Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant

Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant
Episode 9: The Sack of Horrors

(COMPLETE DARKNESS. The Voodoo Headhunter has dropped Bob into the SACK OF HORRORS, where it is utterly dark, and utterly silent. Except for the sound of Bob breathing heavily, there is nothing.

But wait - there is also the sound of... hissing. And slithering.)

BOB: (quietly, panicked) Oh God.

SERPENT 37: OK. Let's get started. Whose turn is it poison the victim?

SERPENT 13: I did it last time.

SERPENT 9: God! Is there ANOTHER victim in here? I'm barely finished with the last one!

SERPENT 37: Yes, I know. It's been a busy week. Still, I know we've got another one, because I can hear him breathing.

HUGE SCORPION: Hang on - listen. I don't hear him breathing anymore.

(They all listen carefully.)

SERPENT 2: Did he die? Did someone already eat him?

FLESH-EATING SCARAB BEETLE: I haven't moved! I SWEAR!

ANACONDA: OH! Sorry! Sorry!

(Suddenly we hear the sound of Bob gasping for breath)

ANACONDA: I was squeezing him! Sorry! Sorry, it was just reflex!

SERPENT 37: Guys, let's try to be a little more careful here, OK? Let's all try to make this the best Sack of Horrors it can be.

ANACONDA: Really, I'm sorry.

BOB: Look - there's no need for you to poison, OR devour me... GAH! GAH! GAAAAAH!

SERPENT 37: WHAT HAPPENED?

BOB: GAAAAAH! KAHHHHHH!

SERPENT 37: WHAT HAPPENED? Did someone poison him?

HORRIBLE MILLIPEDE: Um... no, that was me. I was just crawling in his mouth.

SERPENT 14: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

SERPENT 37: Guys... come ON! Let's try to be a little organized here. Everyone STAY OUT of his mouth until we can get him poisoned.

SERPENT 14: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

SERPENT 37: It's NOT FUNNY.

SERPENT 14: Sorry...

BOB: Oh my god, that was horrible.

LOCUST: Hey - how was it?

HORRIBLE MILLIPEDE: I didn't get much of a chance to explore before he spat me out.

AN OWL: Who.

SERPENT 37: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold everything. Who let an owl in here?

(There is silence, except for Bob's ragged breathing.)

SERPENT 12: Not me.

SERPENT 1: Not me.

SERPENT 27: Me either.

SERPENT 11: Not me.

HIDEOUS STINGING TOAD: Not me.

SERPENT 37: Oh? OH?

HIDEOUS STINGING TOAD: Um... I MIGHT have let him in.

SERPENT 37: Oh, great. JUST GREAT.

HIDEOUS STINGING TOAD: WHAT COULD I DO? IT WAS SCRATCHING TO BE LET IN! YOU KNOW HOW I GET!

SERPENT 37: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SACK OF HORRORS. What the hell is a big dumb OWL doing in here?

BOB: Look, I don't want to be a bother-

COBRA: Excuse me. Someone's on my tail.

RAT: Sorry, that was me.

SERPENT 22: Now you're on MY tail.

RAT: Sorry! Sorry!

OWL: Who.

FLESH-EATING SCARAB BEETLE: Can we have a little light just for second? Just to find the owl? Is the firefly still in here? Can we ask the firefly-

SERPENT 1: NO LIGHT! That will ruin the whole "horror" ambience!

OWL: Who?

SERPENT 37: (sighing) Look, can someone just let the damn owl out? I really don't find owls too horrifying, and I really don't think it's appropriate for a bird to be in the Sack of Horrors.

HIDEOUS STINGING TOAD: I THINK I HAVE APOLOGIZED FOR THAT.

SERPENT 19: AHEM! Question! Question here! Won't the victim escape if we open the Sack?

SERPENT 37: Not if you poison him first.

SERPENT 19: Ah! I see. Thanks.

BOB: I won't try to escape! There's no need to poison me!

FRUITFLY: Bzzz.

GIANT TARANTULA: Hey! I could wrap him from head to toe in web, and that way he won't be able to move! And then we'll be able to release the owl, then devour the victim at our leisure!

SERPENT 37: Hmmm. That sounds like a good plan - go ahead!

BOB: Look, there's NO need to wrap me in web!

FLEA: I wonder if maybe you guys would let me get a ride with the owl before you let him go?

