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(LOST ISLAND. A small army of leopard-skin bikini-wearing Tiger Women have surrounded the Spaceship, which is on its side in the sand. The Tiger Women are brandishing their spears and daggers at Urvis Penthum and Bob, who are standing as far up on top of the ship as they can, to avoid the spears.) URVIS: Robots One through Seven! ATTACK! ROBOT 1: Look, we've discussed this. URVIS: EIGHT THROUGH THIRTY-FOUR! Form a second wave, and prepare to rout the enemy! First wave, WHY AREN'T YOU ATTACKING? ROBOT 5: He just doesn't get it, does he? ROBOT 1: (Shaking one of its appendages sadly) Urvis, I thought we understood one another - we are NOT destroyer robots anymore. (The Tiger Women have begun doing a ritual Dance of Intimidation around the ship. It involves hopping around in a circle, baring their teeth and nails at Urvis, and making loud yowling noises. One of the Tiger Women steps forward out of the dance. She is wearing an ornate head dress of feathers, and seems to be the leader. This is DAPHNE.) DAPHNE: Urvis Penthum, you have been given every chance to release Tiger Woman Kyla from your cruel captivity, and you have REFUSED. For that, you must DIE! Along with your strange guest! BOB: Look, I'm just passing through! Don't include me in this war! (The Tiger Women begin climbing the ship.) SPACESHIP: OK, that's enough - everyone off. (The Spaceship suddenly activates a magnet - any spear or dagger near the ship is drawn to the hull, where it sticks fast.) DAPHNE: Beware, my Tiger Women! Our weapons stick to this metal box like glue! BOB: If you don't mind me asking, why are you... um... good ladies attacking Mr. Penthum here? URVIS: Because they want control of the force beam! THAT'S why! DAPHNE: LIES! We attack him because he has imprisoned one of our number in his fortress - Kyla! URVIS: AH! But did you not just the other day vow to steal my force beam, so that you could escape this place? DAPHNE: Well... but... that's only because you have imprisoned us ALL here... URVIS: But you DID say you were going to steal it. DAPHNE: I... I... (She looks to the other Tiger Women for support) CLEO THE TIGER WOMAN: Don't try to confuse us, Penthum! We want KYLA! BOB: Penthum? What does all this mean? Are these ladies prisoners? SPACESHIP: Who cares, let's all just... CALM DOWN. URVIS: (sighing) "Prisoners" is such an ugly word. "Disgruntled employees" is more like it. Look, if you crazy catwomen want the force beam- PENNY THE TIGER WOMAN: (waving her dagger at him threateningly) That's TIGER women, you old coot! URVIS: Whatever. Look, if you want it so badly, if you think you can handle it, then HERE! Just let us go! (Urvis reaches beneath his cape, and withdraws a small silver rod. It is about an inch thick, and four long. A green light blinks on one end, and a red on the other. Grimacing at what he is doing, he tosses it down on the sand.) URVIS: THERE! Now let us go in peace! DAPHNE: The key to the force beam! AT LAST IT IS OURS! (She drops her knife and pounces on it) CLEO: Be careful, Daphne! DARLA THE TIGER WOMAN: Yes, don't forget- URVIS: YES, DAPHNE! A force beam is nothing to play around with, you fool girl! Press the wrong button and this whole WORLD will fly apart! (Her eyes glowing with power, Daphne presses the green button. Suddenly the control rod emits a piercing wail, along with a blinding flash. The Tiger Women - and Bob - screech and fall away, blinded. Urvis grabs Bob and runs.) BOB: I can't see! Stop! URVIS: Neither can they. Quick! Let's go! Robot Two! Attend us! ROBOT 2: (Sighing electronically) Really, can't we just stop and talk this thing out? URVIS: NO! Now go ahead of us, and clear a path! BOB: That wasn't the force beam controller thingy you gave them? URVIS: Bob! Of COURSE not! Jeez, you have a lot to learn if I'm ever going to - um, nothing. You see, I KNEW Daphne would do that. She's fallen for that three times now. Now, QUICKLY! We have to get to my Tree-Fortress. (He starts running towards the jungle, then stops.) Hey - you ARE taking notes on this, right? This is PRIME material for the heroic ballad! We're headed towards Urvis Penthum's Tree-Fortress, and Kyla the Tiger Woman! Don't miss Episode 6 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: The Willing Prisoner!
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press
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