26, 2005 9:15 AM

    I have much to say during the week, I find, then closer to the weekend I dry up. I am thinking of projects for you during your down time at work that will serve my career and by association your own fortunes.

    Posted by: Chris at July 26, 2005 10:17 AM

    Excellent! Bring it on :)

    Posted by: Vickery at July 26, 2005 1:40 PM

    July 21, 2005

    Kill Bill Twice A Day

    It's another morning which means our next-door neighbor will be watching "Kill Bill" in a few minutes. I can expect to hear the opening strains of Nancy Sinatra's "Bang Bang" every day around 8 or so, which puts the Quincy Jones "Ironside" excerpt about 15 minutes later, then Darryl Hannah whistling the Herrmann theme, then Uma's shriek upon waking up in the hospital about five minutes after that, etc.

    On days that I work from home I have noted that he will sometimes watch the movie twice. This is a man who we see rarely even though he lives next door, who must be in his sixties, who always smiles and says hello as he goes past, who I think works part time somewhere. And his TV is next to his window which is next to our window, and he keeps his front door open, so whatever he's watching on TV, we're watching as well through the front and back of the apartment.

    But what to make of his twice-daily viewings of "Kill Bill?" I have noted this trend for at least a month. Think about that: the same movie twice a day for a month. There is no movie on my top ten list that I would watch that frequently.

    First of all, let's stop and realize how much worse it could be. God, imagine if this guy was getting his daily fix from "City of Angels" or "Tomcats." Words would be exchanged, threats made.

    But every day that it repeats, our perplexity increases, our curiousity grows. It's like discovering a little geyser that goes off faithfully every day in your yard. You're amused, you're confused, you're amazed. "AGAIN? You're KIDDING!"

    I suspect what is going on is not a super-extreme case of Tarantino fandom but a little bit of the ol' OCD, Lord love him. I think maybe the world of kung fu and violence and the Zamfir pan flute may cause him to go into a bit of a reverie. I suppose that's what playing Galactic Battlegrounds or Rise of Nations for hours at a time does to me.

    And man, it could be SO much worse.

    Posted by Chris on 07/21/05

    Do you think he is doing all of the cool martial arts moves next door while he watches the film? Or would you be able to hear that as well? You should try to find out. Keep me updated.

    Posted by: klugula at July 21, 2005 1:29 PM

    I predict he will soon be watching Kill Bill, Vol 2 daily, with perhaps a little overlap where he'll be taking them both in together. Keep me updated too.

    He keeps his front door open, is he watching in his undershirt? If so, he might have been the neighbor we had in our brief stay in L.A.

    Posted by: simon at July 21, 2005 2:20 PM

    Hey Klug! yer cute!

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 22, 2005 7:19 AM

    I was looking at your Top 10 list and actually wishing you HAD put them in some kind of order. I prefer ordered lists because I know when to stop. For example, if you ranked Moonstruck number five, then I'd know, 'Yep, here's where he started getting sloppy. I'll watch all four up to this point and then call it a night."

    There's something to an ordered list. Otherwise, it's just chaos. I'd appreciate your immediate compliance with this.

    Posted by: Just Pete at July 22, 2005 9:55 AM

    In response to your call for a numbered list, I have created not only one revised list, but two. However, I am not going to delineate which lists stands for what.

    But! I HAVE included:

    -The rankings for both lists. (Unfortunately, the rankings are listed separately from the films, are concatenated into one list to save space, and are themselves not in any order.)

    -One entry which does not belong. See if you can guess which.


    Raising Arizona
    Raiders of the Lost Ark
    The Meaning of Life
    The Celebration
    Time Bandits
    Do The Right Thing
    Terms of Endearment
    The Apu Trilogy
    The Thing
    Pulp Fiction


    Dark Star
    The Cube



    Posted by: Chris at July 22, 2005 12:33 PM

    The Apu Trilogy does not belong because it's in black and white and they talk in subtitles. Oh, wait, The Celebration has subtitle people too...

    What about Breakin' and Breakin 2 (the Electric Boogaloo)? Or was that just a phase and they're off your list for good now. Your Breakin 3 script had great promise, a few rejections shouldn't cause you to turn your back on the others.

    Posted by: simon at July 22, 2005 2:21 PM

    Thank you Jessica for you kindest of words. Un-numbered lists are appropriate, for those that cannot commit. Which is most of the world population. That is all.

    Posted by: KLUGULA at July 23, 2005 11:42 AM

    Yes, I meant to include typos. Thank you.

    Posted by: klugula at July 23, 2005 11:43 AM

    July 20, 2005

    One Suspects

    It has been moons since I checked out The Bleat, but since I saw a Shorter James Lileks at Alicublog, and as the veins in my forehead had mostly receded, I thought I'd check it out. Donning the well-worn, heat-blasted asbestos suit I keep near my browser, I went in.