SERPENT 37: Now - who's going to let the owl out?

(There is silence for a second)

SERPENT 30: I... WOULD, but I'll be honest. I'm a little concerned. Don't owls peck?

HORRIBLE MILLIPEDE: HA! I have NEVER heard of anyone being "pecked" by an OWL! How ridiculous!

OWL: Who.

SERPENT 37: Look, SOMEONE let the damn owl out. I'm trying to run a friggin' Sack of Horrors here!

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: Hey - I'd like to help, but my wife and I were just about to...

SERPENT 37: What?

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: You know.

SERPENT 37: Oh. OH. Well, fine, go ahead and do whatever you have to do.

FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS: Honey? What's keeping you?

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: NOTHING! Coming, dear.

OWL: Who.

SERPENT 11: Another thing you have to watch out for with the owls - their claws.

SERPENT 12: Oh, GOD yes.

SERPENT 1: Don't get NEAR the claws.

SERPENT 27: They'll rip your head off!

SERPENT 36: Those things are KILLERS!

SERPENT 2: AH! AH! AH! AH! GET IT OFF!

SERPENT 37: WHAT? WHAT?

SERPENT 2: Sorry, sorry. I felt something feathery against my neck, and thought it might be that owl.

SERPENT 37: Oh for the love of - it's just an OWL. Hey, how is that web coming?

GIANT TARANTULA: Should be done in just a jiff! This guy's not going ANYWHERE!

FLESH-EATING SCARAB BEETLE: Again, if we could just have a little light just for second-

SERPENT 1: LOOK, I ATE THE FIREFLY, ALL RIGHT? I ATE HIM. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?

FLESH-EATING SCARAB BEETLE: I knew it was you.

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: OH MY GOD MY HEAD NOT MY HEAD GOD NO GOD JESUS NO GOD AH-

(We hear a CRACK, then silence.)

SERPENT 37: O....K, let's all just stay focused here. Step one, someone let the damn owl out. Step two, poison and devour this new victim. I'm going to just delegate someone. Number 6. Number 6? Let the owl out.

(Silence)

SERPENT 37: Where the hell is Serpent 6?

SERPENT 15: Um - the tarantula wrapped number 6 up completely in web.

GIANT TARANTULA: Oh, was that a SERPENT? I thought it was our victim! Sorry! Sorry! My bad! It's dark in here, I couldn't tell! I'll let him out.

SERPENT 6: (spitting pieces of web out) You BASTARD!

SERPENT 10: CHRIST! I'll let the frigging bird out! Why is it ALWAYS me?

FLESH-EATING SCARAB BEETLE: AHHHHHHHH!

SERPENT 37: WHAT? WHAT? What happened?

SERPENT 2: I... think the owl ate the Scarab Beetle.

SERPENT 10: Holy - really?

SERPENT 37: Yep.

SERPENT 10: Damn - SCREW that. Let someone else move the bird, I'm not going NEAR him.

SERPENT 37: Well. I guess it IS O.K. to leave ther Owl in here, then! That WAS spretty horrible, after all. O.K. owl, welcome to the Sack. NOW. Onto the victim. Who's going to-

SERPENT 2: AH! AH! AH! AH!

SERPENT 37: NOW what?

SERPENT 2: The owl scratched me!

SERPENT 37: Oh, don't be such a baby.

SERPENT 2: I'm not kidding! That really hurt! And - HEY!

HORRIBLE MILLIPEDE: Hey, guys? I feel a draft. I think the owl tore a hole in the Sack.

SERPENT 37: Oh, GREAT. Now it's trying to get out!

LOCUST: Good GRIEF.

SERPENT 37: Someone grab the owl! We need that owl for the Sack! It'll ruin the effect if we don't have an owl here!

HORRIBLE MILLIPEDE: Uh oh.

SERPENT 37: Oh no. What?

HORRIBLE MILLIPEDE: That wasn't the owl that tore the sack. It was the VICTIM. He's gone.

SERPENT 37: Oh JESUS.

SERPENT 9: What are we supposed to eat now?

SERPENT 37: This is just GREAT. Not only did the owl escape, but the victim went with it.

OWL: Who.

SERPENT 37: Oh. Well, at least we've still got the owl.

Bob has escaped from the Sack of Horrors! But HOW?!? And what will happen to him NOW? FInd out in... Episode 10 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: Escape From Lost Island!

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