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(LOST ISLAND. Urvis Penthum has instructed his robots to set up a fine banquet table on the beach for Bob and himself. They are sipping champagne while the robots - each of them identical to the silver and spherical model we met earlier - are dragging the Spaceship out of the waves farther onto the shore.) SPACESHIP: You guys go on with your lunch, I'll just be over here dripping wet with sand in my gears. No need to worry about me! URVIS PENTHUM: Ha! Ha! Ha! Never fear, my robots will have you clean and dry as a bone in no time! Say, that's some spaceship you have there, Bob! Quite the sense of humor! BOB: Thank you... and thanks also for this unexpected feast! And now, let me ask you a question that has been plaguing me throughout the entire meal. URVIS PENTHUM: Please! BOB: Are you in disguise? URVIS PENTHUM: What? (Bob points to the mask on Penthum's face. Urvis is confused until he puts his hands on his face.) OH! I'd completely forgotten I had it on. (He removes it.) Well, Bob, it's like this. As the owner and inventor of all you see around you - these robots, this island, this water planet, the force-beam that brought you here - I have developed quite a... celebrity, shall we say. Sometimes, unfortunately, I am forced to go around in disguise. SPACESHIP: (Calling from farther up the beach) And you don't find the cape gives you away? (Penthum doesn't hear.) BOB: And speaking of the force beam that brought us here, that brings me to my next question: Why? URVIS PENTHUM: Ah! WHY did I bring you here! That IS a good question! ROBOT! (He claps his hands together twice.) Cigars! Bring us cigars! BOB: And what did you mean when you said this was my lucky day? URVIS PENTHUM: Well, my boy, I have a very interesting job offer for you. One that I think you'll relish! BOB: But you must know I am already employed. Or at least, your robot knew! URVIS PENTHUM: Ah, YES! Mr. Hugely's "Entropy Assignment." (He chuckles to himself) I think I and my staff can help you wrap that little project up ahead of schedule. And anyway, the Universal Assistant job I'm offering you is the long-term sort. One that you can work on in your off moments. There will be no need to quit seeking other employers. (The robot returns with the cigars. Urvis takes his with a smile, and immediately puts it in his mouth. The robot hesitates slightly, then lights the end. Urvis sucks and puffs without much effect for a moment.) URVIS PENTHUM: ROBOT! Something is wrong with this cigar. It doesn't have very good... um... action. ROBOT: Allow me... (The Robot takes the cigar out of Penthum's mouth, and clips the very end off.) Try it now. URVIS PENTHUM: Ah! That's it. Examine my humidors for any other cigars with defects like that one, Robot. Ah! Now THAT'S a cigar! Wouldn't you agree, Bob? (Suddenly we hear a tremendous cry coming from the lush tropical jungle at the edge of the beach - as if a large chorus yelled out at once. Neither the robot nor Penthum give any indication that they heard.) BOB: I... would. Did anyone hear- URVIS PENTHUM: AS TO THE JOB I AM OFFERING YOU. Bob, I am an old man. No, you are kind, but don't try to say I am not. I've led a complex life of adventure. My career has seen many ups and downs. I've traveled extensively in the Inner AND Outer Dimensions. I've dabbled in the time-stream... I've built worlds, planets, empires such as this one. I've traveled the length, breadth, and thickness of this galaxy. I think you will agree, Bob. I... am a true epic hero. BOB: Er... OK. URVIS PENTHUM: ROBOT! This cigar keeps going out! (The robot approaches and examines the cigar.) ROBOT: I see the problem... you have to keep puffing on it. URVIS PENTHUM: Please throw out ALL these defective cigars, and order a completely new shipment! ROBOT: Right away. (The robot wheels away) URVIS PENTHUM: Anyway. As I'm sure you will agree, an epic hero needs a recounting of his legend. He needs a biographer. He needs a poet, Bob, to compose the heroic ballad of his life. BOB: So you want me to write the epic ballad of your life? URVIS PENTHUM: Exactly. BOB: Well, assuming that I even take the job, we'd need to set up- URVIS PENTHUM: Nonsense! Pleasure before business! First, let me show you around Lost Island! (Suddenly we hear the tremendous cries coming from the tropical growth again - but this time the sound has grown to shrieks, and much closer. Several trees and bushes can be heard being disturbed as something moves through the jungle towards the beach.) BOB: What... was THAT? URVIS PENTHUM: Er.... nothing. Although maybe we'd better skip the tour. (Suddenly an army of TIGER WOMEN breaks out of the jungle. The fierce women - about twenty in all - are in leopard-skin bikinis, all holding spears, daggers, and other primitive weapons. They are primed for war. Their leader blinks in the bright sunlight for a moment, then spots Bob and Urvis on the beach. She utters a terrible, ululating war cry, which the rest of the women join.) LEADER OF TIGER WOMEN: THERE THEY ARE! (The Tiger Women begin charging towards Urvis and Bob like a pack of harpies. The men both get up in alarm.) URVIS PENTHUM: Oh dear. And always when we have guests. ROBOT! ROBOT: Right here. URVIS PENTHUM: The Tiger Women have picked now, of all times, to have one of their little invasions. Could you please take care of them? ROBOT: We... we've discussed this before. Neither I nor any of my co-workers are destroyer robots. URVIS PENTHUM: Oh, come on. Let's not quibble! They're almost on us! ROBOT: I... really have to decline. BOB: Would... would it help if I ran back to the spaceship and hid? I... I'll bet it would. (The wild Tiger Women are almost upon them. Bob turns and runs.) A horde of angry, bikinied women bearing weapons? Now you HAVE to read Episode 5 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: The Tiger Women of Lost Island!
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press
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