    And then came back out after a few paragraphs. I just can't stand it.

    My prescription for Lileks? Venture outside the bubble once in a while. Vary things up with what you expose yourself to. Christ, man, you've gone Colonel Kurtz on us. Come back to the world!

    Lileks manages to be so completely wrong about - well, everything - that it seems purposeful. It's as if his rage at the world has boiled away all capacity for irony, because when he lists the multidinous faults of the many, many idiots of the world, they always seem to describe him perfectly.

    Or maybe it's just that he's so completely absorbed the Rovian Method that works SO well: Accuse Them Of Your Faults.

    I usually don’t read the letters page, because it’s often the worst of talk radio without the entertaining music bumper and host retorts. Half the writers have a little snarky glow: I made a clever remark. Aren’t I smarty?

    Snarky little glow? Proud of his clever remarks? Who does this remind you of? I'd never say Lileks has the corner on snark, but come on!

    And let's not even get into this predilection for talk radio. No, let's: if the world of blogs are his first bubble, then Hugh Hewitt's AM echo chamber is his one other.

    You get this [letter] from a Bob Lundegaard: “It will be interesting to see how the White House functions if Karl Rove is forced to resign. My guess: probably like the Charlie McCarthy radio show the day Edgar Bergen had laryngitis.” Ha ha! Because Bush is the stupid!!11! you know.

    Take it to the edge, James. Take it right to the edge, add some comments that no one has actually said but probably WOULD be said by a liberal, and you won't have to answer any questions you don't want to.

    There’s dispatches from the parallel universe: “Hans Blix, Richard Clarke, John Kerry, Joseph Wilson. The list of respected figures labeled as liars by the Bush team grows and grows. Just what you’d expect from a president who can’t think of a single mistake he ever made!” That manages to be inaccurate, deluded, internally illogical and full of adolescent self-satisfaction in less than 40 words. Sweet.

    Inaccurate. Deluded. Internally illogical. Full of adolescent self-satisfaction. God, it's like he has a psychological condition! It's a classic case of self-loathing, it's a cry for help, SOMETHING! Because as far as I can see, between the quote and Lilek's blog, the only one exhibiting those traits is James!

    Telling, too, that in his mind this is the view from a "parallel universe." As I've mentioned before I wouldn't mind living in that universe, but I'd characterize its relative position more as perpendicular.

    Later, we get

    I think Santorum is the new Jesse Helms: the person you evoke when you want to indicate that the idea is so stupid it’s held by someone who we all agree is the epitome of ideological ugliness and wrong-headedness. It’s like starting out a letter by saying “Blaming conservative attitudes that grew out of the 80s for the problems with immigration is a sentiment that Sen. Ted Kennedy would surely love.” Oooh! Zinger! Touchdown! Nailed ‘em! That’ll leave a mark!

    I'm not sure what's happening with this paragraph because I agree with his first sentence, but I can't detect if he does. In context it seems like he's using it as another example of the Wrong-Thinking of Liberals, which is unfortunate. Helms and Santorum HAVE become generic labels for stupidity, James, and that's because THEY ARE THE MOST BACKWARDS, RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC POLITICIANS IN RECENT MEMORY.

    What's his beef with it? Who knows. Maybe it was just another clever remark that had to go somewhere. Maybe he just needed a lead-in to another imagined liberal response.

    This passage is ultimately useful not for the insight but for how it exemplifies the standard Lilekian delivery pattern: Thesis, Straw Man Hypothetical, Imagined Liberal Response in Italics Presented as Proof. Repeat.

    (Intersperse cultural references to classical music and architecture to taste. Optional: Wrap up with description of trip to Target.)

    One suspects that the letter writer would vote for Byrd today if he lived in West Virginia, even though the ol’ Kluxer filibustered against civil rights bills.

    His is the kind of smarmy "Um, no" writing that makes me do a search - literally - through every post on this blog to see if I overuse phrases like "One suspects."

    And by the way, if there were a book of James Lileks' political rantings, could there be a better title?

    "ONE SUSPECTS: The World As Seen From The Bleat."

    It conveys everything about the way he arrives at his simple world-view.

    Posted by Chris on 07/20/05

    You're a brave man, and you have a strong temple vein.

    You remind me why I don't visit right-wing blogs, even when they claim they are centrist or "libertarian" to avoid the unsexy stigma of Republican association (yet still support every regressive move and cynical tactic belched out of the Bush Jr. White House).

    I do enjoy debating with them though, even if it means I face tedious straw man arguments and being told what I think as a "liberal, socialist, commie, Saddam-supporter (like Reagan)" or whatever name I've earned for having an alternate viewpoint and a belief that improvement doesn't mean just pointing out other countries we're not as bad as.

