Episode 27: The Non-Exploding Assistant
(The Palace. The King of the Known Universe has ordered his Blind Minions to deactivate the Robot. All the Robot's many metal spheres have receded into one large dull gray ball. Bob, his hands still covering his eyes lest he catch a glimpse of the King's radiance and subsequently explode, moans.)
BOB: Oh boy - this isn't good. I really need the data inside that robot. Do you minions even know how to reactivate him? Did you think about that?
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: The job of which I spake, O Assistant, is very simple. When I utter the word you will open your eyes and direct them upwards in my Palace, being careful not to look ye upon My Radiance. Since my Palace is immense beyond your understanding, there is no ceiling; indeed, engineers have yet to discover a way to cap such a magnificent structure as this. And since there is no ceiling, your gaze will travel straight up unto the heavens. There, you shall see the ruins of My Moon.
BOB: While I'm doing that, can you have your Minions please determine a way to turn the Robot back on?
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Why is he saying these things, O minions? Does he not know that the Robot was silenced to serve My Will?
BLIND MINION: We're not sure, O Lord.
BOB: You don't understand - I needed that Robot to help me though the story! If I don't stay on the right narrative path, I could wander off onto some pointless side-tale, or into some meaningless plot! And if I do that, I'll never get back to Lost Island!
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Your words are strange, O Bob. It is odd to me that a man made of flesh would follow one made of metal in the course of his life.
(The King makes the smallest of gestures, and a glorious sound fills the Palace, which the Blind Minions and Bob take to be the sudden appearance of a holy chorus of angels.)
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Now, Bob, direct your eyes upwards and release them from the captivity of your hands. (Bob does so, being careful to not look at the King. Above him is a night sky filled with millions of stars, and a crescent moon.) You no doubt note that my Moon is being slowly devoured by some great, dark beast. Indeed, nearly half of it has been eaten by now.
BOB: I... see a moon that looks like it's around three-quarters of the way through it's phase, if that's what you mean.
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: I know not this low word "phase," but BE QUIET! Your King is speaking of the task that you must complete to release your friends! Now: every 16 days my Moon crosses the sky like a great glowing wheel; and each time it does, some great invisible beast chews it almost to nothing before it makes the journey.
BOB: Look, I don't think you understand-
(The King makes the smallest of gestures, and there is a great clap of thunder.)
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: IF I COULD FINISH. You will travel into the sky, and subdue this great Moon Devouring Beast, whatever it may be. You shall bring me its head, and I shall release your friends.
BOB: OK, but can I just point out that - OOPS.
(Forgetting the King's sheer magnificent brilliance, Bob gazes at him as he speaks.)
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HOW DARE YOU LOOK UPON ME!
BLIND MINION: STAND BACK, HIS MIND WILL EXPLODE FROM KNOWLEDGE OF OUR KING'S GREATNESS!
BLIND MINION 2: STAND BACK, STAND BACK!
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Quickly, smother the body with blankets! Those will put out the flames! QUICKLY!
(The Minions scurry for the flame-retardant blankets.)
BOB: Excuse me...
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: And fetch the largest iron lid we have - there is a small chance the rest of his body will create an implosion as well! Call for more Blind Minions, that the Palace may be secured against this implosion!
(Several Blind Minions run back into his presence, carrying a large cistern between them.)
BOB: I just have one question...
BLIND MINION: We could not find any blankets, but we did find this large cistern of water to douse the conflagration!
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Then why are you standing there chattering like a group of blind crows? Douse him! Douse him! Lest the flames destroy this entire palace! I can already feel their heat!
BOB: Wait-
(The Minions douse Bob with water, although he was not on fire.)
BOB: (sputtering) I... wish you hadn't done that.
BLIND MINION: He still speaks!
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: It... is most likely out of reflex. The body is dead, but the tongue still speaks, I have seen it before.
BOB: I have a very important question, O King.
(The Minions stop, incredulous. If they still had eyes, they would stare in disbelief. Meanwhile, the King, possessing eyes, does stare.)
BOB: And that is: why do you not allow anyone to look at you?
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: I... do not follow you.
BLIND MINION: What's he talking about?
BOB: I'm looking right at you... at your "brilliance" - and not only is my head not exploding, I'm also not very impressed.
(The King is a short man sitting in a large control throne. Attached to the front is a large instrument panel, with buttons to activate every variety of sound effect. Surrounding it is the bubble of a force field. The King's unimpressive jaw has dropped at Bob's comment. A moment passes before he regains control.)
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: My minions! How is it that you allow him to speak to me in this way!
(The Minions clutch each other in confusion. Bob looks around at the Palace - not only is it not infinite, but it is in fact rather modest, and shabbily painted at that. There IS in fact no ceiling, but it appears to be simply because it has collapsed and never been repaired. Bob puts his hand on his forehead, feeling a headache coming on.)
BOB: Great.
Just what is happening here? Could it be that the King of the Known Universe has perhaps been misrepresenting himself? And if so, how will the Blind Minions feel about it? Find out in Episode 28 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: The Incredible Shrinking Universe!
by Chris McCaleb
© 2000 Absurd Pamphlet Press