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(THE TREE FORTRESS OF URVIS PENTHUM. Kyla the captive Tiger Woman has just prepared drinks for both Bob and Urvis, and, after making sure she is safely chained to the wall once more, is relaying the strange history of the Tiger Women to them. Urvis is rapt - this is obviously a tale he has heard and requested many times. Kyla takes a moment, as if deciding where to begin the epic tale.) KYLA: The story of the Tiger Women. Bob, it is a story of war, a story of passion. It is the story of a race of proud, beautiful women who wrested their own destinies away from captors too brutal to describe. URVIS PENTHUM: Tell him about the Tiger Games. Tell him about those. KYLA: Shh. It is the tale of a primitive yet highly-advanced society ruled by naught else but women like myself. We are a people who come from a planet far away from here, Bob. We are the last of a mighty, amazonian warrior race of the clan... TIGER. URVIS PENTHUM: Get to the Tiger Games! KYLA: Quiet! There's more to the Tiger Women than the stupid old Tiger Games! The Tiger Women, Bob, struggled for eons against the men of the Lion Clan. The Lion Men would have subjugated us as slaves for centuries if not for the fact that, deep within the humid jungles of the Tiger Planet, we tought ourselves the art of war... We fought and escaped from the Lions, fleeing into the stars. URVIS PENTHUM: (Turning to Bob) The Tiger Games were where the women got together to have ATHLETIC competitions! Imagine, Bob! ALL of them trying for the prize... a bunch of women struggling against one another, wrestling, running, competing... wrestling... I've been trying to get them to hold them here, but... (Urvis downs his drink in one gulp.) KYLA: Urvis! I'm relaying the incredible story of our flight from the Tiger Planet, and all you can think about is- (In the corner, the Robot makes a snorting sound.) URVIS PENTHUM: Do you have something you'd like to add, Robot 2? KYLA: Yes. FAVOR us. ROBOT: Nothing, nothing. I'm just enjoying your story immensely. It's very... imaginative. (Kyla turns to Urvis, pouting.) KYLA: URVIS! Make the Robots stop saying things like that! I HATE it when they talk to me like that! URVIS PENTHUM: DO stop talking to Kyla like that, please Robot. I don't want to have to deactivate you. (The Robot strolls over to a window and pretends to enjoy the view.) URVIS PENTHUM: And so then, after wandering from planet to planet, where they got into many adventures, blah blah blah, I took them in here at Lost Island - where we made a stand against the Lion Men, together! Yay! KYLA: Well... in a nutshell, yes. And now we all live here, a happy little family! BOB: Well, not ALL happy. Right? URVIS PENTHUM: Yes. Well, there are always some ingrates. But Bob! THIS is the kind of thing I want to have in the Chonicles of Urvis! BOB: Oh! Is that going to be the title? I sort of thought, well, since I would be the author, that I'd get to pick- URVIS PENTHUM: No, we've done some research, and that's really the best title. BOB: It's just that I'm not really sure that I want to have someone editing- URVIS PENTHUM: Fine - we're settled then. I will send a robot with you when you leave. It will have an outline of my life and adventures stored in its data banks, which you will use to guide you as you travel from system to system, from dimension to dimension, following the EXACT PATH of my exploits, writing the story of my life! BOB: But... why do I need to do all that traveling when I could just get the story right from you? I mean, after all, it's YOUR life story. You're the greatest resource for THAT. (The robot snorts again - they ignore him.) KYLA: Oh, that's half the fun, Bob! We're thinking of...um... developing an extensive travel tour to follow the life of Urvis Penthum! People will be able to travel from system to system, dimension to dimension, retracing his steps! BOB: Wait - we're not talking about any of the OUTER dimensions, are we? KYLA: Er... a few. BOB: Oh, NO! HATE the outer dimensions - you never know what set of laws will apply! KYLA: It's all in the robot, Bob. URVIS PENTHUM: You MUST follow the outline and instructions contained in this robot. He will lead you through the exact path of my life. That's the way I want you to write it! It's IMPERATIVE that you do it this way. ROBOT: Wait - you mean... the data is contained in MY memory banks? I'M the robot that's going with him? URVIS PENTHUM: That's right! Lucky you! ROBOT: (We hear a clicking of gears from within the robot's frame) God - you're RIGHT. It IS in my memory banks. It's all here. Your whole story. Oh, God. Oh, no. (The robot buries its spherical head in some of its other spherical appendages. Urvis Penthum and Kyla put their arms around Bob. Kyla twirls his hair with one of her fingers.) URVIS PENTHUM: So, we're in agreement - you'll follow the course of my life as outlined in the robot's memory? To the letter? KYLA: It's really for the best... BOB: Well... (Suddenly a tremendous spasm shakes the Tree Fortress - men, woman and robot are scattered to the floor. There is a gigantic sound below them on the jungle floor. The sound blasts again, and the Fortress shudders again, as if something gigantic is battering it.) KYLA: Oh no... URVIS PENTHUM: Don't say it. KYLA: Do you think... URVIS PENTHUM: NO! I don't think it's what you think, don't say it! (The Robot goes to an imaging screen and tunes in an image.) ROBOT: Yep -it's one of the Voodoo Demon Dogs. It's trying to climb the tree. Or maybe just knock the Fortress down out of it. (Kyla's hands go to her mouth to stifle a scream. Bob goes pale. The Robot retracts all of its appendages into a single protective sphere. Urvis Penthum wipes his brow with relief.) URVIS PENTHUM: Whew! BOB: What do you mean, "whew?!" URVIS PENTHUM: Well.. at least it's not Cannibals! Quickly - to the escape pod. Can our hero escape? Was Kyla telling the truth about the origin of the Tiger Women? Our adventure continues... in Episode 8 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: Beware The Voodoo Demon Dogs!
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press
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