    You're also braver than Lileks for allowing readers' comments. Is his "bleat" a reference to the sheep in 1984 who drown out increasing objections to the piggies?

    Posted by: simon at July 20, 2005 2:34 PM

    In blogland we call this the "phantom emailer". You either say "I've received 1000s of emails of support" or "I've received 1000 of death threats" to garner a reaction, yet you can't prove or post any of them because you respect people's privacy. LOVE IT.

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 21, 2005 7:01 AM

    And simon, whatever your robust lover wants, she gets FROM ME, STAT because of her help in getting me a job. Lesbian sex? Not out of the question.

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 21, 2005 7:02 AM

    AGAIN with the online forum devolving into smut. You, ma'am, are worse than Hitler.

    Posted by: Chris at July 21, 2005 7:45 AM

    at what?

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 21, 2005 7:51 AM

    At invading Poland, obviously. PLEASE KEEP UP.

    Posted by: Chris at July 21, 2005 8:18 AM

    Worse than Hitler? Worse than David Hasselhoff!!!

    (P.S. in our house, lesbian sex means I work the videocamera)

    Posted by: simon at July 21, 2005 10:03 AM

    July 19, 2005

    The Wedding Crashers

    I am a big fan of the Vince Vaughn-Owen Wilson-Will Ferrell comedies, especially when they veer into being slightly rude, which I think we need more of in movie comedy these days. And I really liked this movie, but it unfortunately suffers from one of the most horrid of movie cliches: the Wedding Plot Singularity, wherein the entire plot shrinks to a tiny compressed point and is quickly resolved during a wedding ceremony at the end. A congregation of wedding guests, the presiding minister, and sometimes even a bride and groom stand by, silent, while someone declares their love, and all I can think of is how much the bride's family must have spent to reserve the church.

    The "Wedding Crashers" Plot Singularity involves not only the standard unfortunately-timed public declaration of love, but also loud cursing and a fist-fight in the church. If wearing white to a wedding is verboten for everyone but the bride, then surely engaging in fisticuffs in the house of worship is a big no-no as well?

    The movie is generally clever so I have to believe they were aware of the Singularity, but why they felt the need to steer right into it instead of around I do not know.

    I think special notice should be given to Isla Fisher, who has to be cute AND crazy, and Bradley Cooper, the Ivy League villain. I always admire actors who can inspire actual white-hot hatred of their character. Maybe it needed to be dialed back a little bit for this sort of comedy, but I'd not blame him for that.

    Posted by Chris on 07/19/05

    What the F? Is there an actor named Bradley Cooper? FOR REAL?

    :: goes back to change the character name in three of four of my working novels::

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 19, 2005 10:20 AM

    By the way, it looks like I deleted one of your comments below, asking if Dr. Doom did any bitch slaps. I am very embarassed. Sometimes when cleaning out the spam comments the filter gets over-zealous.

    Posted by: Chris at July 19, 2005 10:38 AM

    Vince is on my laminated list.

    Posted by: Vickery at July 19, 2005 11:14 AM

    Did you know that Isla Fisher is Ali G's wife?

    Cool, eh?

    Oh... and Vickery... YOU are on MY laminated list.


    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at July 19, 2005 12:40 PM

    I am flattered beyond words.......... ;)

    Posted by: Vickery at July 19, 2005 1:16 PM

    I'm standing right here.

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 19, 2005 1:53 PM

    Must every online forum devolve into smut?

    Posted by: Chris at July 19, 2005 1:55 PM

    awww chris, you're cute too.

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 19, 2005 2:04 PM

    July 18, 2005

    Missed opportunities

    Why haven't I been telling everyone I'm colorblind? I could wear just anything that came to hand in the closet, and instead of sad and ugly, I'd be endearing and kind of sweet.

    And what's the colorblind equivalent for ironing? What's that thing where you can't tell if the shirt is ironed or not? I'd have that, too.

    Posted by Chris on 07/18/05

    Your father has worked in retial for nearly your entire life and for as long as i can remember you have had access to depertment store clothing at employee discounted prices and yet and still it has all been wasted love. I just wish I could get all that love back.
    Name the movie and I will send you a new shirt, wrinkle free, to match your eyes.

    Posted by: Vickery at July 19, 2005 11:13 AM

    That sounds like one Mr. Judd Nelson, speaking in anger to one Ms. Ally Sheedy, in "St. Elmo's Fire," which I like to utter as two words instead of three, so that it sounds like "Stelmo's Fire."

    Am I right?!?! You are the best to send clothes, they are always of a higher spiffy factor than I would be able to pick out. Any such gift is not expected but much appreciated.

    Yes, Dad works in retail, which is what made the whole thing so tragic.

