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(THE CRASHING ASTEROID FIELD. Destruction. Chaos. Explosions. POW. CRASH. BOOM. As the Spaceship slides slowly through the field, space rocks and planetoids crash into one another with incredible force. The rocks ricochet away from each other at startling speed, crash into more space rocks and planetoids, then do it some more, until they are pulverized into dust and debris, light and energy. Although it is technically impossible, we can actually hear Bob's screams of terror above the crashing of the asteroids. Eventually, however, an odd fact becomes clear: despite the massive destruction and chaos of the hurtling asteroids, the Spaceship has not been touched once. It glides farther into the field, remaining - amazingly - intact and unharmed. INSIDE THE SHIP. Bob is clinging to one of the support beams, screaming.) BOB: MY GOD JUST THREE MINUTES AGO WE WERE ON OUR WAY, I WAS DOING MY JOB, EVERYONE WAS HAPPY, HOW DID IT GET THIS BAD? SPACESHIP: When you're done screaming, I have some interesting information for you. BOB: GIVE! GIVE! GIVE! SPACESHIP: As you can see, we are still alive for some reason, against all odds. We seem to be under the influence of some sort of force-beam that is guiding us safely through this asteroid field! BOB: FORCE BEAM? That's... that's crazy-talk! And yet, if it's kept us alive, I'm in support of it. Tell me more about this "force-beam." (THE ASTEROID FIELD. The Spaceship continues to glide through the giant, crashing asteroids unharmed. Far off in the distance, we can see what it is headed towards: in the center of all the destruction, there is a large, serene, unmoving BLUISH PLANETOID.) SPACESHIP: I don't think it's the kind of force-beam that talks to you - I can't get any response from it. But we seem to be riding it to safety, so I'll accept the silent treatment for now. (Bob checks one of the many monitors.) BOB: You know, I think your crazy force-beam is guiding us towards that one bluish planetoid over there. It's odd - none of the other rocks are crashing into it. SPACESHIP: Whoa, whoa! Hang ON! (We hear the clicking computer sounds of the Spaceship doing computations.) Hey, get this! That's no rock - that's a giant glob of water! BOB: A big, floating glob of water, with nothing holding it together? I suggest you wipe the dust off your sensors. SPACESHIP: I'm not kidding! That's what it is! (As the ship gets closer to the planetoid, we can see that it is correct - it is composed entirely of water. ) BOB: OK, Spaceship, so I believe you. Then... what's it doing over there? What's holding it together? Why are we still headed towards it? SPACESHIP: Not only are we headed towards it, we're about to splash INTO it. (The ship emerges from the violence of the asteroid field, and continues to be drawn towards the water planetoid. Within moments, it lands softly on the surface. It bobs there for a moment, then slowly begins to sink.) SPACESHIP: OK, I'm starting to get alarmed. If you'll check the manual, you'll see that I'm really not meant for underwater use... (In a few moments, the ship is completely submerged. A bit of water begins to leak through the hatch.) BOB: This is... incredible! Of all things that can happen to you in space, I'm about to drown! Mr. Hugely will be ENRAGED! (He quickly grabs a thick OPERATIONS MANUAL from a shelf) OK... OK... I'm looking for the "water landing" section... SPACESHIP: Please HURRY. I'M NO ENGINEER, but I seem to remember that getting my electrodes wet is a VERY BAD IDEA. (The water is now at Bob's shoes.) BOB: OK, calm down. I thought you said you weren't programmed to panic! SPACESHIP: MY GUESS IS MY DESIGNERS NEVER IMAGINED I'D BE SINKING IN WATER. OH GOD! BOB: (Still flipping through the manual) OK, here's my idea. Deploy the Exterior Airbags. SPACESHIP: WHAT WILL THAT DO? BOB: We'll rise back to the surface, dummy! SPACESHIP: OK, OK! (OUTSIDE THE SHIP, UNDERWATER. The rectangular spaceship continues to float lazily down in the dark blue water, turning over end-for-end. Suddenly there is an explosion of air-bubbles from the side vents, and airbags inflates along the bottom. Instead of slowing the ship's descent, this seems to speed it up.) SPACESHIP: I HATE TO BE CRITICAL. Especially when I KNOW I'M NOT HELPING A LOT MYSELF. But we are NOW SINKING FASTER. BOB: Hmmm. That shouldn't be... SPACESHIP: NO, IT SHOULDN'T, SHOULD IT? I MEAN, WE TRIED YOUR GREAT IDEA OF DEPLOYING AIRBAGS, AND- BOB: Look, speaking as someone who has recently panicked, let me assure that it does no good- SPACESHIP: SORRY! SORRY! BOB: Wait a minute. (Bob checks one of the many complex, blinking readouts) According to this, we are not sinking, so much as RISING. SPACESHIP: Considering that damaging water is now sloshing around all my circuits, I really WOULDN'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO ANYTHING MY MONITORS SAY RIGHT NOW. BOB: No - wait. I think I realize what's going on... (OUTSIDE, UNDERWATER. The ship sinks faster and faster. As it gets closer to the bottom, we see that the water gets brighter and brighter. Finally they reach the bottom - which is actually the surface. They break through the surface with a rush of water and air.) (A BEAUTIFUL, SUNNY DAY. The Spaceship is floating on the surface of a vast ocean. In the far distance is a lone island. A few silvery, spherical buoys dot the ocean around them. The sky is slightly cloudy, but not too much to see the ocean curve up into a vast sphere above them at the horizon. The top hatch of the spaceship cracks open, and Bob climbs out. He looks around, squinting in the sunlight.) SPACESHIP: Well, what do you know about that! BOB: Hang on, let me activate the bilge pump. SPACESHIP: This whole asteroid is like one big, planet-sized bubble! A giant water-bubble! And now we're on the inside! BOB: My shoes may be ruined. SPACESHIP: It's like a... a reverse ocean! Instead of being on the outside of the planet, it's on the inside! HEY! You know, as discoverer, you get to name this! BOB: Listen, in the mood I'm in right now, it would probably be something like the Dammit to Hell Sea, so I'll wait. SPACESHIP: We have plenty of time - we can't really go anywhere. BOB: Crap. This is going to put me WAY behind on the Hugely Assignment. I guess I'll have to SWIM the five miles or so to that island. SPACESHIP: If you'd wanted a boat, you should have brought one. BOB: Shut up. SPACESHIP: Hey - what's that? (One of the SPHERICAL BUOYS has been moving slowly towards them. It is a perfect silver sphere. As it draws alongside them, a second sphere grows out of the main one like liquid metal. A red dot opens like an eye on the second sphere, and considers them for a moment.) SPHERICAL BUOY: W1BbIm2, 0GhUlk1 ZCer3! @nN Qwer been d'J12 54! BOB: Do you understand that? SPACESHIP: Hang on, let me look it up... SPHERICAL BUOY: W' hetchum by likem? Eighty to bring the batchum fletcher? (Bob and the Buoy stare at each other for a moment in silence.) BOB: Um... I'm just going to smile and nod. SPACESHIP: No, wait, it may be trying to sell us a subscription, or something. SPHERICAL BUOY: Sorry! Took me a moment on the language. You must be Bob Tallmadge! Welcome! Talking Buoys? That mysteriously know Bob's name? This serial is CRAZY! Find out more in Episode 3 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: The Mysterious Order!
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press
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