Episode 28: The Incredible Shrinking Universe
(All is still in the PALACE OF THE KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. Bob has just broken the news that he has gazed upon the King and lived. The King's many Blind Minions - blind because the King had their eyes removed so that they could not look at him and die from mental overload - are shocked.)
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: I will not stand for this... this impertinence! Minions, fall on him, and devour him! Instantly!
BLIND MINION: What's going on? Why isn't the Universal Assistant exploding from having gazed at you, O Lord?
BOB: Because your mighty King is basically just a sound engineer with a force field! That's why!
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: SILENCE! Minions, WHY DO YOU NOT DEVOUR HIM?
(Many of the Blind Minions are gathered around now, clutching blindly out at one another for support during this crisis of their faith)
BLIND MINION: Wait, wait, wait, just hang on here a minute. You're telling me - you're looking at the King right now?
BOB: Yes.
BLIND MINION 2: And you're not exploding?
BOB: Not to my knowledge.
BLIND MINION 13: WHAT?
BOB: It's true.
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: It is some kind of a trick! Minions, fly! Fly from here! Lest this devil destroy us! I will protect you!
BLIND MINION: Oh, this is great. THIS IS JUST GREAT. We allowed our EYES TO BE PUT OUT BECAUSE OF THIS MAN!
BLIND MINION 4: You... you bastard! We allowed you to BLIND us! We BELIEVED you!
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: SILENCE!
BLIND MINION: Oh, silence yourself!
BOB: Listen, don't take this so hard. I mean, maybe I AM exploding. But just very very slowly.
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Silence!
BLIND MINION 3: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: SILENCE!
BLIND MINION: And that's not ALL we had removed for him!
BOB: You don't mean...
BLIND MINION: Let's just say our great and not-so-brilliant KING here finds all forms of sexual activity to be a sign of impurity.
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Silence?
(The Blind Minions, shouting angrily, form a mob. Rather than immediately attack their ruler, however, they leave the Palace, probably to get more Minions. Bob and the King of the Known Universe are left alone.)
BOB: Well. I think that went better than it could have for you.
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: IMPUDENCE!
(The King touches a button on his control panel, and a great roaring sound is heard throughout the Palace. If Bob still had his eyes closed, it might seem like a thousand angry bears; however, having seen the sound effects panel, the psychological effect is considerably lessened.)
BOB: I have to tell you, I've seen some mighty scams in my days, but this one may top them all. You have a whole planet of people believing you're some ALMIGHTY KING, too great to even look at.
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: How dare you poison my subjects against me!
BOB: ME? You're the one that had them remove their eyes and their... other parts for you!
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: I was only trying to protect them from my brilliance! I know not how you have managed to survive gazing at my visage, but I tell you in truth, they would not fare so well.
BOB: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you BELIEVE that you're actually the King of the Known Universe?
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Fool. I KNOW that I am!
BOB: And you really believe these Minions will explode if they look at you?
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: I have seen it happen! A Minion definitely exploded in here one time!
BOB: I... don't know what to say. Maybe... maybe you just came across a defective Minion. I...
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: I KNEW I should have had my Minions remove your eyes!
(Bob paces for a moment, while the King fidgets nervously.)
BOB: Let me ask you this. How big IS the known universe? I mean, by YOUR definition.
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: What a ridiculous question!
BOB: Humor me.
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Why, the Universe extends all the way to the walls of this Palace! And it also extends upwards to my poor, devoured Moon!
(Bob whistles.)
BOB: My! As big as that?
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: No smaller!
BOB: So... you were serious about the Great Moon-Devouring Beast? You really believe...
(Suddenly there is a great calamity in the Outer Hall. The great door is knocked off its hinges as hundreds and hundreds of Minions pour in. They do not look happy. They are headed more or less straight for Bob and the King, minus a few that are wandering off course becaue they cannot see. If they still had eyes, Bob and the King would no doubt see murder in them.)
KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: There is no time for this, Assistant! You deal with the Moon-Devourer - I shall quiet my Minions.
(Before Bob can respond, the King presses a button on his control panel. Bob instantly hears a great, whooshing sound - not because of any sound effect, but because the King has launched him into space towards his moon.)
JNo time to worry about the King: Bob's just been launched into space! Don't miss Episode 29 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: The Great Moon-Devouring Beast!
by Chris McCaleb
© 2000 Absurd Pamphlet Press