    Posted by: Chris at July 19, 2005 11:37 AM

    Of course you are right! And it's almost your Bday so i will try and send something very LA by then :)

    Posted by: Vickery at July 19, 2005 1:15 PM

    July 15, 2005

    This Week's Top Spam Subject Lines

    Two very life-affirming spam subject lines:

    You can get the watches you've dreamed about!


    Feeling well is not a dream

    My dream of feeling well AND having that nice watch can come true! Then, we get down to business with

    Hardened your penis like steel

    which I noted because it seemed to tie in somehow with the Fantastic Four thoughts. Imagine if the cosmic rays did THAT. My prediction is that a superhero with those powers would be initially very excited about the situation, but later would come to see it as a terrible burden.

    Posted by Chris on 07/15/05

    July 13, 2005

    Fantastic Four

    Perhaps the next great accomplishment by the mavens of movie marketing is to provide a film with plenty of advance lowered expectations, because I expected nothing from "Fantastic Four," and when I got a total of two iotas more, I considered the $9 well spent.

    Iota one: Chris Evans as Johnny Storm. Absolutely perfect as the buckaroo banzai of a pilot, an X-games enthusiast, an arrogant playa, absolutely thrilled with his new powers, a bit of an airhead, I mean shut up, he had me at hello. The movie came alive whenever he was onscreen.

    Iota two: Michael Chiklis. Due has to be paid for anyone who can emote under all that. The character is a contrast to the Human Torch - he got the short end of the cosmic ray stick, and Chiklis plays it right. The Thing has to be the hardest make-up job since Hulk, which they essentially avoided by handing it over to the CG guys.

    Otherwise, wow - it's a shallow rendering. Two scenes in particular (Sue gets undressed on the bridge, the team gets into an argument when Johnny gives them all superhero names) seem to exemplify a laziness in staging that you rarely see. You can almost hear the director saying, you know what? We'll just shoot it right here in the crowd.

    The movie has been in development probably about as long as I have as a human being, and although it's incorrect to say the SAME movie was in development all this time, still, you'd have thought they could do a bit better. For all the hands this movie has passed through, it certainly arrived unburdened by subtext.

    I don't buy into the notion that in order for a movie to be successful it must spawn a franchise in one weekend, but come on. To watch it you are forced to catalog the missed opportunities.

    The afore-mentioned Jessica Alba strip scene is one. Think about the possibilities: you have to be naked in order to use your super-power. But you're standing on a crowded bridge. And also your former boyfriend AND your brother are there. Also: you're Jessica Alba. Come on, that's classic pathos.

    I found myself feeling sorry for Alba when she had to PUSH her force field out at people. I imagine that felt silly on the set, and I shouldn't be worrying about that in the multiplex. And I hope it is not sexist of me to admit that - fellas, if she's supposed to be an MIT graduate, and she looks like that, then, to my mind you have to make mention of it. Something about how the nerds voted her Hottest, Youngest Scientist of the Year. Because I'm generalizing that you just don't see a lot of scientists like her.

    And Mr. Fantastic's stretchy powers. What keeps him together in human form? If he relaxes will he just start drooping like Silly Putty? Is he terrified of the changes to his body? Can he stretch too far? Actor Ioan Gruffudd's answer to these questions: "Hmm?" Nobody seems to care in the film.

    Ben Grimm's unfortunate appearance. The most time is spent on this character's tragedy, but it's undercut when the movie borrows the cosmic hyperbaric chamber from Superman's Fortress of Solitude, the one that lets you turn your powers on and off.

    Also: must every comic book movie be an origin story? "X-Men" thankfully came the closest to answering 'no.'

    Posted by Chris on 07/13/05

    He had a sort of sultry East-Euro thing going. At the beginning of the movie he has a "thing" going with Sue Storm, and it sort of fades away, unfortunately.

    No slaps, just a few of those backhands that send people careening into walls and then plaster goes everywhere. Not really sexy unless you're into the "Backhanded Into a Wall" fetish fiction subculture.

    Posted by: Chris at July 15, 2005 10:49 AM

    Batman Begins

    So here's the Batman movie I've been asking for for years, and now that it's here I don't think I want it anymore.

    I'm not sure why "Batman Begins" doesn't thrill me. Oh, I enjoyed it. But there's something that keeps me from signing off on it as a favorite. I admired Christopher Nolan for invoking the Richard Donner "Superman" as an ultimate comic book interpretation during some of the interviews, but perhaps that raised my expectations too high.

    Maybe I'm just tired of this character and the constant interpretations. We've seen him in Burtonesque phantasmagoria, we've seen him in Schumacher drag, we've seen him in fan films, there are a handful of animated interpretations right now, a handful of comics - maybe I just don't care anymore? Maybe I'd just like to see Batman put in the vault for a decade, along with the Rolling Stones and Elton John, and then let the crazy kids of the future interpret it for themselves. They can have a Batman that rides a skateboard and has the bat-emblem pierced into his chest with rings. It will look infected but it'll be the hippest!

