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(SOMEWHERE IN OUTER SPACE. We are far away from any planet or sun. The only thing of interest nearby is a large cluster of ASTEROIDS. Caught in each others' gravity, the giant space-rocks are continually crashing into one another and bouncing away, crashing and bouncing away, creating enormous, deafening explosions. Although we are in the vacuum of space, where no sound can travel, the noise is still deafening. Suddenly a silver rectangular-shaped SPACESHIP appears, flitting across the void, its small engine leaving a bright blue exhaust. Without warning, the bright exhaust trail changes from blue to red - then from red to white - and the ship comes to a complete stop, not very far away from the asteroids.) (INSIDE THE SPACESHIP. Although the cabin of the ship is not spacious, it is comfortable. The interior of the ship is not as given over to chrome and circuits and glowing lights as you might have imagined; there is actually some wood paneling and throw pillows to make it cozy. The pilot of the ship [So-called not because he is driving the ship - he's not - but because he is the only human inside it] is sitting at a desk looking through a thick file. This is BOB. A steaming cup of coffee floats in air beside him.) THE SPACESHIP: I have some interesting information for you. BOB: I'm all ears. Anything to stop this boredom! SPACESHIP: Something's wrong with my main engine. We've come to a dead stop. BOB: Oh dear. Is that what the crashing sound I hear is? SPACESHIP: No, that's the sound of a nearby cluster of asteroids. The giant space rocks are violently smashing into one another again and again, creating a tremendous field of destruction for anything that drifts in their midst. BOB: Oh, good. Because I thought it was the sound of something going seriously wrong with your engine. SPACESHIP: Well... um... BOB: There's more? SPACESHIP: Since we're without an engine, we're being drawn towards the asteroids. We'll be in their midst in about fifteen minutes. And then something WILL be seriously wrong, and not just with my engine. (Bob looks briefly at his file, then closes it calmly.) BOB: I... wish I could be bored again. (OUTSIDE THE SHIP. The craft is sliding inexorably closer to the crashing, exploding asteroid field. BACK INSIDE: the hovering coffee cup suddenly falls to the deck and shatters. Hot coffee splashes on Bob's leg.) BOB: What's happened, Spaceship? SPACESHIP: Well, our power's going out. Since there's no engine to keep the batteries recharged. BOB: OK. OK. Let's not panic. SPACESHIP: I promise I won't - my circuits are incapable of it. BOB: Good to know. Listen, I've been thinking... SPACESHIP: Yes? BOB: Isn't it odd that we came to a COMPLETE stop? Doesn't that violate a number of laws of motion? SPACESHIP: It violates one very major one. In fact, I had made a note to myself to be curious about it after we were out of danger- (The crashing sound of the asteroids grows louder.) BOB: OK! So what are our options? SPACESHIP: Right now? At this moment? BOB: Yes. SPACESHIP: Number one: we can fall into the gravity well of the asteroids and be pounded to smithereens of flesh and metal. BOB: That is OBVIOUSLY not the one I want. What's number two? SPACESHIP: Number two? BOB: Yes! SPACESHIP: There IS no number two. There's nothing we can do. We're both going to be destroyed! BOB: OK, I'm going to allow myself one small moment of panic. (Bob goes over to the porthole and presses his face and hands against it.) BOB: Oh GOD OH GOD OH MAN OH CRAP OH GOD WHAT CAN I DO I DON'T WANT TO DIE WHAT DO I DO all right. I'm back. Now. Let's send a distress call out to Mr. Hugely. SPACESHIP: I did that. But to be honest, it was more of a "this will be our last broadcast because by the time you get this we'll be dead" sort of message. BOB: I... I hate being a Universal Assistant. (OUTSIDE THE SHIP. The craft slides into the deadly asteroid field.) Will Bob and his Spaceship survive? Find out in Episode 2 of Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant: The Reverse Ocean!
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press
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