Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant
Episode 8: Beware the Voodoo Demon Dogs

(DEEP IN THE JUNGLE OF LOST ISLAND. A silver Escape Pod is wedged in the Y made by two branches in a very enormous and now very demolished tropical tree. The hatch slides open, and four figures spill out onto the ground: Kyla the Tigerwoman, Urvis Penthum, Bob, and Robot 2. Everyone groans in pain. Urvis lands badly on the ground, and begins clutching himself and whimpering.)

ESCAPE POD: Here we are! Everyone out!

KYLA: URVIS! Don't EVER suggest an escape pod again. That was TERRIBLE. I think I'm going to be sick...

(She runs behind the tree.)

BOB: You call that an ESCAPE POD? It was like being shot out of a cannon! I should SUE you!

ROBOT 2: I... don't feel right. Hang on - let me check the pod. I'm POSITIVE I've left some parts behind.

ESCAPE POD: Was the journey not to your liking?

KYLA: Nobody come back here.

URVIS PENTHUM: (Finally able to speak through the pain) Everyone stop whining. Robot - make a note to call landscaping and have that tree replaced.

(We hear the roar of some terrific beast farther back in the jungle, followed by the sound of the Tree-Fortress being pounded to splinters. Urvis regains his composure.)

URVIS PENTHUM: We have to move quickly! COME ON! The you-know-what will figure out where we went in no time!

ROBOT 2: Surely you can go ahead and say the name by now - the VOODOO DEMON DOG.

URVIS PENTHUM: Stop SAYING that! It's just a figment of your imagination! But - let's still run.

(They start moving briskly the jungle. The sounds of the Demon Dog continue to grow behind them - it is following them.)

KYLA: Everyone watch out for quicksand... Also, let's make a rule that whoever's first makes sure the branches don't slap back in the person's face behind you. OK?

BOB: Fine. And you also said something about cannibals earlier, Urvis?

URVIS PENTHUM: Yes, and pirates, and headhunters, so STEP LIVELY, my son! 

(The jungle begins crashing close behind them. The Voodoo Demon Dog has picked up their scent.)

URVIS PENTHUM: Isn't this fun? Are you paying attention? This will be a really interesting part of the Chronicles!

BOB: Mmm. Listen - about that. Maybe hiring me to write your "Chronicles" isn't the best thing after all. I don't think I'm cut out to explore your past. Especially if it's all like this.

URVIS PENTHUM: Nonsense! This isn't NEARLY as colorful as- URK!

(Urvis is jerked backwards. His red cape has gotten tangled in a thorn bush.)

URVIS PENTHUM: Blast it! I'm caught!

KYLA: Well, don't PULL it - you'll only rip it...

BOB: What? PULL IT! RIP IT! We have to RUN!

URVIS PENTHUM: Hey - this cape is very special to me! It's a momento of a very special time, Bob, one you'll be writing about!

(A tree not fifty yards away comes crashing down. Urvis renews his struggle, but the cape is stuck fast.)

URVIS PENTHUM: You'll have to go on without me!

KYLA: Urvis! I'm not leaving you!

ROBOT 2: Just take it off! We'll come back for it later!

(The Voodoo Demon Dog is almost upon them. They can feel the heat of the beast's madness even at this distance.)

ROBOT 2: Quickly! That thing will eat us all, even ME!

KYLA: Nooooooo!

(Bob and the Robot pull Kyla away, and they dash farther into the jungle... leaving Urvis behind.)

KYLA: I can't believe you two. You just left him there! JUST LEFT HIM!

BOB: Kyla, why didn't he just take the cape off?

KYLA: He's always been funny about the cape.

(They break through into a clearing, where they come face to face with... a VOODOO HEADHUNTER. The Headhunter is tall and foreboding. He is bare-chested, with an elaborate and terrifying mask made from a large skull, and is wearing a sort of kilt made from grass. Numerous shrunken heads hang from his belt. He is holding an ENORMOUS  and bulging sack. Something inside it appears to be writhing to get out.)

BOB: AHHHHHH!

KYLA: AHHHHHHH!

ROBOT 2: Beep!

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: Well! What have we here!

KYLA: Oh no.

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: Imagine my luck! Running into Miss Tiger Woman, Mr. Shiny Silver Robot, and Mr.... and who would you be, sir?

BOB: I'm... Bob Tallmadge. Universal Assistant.

(Bob hands the Headhunter his card. The Headhunter takes it, glances at it briefly, and puts it in his pocket.)

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: Thanks.

KYLA: Look - just let us go. Urvis will be here in just a moment, and if he sees-

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: Ha! Ha! HA! The Great Urvis Penthum? You forget - I knew him when he was just Urvis Quartum. He's most likely been eaten by one of my Demon Dogs by now, or else he's been swallowed by some patch of quicksand!

ROBOT 2: Not true!

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: Hush, Mr. Shiny Ball! You may be made of metal but I can still stick a pin in a doll for you! Hmmm... Perhaps I should hold one of you for ransom until Urvis gives up the secret of the Force Beam?

BOB: Look, maybe we ought to just take our chances with the Demon Dog?

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: You'll wish you had, fools! Well, now. What to do with you three? At minimum I'll have to have one of your heads. For my collection.

KYLA: You can't do that!

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: Hey, I have a reputation to maintain! If I let you guys go without so much as taking one of your heads and shrinking it for display on my attractive belt, then I'll lose face with the whole Island! OR... there's always... THE SACK.

KYLA: Oh god - he has a Sack of Horrors.

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: That's it! Yes! One of you will have to go in my Sack of Horrors.

BOB: What is in a Sack of Horrors?

ROBOT 2: Don't ask that...

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: What's IN it? What's NOT in it, you should ask! Serpents! A whole writhing pile of them, slithering and hissing in the dark! There must be FIFTY serpents in there! And scorpions! And flesh-rending scarab beetles! And bats, and bugs, and creepy-crawlies, and spiders! They sting, poison, devour, and then writhe in the bones of whatever I throw in there! It's a great setup!

(Kyla and Bob look at the writhing sack. Knowing what's inside the bulging and heaving sack makes them feel ill.)

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: So... which one will it be?

ROBOT 2: Throw ME in the sack! I'm not afraid of bugs and snakes.

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: No, no. It has to be one of THEM. Something with a little meat on its bones.

(The Headhunter consider them briefly. He does "eeny-meeny-meinie-moe" silently to himself, then reaches for Bob.)

VOODOO HEADHUNTER: Into the sack with you, Assistant!

(The Voodoo Headhunter picks Bob up, and over the protesting screams of Kyla, drops him into the Sack of Horrors.)

Oh my God! How can anyone survive the Sack of Horrors? Don't miss Episode 9 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: The Sack of Horrors!

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