    This is in no way fair to Christopher Nolan, who has delivered precisely what I asked for, or to Christian Bale, who is great, or any of the others. I loved the prison camp beginning. I loved that this movie is the sole version that remembers why Batman wears a scary costume, which is to scare people, and they show him trying to be scary, not just cool. The electric cape? The tumbler? The explanation for how all the other Batman villains come to be? Come on, I should love those things.

    But maybe I'm just Batmanned out. I'm sorry. Maybe after Frank Miller's interpretation, it just gets no better.

    Maybe I feel there's no need to worry if this is going to now be the ultimate Batman, because I know we're going to see another interpretation down the line anyway. For all of Nolan's efforts, I still think of it not in terms of characters but in terms of a Warner Bros. franchise that by all laws of commerce will re-emerge every so often no matter what. So why worry?

    Posted by Chris on 07/13/05

    You're Chris? You wrote that?

    I wouldn't mind seeing a Batman, or any of the other superheroes out there, made into a period film specific to when their comic books first came out. It would be a nice change to the fireballs, hi-tech and punching cars excitement of the recent crop.

    I would make them computer animation too. What distances me from superhero flicks is the attempt to turn comic book into reality, involving "cooling" up the costumes and exploring their psychological beginnings while ditching the sense of awe and wonder.

    Posted by: simon at July 13, 2005 10:59 AM

    In the words of Hugh Laurie:


    that you didn't like this movie. I was literally squirmy with delight at every turn. Particularly, at the end when Gordon said they couldn't catch any of the crazies from the asylum. So there you go. The answer to the lifelong question, how did Gotham get all these zany villains? THEY WERE ALL IN SCARECROW'S ASYLUM


    And Christian Bale? Still my boyfriend after all these years.

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 13, 2005 1:42 PM

    In the words of Stephen Fry: GET... THAT... ASS!

    That has nothing to do with Batman Begins, sorry. I DO like this movie, I am just mystified that I do not love it.

    And I have to say I don't like this review of mine because it all seems based on vague misgivings that I can't really explain. Being tired of the character isn't very specific for poor Chris Nolan, who no doubt is balled up in the corner, crying, after reading my much-anticipated review.

    I can't sort it out, though. I think Simon is on to something with the idea of period comic book films, although "The Phantom" was period and so was "Capt. Tomorrow," and both of those were underwhelming as well.

    For a comic book movie to work, it's a big balancing act for me. If it's going to be a live action movie, I want it to look real - not Tim Burtonesque, and not four-color Dick Tracy, and I want to believe it in the context of the real world.

    But! I also want to retain some of the fantasy. "Batman Begins" was grounded in reality, thanks for that, but I think it lacked some operatic quality that I didn't know it needed.

    I think the balancing act gets tougher as comics change, as movies change, etc. And it could be no tougher than with this character.

    For my money, "Superman" and "X-Men" are still the only ones that do it.

    Posted by: Chris at July 13, 2005 2:22 PM

    I'm drawn to the idea of computer animated, total fantasy, superheroes because The Incredibles was the first superhero film I've seen where the superheroes fit the world they were in. (I'll admit the X-Men are the only other superhero films I've seen since one of those bad neon-lighting nippled Batman films of the 90s so I'm not qualified to comment on most recent releases, but I blame the trailers for keeping me away.)

    I think part of the pleasure of comic books was the drawings. Presenting them as real imagery somehow dampens the impact for me. When they are brought into our real world they drag in a lot of unrealistic elements that compromise the proposed reality - the unclaustrophobic Fantastic Four space station, sprawling underground lairs with technology and gadgets that shatter the illusion of the present day. The old Superman films did a much better job keeping our world real on film while bringing in a fantasy hero.

    That being said, I am looking forward to V for Vendetta which is live action. But V's a terrorist, not a superhero.

    Posted by: simon at July 14, 2005 6:56 AM

    Netflix Syndrome

    You asked for the movie, you have nothing against it, at one time it seemed like a great idea to watch it, but for some reason once it arrives it sits in the pile for weeks - even months - before you get to it. And after a while you even begin to dread watching it.

    "Rules of the Game" holds the record for my Netflix account, as it sat on top of my TV for something like four months. It was already slightly in the category of spinach cinema for me, and without a return deadline it became a fixture. I remember dusting it off several times. I actually had it in my luggage when we crossed the country.

    "The Pianist" comes in second, at probably around seven weeks.

    But "Shaolin Soccer?" Why in the world would I be putting that one off? I tell you it's a Syndrome.

    Every now and then I have to go through a Netflix clearing, and just send a batch back unwatched.

    Posted by Chris on 07/13/05

    I'm embarrassed to admit that "The Pianist" sat on our DVD player for over 6 months. We finally watched it. It was fantastic. But we really had to gear up for it knowing its subject matter.

