Episode 26: King of the Known Universe

(Two BLIND MINIONS enter the Palace of the King, ushering Bob and the Robot between them. They are blind because to gaze upon the King would be too much for their brains to comprehend - doing so would most likely kill them. The Palace is a vast place, VERY huge, so big in fact that to put a roof or walls on it would have been far too expensive for the builder, even a builder hired by a king of the known universe, and even if it had been affordable, it would have still been simply too big to even be described here.

Accordingly, the blind Minions usher Bob through a long white void, to where the THE KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE is sitting, alone, in the center of his Palace.

BLIND MINION: Please, Bob. We're blind, but that doesn't mean we don't have lots of OTHER senses you don't have.

ROBOT: That's what I was going to tell you, Bob.

BOB: (Rubbing his bleeding chin) That would have been an ideal thing to be briefed on back in our cell.

THE KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: (In a great, booming voice) Bring the prisoners... HITHER. But first, remove their eyes, so that they cannot gaze upon Me, and in doing so, fall instantly dead from the glorious radiantosity of Myself.

BLIND MINION: Yes, O Lord.

(The Minion produces a ceremonial Blinding Stick.)

BOB: WAIT! WAIT! What if I just close my eyes? Or... promise not to look?

ROBOT: YES! And I can simply shut down my photoreceptor! There's no need to break it, they're very expensive, and I don't have a spare with me!

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: What's all that talking? What are they saying?

BLIND MINION: They want to know if it's alright if they simply do not look, O Lord.

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Hmm. I do not understand. Why would they run the risk of accidentally gazing upon My visage, and in doing so, exploding their brains into a million gooey fragments? Will not your insatiable curiosity for seeing Glorious things draw your eyes like a moth to a magnet? Like steel to a flame? Better to puncture those orbs of sight and remove all temptation.

BLIND MINION: Tough luck.

(It raises the ceremonial Blinding Stick again.)

BOB: WAIT! WAIT! I promise you... I can avoid the temptation to look! I CAN! Really! I mean, if peeking means my brain explodes, then that's a strong motivator not to look, don't you think?

(The King is silent, considering this.)

BOB: And here, I'll even remove the Robot's eyes myself. That way, he can't look even if he IS tempted.

ROBOT: Tempted? What tempted? Why would I be programmed to be tempted- (Bob begins unscrewing the robot's photoreceptor from its sphere.) Oh, great. Great. Hey, don't touch it with your bare fingers, don't you know that's bad for it?

(Bob puts the photoreceptor in his pocket.)

BOB: There. The robot is blind, and I promise I won't look. OK?

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Well... what if we just put out ONE of your eyes?

(The Minion stands at the ready with the Stick.)

BOB: I'd really prefer not.

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Oh, fine, just bring them into My Presence. If his head bursts into flames, so be it - no one can say I didn't warn him. You heard me warn him, right?

BLIND MINION: Yes, O Lord.

(The Minions guide the prisoners into the King's radiant presence. The unseeing Robot rolls a little to the left, but a Minion corrects him. Bob walks with his hands tightly pressed against his eyes. As they approach the King, Bob can feel a warm glow ahead of him.)

ROBOT: Again, Bob, there was no need to-

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Very well. That is far enough.

BOB: Listen, I apologize for... whatever transgressions we have committed, but I really would like to talk about getting my friends and my ship released from your prison-

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: SILENCE! You will speak when spoken to!

(The King makes the smallest of gestures, and a terrible rustling sound echoes through the palace, which, since no one can see, they interpret as a million locusts passing very close by overhead in a voracious swarm. Everyone cowers and shakes in fear. A Minion swats Bob on the back of the head.)

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Now. You and your three friends will be released in good time, and in such a manner that pleases and glorifies My Name. Now, servant. Is it not true that you are a... Universal Assistant?

BOB: It... IS true.

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Very well. Then I should like to hire you. Though I be King of the Known Universe, there are times when it pleases Me to seek assistance in some matters. And though my Minions serve me well, it also sometimes pleases Me to hire a temp - like yourself - as that means that I will not be paying your insurance or contributing to your retirement fund. As I do so generously to these Minions. How do you praise me, O sexless Minions?

BLIND MINION: With a full-throated cry, O Lord!

BLIND MINION 2: With the free and total giving of my spirit, O Lord!

(The King makes the smallest of gestures, and somewhere in his Universe, a matching contribution is made to both Minions' retirement funds. The Minions sigh with pleasure.)

BOB: I see. And may I ask what is the nature of the work?

(The King makes the smallest of gestures, and a terrific clanging is suddenly heard in the palace, which the blind interpret as the ringing of a thousand gongs. The Minions and prisoners cower, uncertain if that is bad or good. The King is silent for a moment.)

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: That shall be revealed to you in due time. But first, there is the matter of this squawking arrangement of silver balls I see before Me.

ROBOT: You mean... me?

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Silence, machine, lest my wrath take the form of a great wave of salt water which shall render your joining-places immobile! (Another one of the small gestures, and the sound of a great ocean wave is heard from somewhere in the Palace.) This metallic creature... does not please Me. Have it deactivated.

ROBOT: Oh dear.

BOB: Just a minute, O Lord...

(The Minions move to deactivate the Robot.)

ROBOT: This is really not necessary-

BOB: I should really mention, O Lord... I'll be glad to take the job you're offering, whatever it is, but, the thing is, I really need this Robot. Not just because he's very helpful, but because, well, you see, one of my OTHER employers sent him along, to sort of, GUIDE me-

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Minions! Why does the servant ceaselessly babble? And why do the limbs of the robot still move about so?

BLIND MINION: We're... having trouble finding the switch, O Lord.

ROBOT: Listen, it's really sort of a lengthy procedure you have to follow to shut me down, it's-

BOB: ...you see, I'm following the course of my previous employers' life and adventures, um, not just because it's my job, but because it's very important... for my OWN welfare, and this Robot is the one that tells me where to go and what to do-

ROBOT: It's pretty complicated, guys, why don't I just sit over here and not say anyth-

(The Robot falls silent as the Minions find the switch. It is deactivated.)

BOB: Oh no.

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: At last, there is peace in the Kingdom. And now, Bob, approach me - if ye dare.

(Bob remains in place, unsure. The Minions nudge him.)

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: What I mean to say is, approach me NOW, O Bob.

(Bob moves closer. He can sense the glow grow brighter and hotter even through his hands clasped tightly to his eyes. The King makes the smallest of gestures, and Bob's bleeding chin is instantly healed. A glorious chorus echoes from some corner of the Palace. The Minions fall on their knees, praising the King. Somewhere in the Universe, a notation is made in Bob's employment record to deduct the cost of the procedure from his paycheck.)

BOB: What happened?

(A Minion swats him on the back of the head.)

KING OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Praised be Me. Now, Bob, I shall describe your task. DO it, and ye and your friends - yea, even the offensive metal one - shall be free to leave.

Will Bob be able to complete the task and save himself, Darla, the Ship, and the deactivated Robot? Find out in Episode 27 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: The Non-Exploding Assistant!

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