    On the other hand... Have you ever opened the mailbox to find a new red envelope only to put the newly received DVD in the player without ever setting it down? Thereby, immediately watching it and returning it the very next day. Ever done that? I tink I did that with the first disc of "The Office."

    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at July 13, 2005 11:10 AM

    I should also admit that "The Pianist" was one that had to go back unwatched. I still want to see it, but you're right - it takes some gearing up.

    What bothers me is that some of the movies on my favorites list were discovered accidentally. They weren't the obvious ones like "Jaws," and Lord knows what I'm missing if I can't even watch a mainstream movie I'm already paying to rent.

    There have been a few that went directly from envelope to DVD player! For whatever reason "Hitch" was one of those with a quick turn around. "Lost Highway" never touched the TV, it went straight from the mail to the player.

    Posted by: Chris at July 13, 2005 11:43 AM

    July 11, 2005

    How fast CAN a Sunset Orange Pearl-colored Honda Element peel out of the White House parking lot?

    Did anyone clock it? Was anyone watching? When Scott McClellan left the White House press conference today?

    We don't have video of him driving away, unfortunately, but based on the video we DO have (at Crooks & Liars) of the grilling he got about his buddy Karl, I'm guessing he probably left rubber on the pavement. I'm sure there was nothing but a Sunset Orange Pearl-Colored blur all the way to the nearest bar where he went for a stiff drink or eleven afterwards.

    Posted by Chris on 07/11/05

    Hey, let's keep some perspective here.

    The treasonous outing of an undercover CIA operative for political revenge is not as bad as criticizing the ditching of American principles at Guantanamo Bay concentration camp.

    Good grief Chris, when will you drop the leftie bias of your blog? Soon you'll be telling us that lying your nation into a $5-billion-a-month illegal war is worse than getting a blowjob from an intern. Don't you remember 9/11? We're going to Mars you know.

    Posted by: simon at July 12, 2005 7:01 AM

    I was wrong. I wrote in haste. I should have said I don't want to talk about these matters while they're under investigation.

    Posted by: simon at July 12, 2005 12:34 PM

    Hi Chris!

    Posted by: friend jessica at July 13, 2005 6:55 AM

    Well of all the-!

    Look who it is! Say funny things!

    Posted by: Chris at July 13, 2005 9:17 AM

    Yes, hi jessica. Say funny things. I can write a lot like you used to, but I can't say funny things like you used to. I'll leave the next comment post area blank for you...

    Posted by: simon at July 13, 2005 1:05 PM

    Man on a Segway: a round-up of your reactions

    Two weekends ago I was privileged to go to a bachelor weekend for Friend John, and because we are geeks, we chose to rent not strippers*, but Segways.

    After having dreamed of the day when I might ride one, after bemoaning the stinginess of the owners, my turn had finally come.

    A brief round-up of the reactions we received going down Michigan Ave. and the lakeshore on these devices:

    1. Calm bemusement. 'Oh, what will they think of next,' these people seemed to be thinking. They'd never be caught dead on one of these things, at least not in public, but they certainly thought it was a curious sight. I'll admit we cut a less than dashing figure.

    2. Disgust. "Your legs are going to atrophy!" we heard yelled at us at one point. "Oh, that's SO much better than walking," called one man loudly, since clearly by mounting the Segway we'd agreed to forgo any other mode of transport for life. This seemed to come from the sort of crowd that sees your iPod and classifies you as one of those Apple sell-outs.

    3. Righteous rage. It will perhaps not be a total shock to anyone that the bicyclists on the lakeshore of Chicago were uniformly enraged by our presence. Like an extremely territorial animal with a very small brain, they are capable of only one or two responses to any given stimuli. And for us they exhibited their primary reaction: apoplexia.

      For them, we were worse than the dreaded pedestrian - for though we had chosen a conveyance with two wheels, we had perverted the basic ethos behind it. Because the wheels were beside each other and not in-line, you understand. We were heretics. It was tantamount to a political statement against their ilk. They made their displeasure known, and loudly.

    4. A blank, completely-unable-to-mentally-process-the-image stare. For some the image of us zipping down the sidewalk simply did not compute. One got the impression that they would have had the same reaction if a magical unicorn with long, flowing mane had galloped past, or perhaps a troop of frothing Mummenschanz performers. I suspect that seconds after we were gone they had no memory of our passage.

    5. Hilarity. This sort, a distinct minority, seemed delighted. They wanted us to do tricks for them on the Segways, wanted to know how fast they went, if they could go backwards, etc. As temporary ambassadors to the strange, we complied.

    *Not that everybody DOES have strippers at a bachelor party. Do they?
    Posted by Chris on 07/11/05

    So... You're saying that you were in Chicago and didn't bother to notify anyone else?


    Oh... and congrats to John!


    (sorry... my inner-fratboy just got out some and reared his ugly beergut)

    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at July 11, 2005 10:16 AM

    Oh my friend, that was a source of much pain for me. To be back in my old stomping grounds, but without enough time to visit all my old Chicago buddies. I am very sorry!

    Every moment was given to the glorification of John's Bachelordom, from start to finish. Besides, you would have mocked the bowling shirts we'd gotten for the occasion.

    Posted by: Chris at July 11, 2005 10:38 AM

    Well, it's not REALLY a bachelor party unless you've been dry-humped by a Segway.

    Posted by: Just Pete at July 11, 2005 12:12 PM

    I knew, from a reliable source, that Chris was in Chicago that weekend so he's not entirely wicked. At least not at my level.

    You could have rented Segways AND strippers. But you're right, not everyone has strippers. Some bachelor parties have prostitutes instead.

    Posted by: simon at July 11, 2005 12:19 PM

    Wait a minute, wait a minute - to Brian: careful who you're calling a geek! Don't forget I have not only pictures but VIDEO of you playing WhirlyBall.

    Posted by: Chris at July 11, 2005 1:09 PM

    Whirly Ball involves beer. Therefore, not a geeky activity. You play AT A BAR! DUH!!! I thought you would have learned all of the rules and qualifiers by now.

    YOU... on the other hand... play with mathematical equasions to make pictures and post them on your blog on the internet. Not only geeky... but GAY!


    Posted by: Big Fat Brian at July 11, 2005 1:47 PM

    Brian, Brian. Who says I wasn't drinking beer when I was on the Segway? Who says I wasn't drinking beer when I made equations to create crazy spirals and post them on the blog - nope, you're right, that one is pretty geeky.

    Posted by: Chris at July 11, 2005 2:04 PM

    July 8, 2005

    This Week's Top Spam Subject Lines

    "For your benefit, I remember shouting near my home."

    "Unknown Girls Banging."

    "The Fate of Whales."

    If I was a musician, I'd have my band name, album and first track right there.

    Posted by Chris on 07/ 8/05

    OK, but which is which? Michael's in the process of forming a new band and we are in the market for a band name. TGIF!

    Posted by: Vickery at July 8, 2005 11:16 AM

    My favorite spam line today is "Re: connotation, Don't tell anyone please." Don't worry, Amado Shaw, I won't tell anyone.

    Posted by: Long Lost Leigh at July 8, 2005 11:41 AM

    Come ON! How can someone NOT call their band Unknown Girls Banging?!?! And their hot new album, "The Fate of Whales?!?"

    Posted by: Chris at July 8, 2005 12:45 PM

    July 7, 2005

    Today in CFDG

    Made some lovely spirals today, after several abortive attempts that either made nothing but one ugly square or a sickly, squat rutabega plant. The whole challenge seems to be to create a lovely fractal tree that both expresses some unified mathematical truth and at the same time makes a lovely wall-hanging.

    Here's one I made:

    Whatever we're teaching our schoolchildren now, I call on us to halt that education and start them learning CFDG, as well as advanced recursive subroutining so that we can begin our nation's important work of making better and better fractals, or at least some really cool psychedelic blacklight posters.

    Posted by Chris on 07/ 7/05

    We are desperately seeking a series of three works of art to go on the wall in our bedroom - something elegant and simple, yet thought provoking. Can you hook me up stat?

    Posted by: Vickery at July 7, 2005 2:33 PM

    Let me show you some of my "pinwheel" art, as well as my "broccoli stalks going off into infinity" series.

    Or if that's not your bag, how about something from the "Aztec warrior and naked princess" milieu, as we have in our bedroom?


    (To fully appreciate these they should be on velvet.)

    Posted by: Chris at July 7, 2005 3:18 PM

    That Pricess and I were cut from the same baby got back cloth! Too funny - only velvet would do!

    Posted by: Vickery at July 8, 2005 11:18 AM

    I'm looking for more of these online. There was a Mexican restaurant in Chicago that had so many of these that I could barely eat my quesadillas for all the erotic tension.

    Posted by: Chris at July 8, 2005 12:38 PM

    July 6, 2005

    My two favorite new toys

    iTunes' Podcasts, and this cool little fractal drawing program that has its own simple programming language, called Context Free Design Grammar:

    Chris Coyne created a small language for design grammars. These grammars are sets of non-deterministic rules to produce images. The images are surprisingly beautiful, often from very simple grammars.

    Does that mean that if I can say "2 squares followed by a circle and repeat that pattern as you shrink it" in CFDG that I'm bilingual? I'm going to say yes.

    Posted by Chris on 07/ 6/05

    July 5, 2005

    War of the Worlds

    I suppose I'll have to see it again because everyone else seems mightily irritated by the second half, which didn't suck for me. But then I am highly susceptible to Steven Spielberg's films. We know by now that he will make family the thematic center of his every film, so I am not bothered by the dalliances with the son and father. I'm not crazy about alien invasion films that focus only on one person and spend an inordinate amount of time in a basement, but at least he didn't cut away to a reflection in a TV when the aliens finally showed up, YES I'M LOOKING AT YOU M. NIGHT SHAMALAMADINGDONG.

    I'm not sure that this is going to be one of the ultimate Spielberg films, but what I am sure of is that when he wants to be scary, not Temple of Doom scary of even Jurassic Park scary, but REALLY scary, he does it so well it makes my stomach hurt a little bit. And the first appearance of the tripods hurt my stomach a little. This is an alien invasion movie less in the Independence Day mode and more in The Day After mode.

    As usual in his films I am amazed not just by the grandiose visions we're treated to but the smaller details. I loved the way the first tripod was glimpsed behind a tree in its introduction scene, and the way the street light came on when the storm first started to roll in to New Jersey. I am amazed that Spielberg not only considers how an alien ship will look, but how it will sound. Compare the sound the ships made in Close Encounters to the end-of-the-world blaring that these made. The bodies in the river were a terrible, amazing detail to think of adding, as was the dust (ash?) covering Tom Cruise.

    I was not crazy about that sphincter thing that tried to ingest Tom Cruise, nor do I understand what was going on with the birds at the end. I don't remember the book or previous film enough to know if the aliens had buried their ships ahead of time, but that part raised too many questions for me. Like, if these tripods are so smart and have had all this time, you'd think they'd have figured out germs.

    I think if you have any interest in sci-fi or epic films you can enjoy this film, unless you are also of that type that hold Spielberg up to his ultimate standard every time and in fact get weirdly indignant when it's not an instant classic, but will still go and see something like The Day After Tomorrow and have good things to say about it afterwards.

    Posted by Chris on 07/ 5/05

    Thanks! I nearly completely agree - but for my $6.50 (afternoon rates) Boy what a ride! The birds were showing that the shields on the tripods were failing and turning off and therefore we could bomb them. And even though Tom has been a bit of a cradle robbing freak lately - I thought he did a really good job.

    Posted by: Vickery at July 6, 2005 5:30 PM

    I think the birds were in the book; if I recall it correctly they arrived to feed off the martian corpses.

    Did they really bomb the dead martians in the film? Poor birds, can't get a decent meal without interruption.

    Posted by: simon at July 7, 2005 9:02 AM

    The birds meant the shields were down! Ah, OK. Once more nature ITSELF prevails against the aliens! Could we tell if the birds were spotted owls? I bet the tripods that attacked the northerly regions of the planet were somehow undone by baby harp seals.

    Posted by: Chris at July 7, 2005 1:45 PM

    I really enjoyed the film, but hated the fact that the son "just had to" go away. Why? The sound of the tripods was extremely disturbing, and if I could get that to somehow sound outside our windows @ night, loud enough to shake the windows, Elwood would never sleep again. Neat.

    Posted by: klugula at July 7, 2005 4:54 PM

    July 1, 2005

    Note to People Who Could Care Less

    Note to my neighborhood regarding noise levels.

    I'd like to go ahead and put my vote in for the bombing range.

    Every morning I wake up to the sound of just about every type of industrial activity modern man is capable of going on within two blocks. On any given day we've got leaves to blow, dear JESUS do we have leaves to blow, we've got concrete to crack, we've got things to hydraulically lift from one level to the next, we've got about three different companies that we contract out to remove garbage (but not bulky items, Lord not those) from this alley alone.

    So what I'm saying is, if you're holding off on the Air Force bombing range because you feel it may disrupt the peace, please don't worry, that bird has flown.

    Note to people who could care less.

    I'm going to stop correcting you, because whatever the subject is, maybe you still have this slight reserve of caring? Maybe you're holding it out as a tease? 'Hey, I could still be pulled into this thing, but I'm on the fence?'

    Note to friends and family regarding my correspondance skills.

    I'm sorry, I really am. Due to an unfortunate acting exercise in my teens, I shrank my Circle of Attention down to two or three people and I never got it back to where it was again. I'm suing the Stanislavski people.

    So you can see thank you notes are right out.

    Posted by Chris on 07/ 1/05

    I agree: thank you notes (and cards) are right out. Usually I SAY thank you, it seems to be one of the first things I learned. When did it become proper to put it in writing so Hallmark could get a cut?


    Posted by: simon at July 5, 2005 10:51 AM

    This question is unrelated to this topic - however, I have to ask - and maybe I missed it - what r your thoughts on War of the Worlds?

    Posted by: Vickery at July 5, 2005 4:17 PM